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grand gestures
Cal
My first guitar class back since the injury has left me with mixed feelings. The kids are awesome, as always. They surprised me with cupcakes and gave me a bunch of get-well cards and letters they made for me when I was laid up. They told me how much they missed coming to my class. They also told me what a douchebag Barrymore was for injuring my eye. That part felt great (the thing about Barrymore made me laugh) but it’s very different now…coming here.
Without Billie.
There’s a new person doing her job now. A guy named Marc. He’s okay, but he’s not her, so not too impressed. He also has a cringy neon-green dye job and it’s not a good look. Disturbing actually. I think he scares some of the younger kids a little bit.
After my last guitarist (Keegan) does the obligatory fist bump and heads out the door, an email notification buzzes my phone.
From Children’s Services Las Vegas.
It’s Billie’s email account.
As if she knew my schedule. Knew I’d be here today for my class. And also knew the kids had just left a few minutes ago…
* * *
I’ve been sittingin the same position for fourteen minutes reading her email.
Over and over and over because I can’t look away from the words.
As soon as I finish reading to the end, I start over at the beginning and read it again.
To: Calum Lefleur
From: Billie Hirsch
Subject: Something you need to hear
Calum,
I know you’re upset. Change sucks and it’s hard. For all of us. I raged against it for so long. I had my little job and my little music thing, and everything was fine because I didn’t have to face my baggage if I just kept going the same way. And you were the same, right? You could play in Montreal and be a superstar goalkeeper and not have to face the fact that your relationship was stale, and your feelings were only lukewarm.
And then we found each other. And I couldn’t stand you at first. I thought you were cocky and strange and a real pain in my ass. But then I saw you with those kids. And I saw the way we matched up, the things we had in common. And I felt the way we fit together. It was electric between us from the start, but then I came to care about you. Eventually, to fall in love with you.
Things will always change. Slightly or a lot, but they will. Change can provide a chance to grow, to make things better, so it’s not always a negative thing. And I am willing to weather those changes with you because I want you in my life. But I can’t do it if you’re always going to shut down on me, to push me away.
I wrote this song for you. Yes, I can sing, too. That’s me singing. Listen to it because it conveys all these feelings in a way I probably couldn’t in person.
Things are going well here. I hope I’ll see you soon.
I love you.
Billie
At minute fifteen,I open the attached file and listen to her song.
To her amazing voice. To the steady drumbeat.
To the lyrics Billie wrote about us.
Reading them over many times, until I’ve memorized every word and every note of the melody, and it’s cemented in my brain going nowhere.
* * *
When I headto practice later, it’s with her song on repeat in my head.
