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I narrow my eyes and purse my lips.
“Fine. What did he say? Exactly,” she says, as if she’s the douchebag whisperer and can figure things out that I can’t.
“It was more about what he did. Or didn’t do. I guess. I don’t know.”
What did I expect from him? I practically dropped my panties the minute he opened his mouth. I acted like that girl then demanded to be treated differently. I really need to get my shit together.
Her eyes bounce around the room as she thinks for a moment before responding. “Look, if it’s bothering you that bad, just talk to the dude,” she suggests, and I laugh out loud.
“Yeah, I tried that too. It didn’t work out in my favor,” I say, remembering the way his body felt against mine. It’s better if I just stay away from him altogether.
Brynn’s face drops and she passes me an apologetic glance. “Oh. Right.”
“Yeah. Right.” I grab the bottle off the coffee table then fill our glasses because I know I, for one, am going to need it.
“Okay, so you thought he hated you, and you were obviously wrong about that. You’re wrong about this too. He didn’t mean it the way you took it. Anyone who knows you knows you aren’t easy. You’ve been with one guy your whole life for Pete’s sake. And if he were still alive, you’d probably be married right now,” she says but immediately regrets it. Her face scrunches up, and her hand flies to her mouth. “God, Makenna, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.” She squeezes her eyes shut. “Shit.”
I glance down at the ring on my finger that serves as a constant reminder of that fact. Brynn is right. Reid is the only man who has ever touched me that way. The only man who has ever made me feel that way. The man I would be married to if he hadn’t been taken from me.
“It’s okay. I know what you meant.”
“You want my advice?” she asks in between sips.
“Not really.”
She sticks her tongue out at me and scrunches her nose. “I say you let Cal fuck your brains out. I’m talking just fuck the living shit out of you. Get it out of your system. Then you can move on.”
“That’s horrible advice.” Not that I expected anything less from her. “Aside from the slut shame, the man is toxic. I’ve seen the effect he has on women. He turns them into junkies. Besides, what would I do about Jaxon? He’s so sweet. And Cal is so… not sweet.”
“You’re not a slut just because you screw one guy, Maks. And you can still do whatever you’re doing with Jaxon.”
“So, trying to date one guy and screwing another doesn’t buy me a one-way ticket to Slutville?”
She groans. “You know, I recall having this same conversation about seven years ago. Only the sweet guy was Carter Boyd and the toxic one was Reid.”
“That’s not fair. Cal is nothing like Reid.”
“No. He isn’t.” She holds my stare. “And maybe that’s not a bad thing.” She sighs when I don’t respond. “At least tell me he’s hot.”
I throw my head back in defeat. Then I look back at her and bite my lip. “Hot doesn’t even begin to describe him. He’s…” I try to think of a word to describe how I feel when I look at him. “He’s a religious experience,” I manage to say, distracted by visions of his face.
“Wow.” Her eyes grow wide, then she grins. “And there it is.”
“There what is?”
“You have kind of obsessed over this guy for a while. There’s always so much emotion in your voice when you talk about him. Whether you’re mad at him, or frustrated with him, or hating him, at least you’re feeling something again. Something other than sadness. And that has to count for something.”
“I have not obsessed over him,” I argue, and she cuts her eyes at me as if I’ve said something ridiculous.
“You kinda have,” she says, “Either way, he makes you feel alive. You can’t just ignore that.”
I roll my eyes at her and crunch the remaining bits of ice between my teeth since I ran out of liquid somewhere around Let Cal fuck your brains out. “I need a refill.”
I could spend the rest of my life searching for something to come close to what Reid and I had, but the truth is, it’s not out there. Even though a one-night stand with Cal may be a bad idea—I have no intention of becoming one of his addicts. Brynn was wrong. I can ignore him. Maybe a one-night stand with someone that isn’t Cal would do me some good. I just need to find the courage to go through with it.
Every time I’m with Jaxon, I try to imagine taking it a step further, but my mind can’t seem to make it past a simple peck on the lips. We’ve been doing this thing we’re doing for months, and I still can’t bring myself to even give him a proper kiss. I don’t understand it. It’s so easy with Cal. Shouldn’t it be the same with Jaxon? I keep finding excuses not to be alone with him in order to make it easier. But I know the clock is ticking and soon we will come to a fork in the road. I will have to decide how far I’m willing to take this.
“What are we doing Jaxon?” I ask him one night after the restaurant has closed.
