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She waves at me and I wave back as I take off my coat, hanging it on the back of my chair. Having a seat in front of the window, I cross my legs and watch as families go about their nightly routines. Since I’ve been in Laurel Springs, it’s been unusual for me to see people actually wearing jackets, but today they’re dressed in hoodies, beanies, and gloves. A cold front moved in this afternoon, and if I didn’t know better, I’d think I was back in Pennsylvania.
“How’s it going?” Violet asks as she has a seat across from me, getting situated much the same way I did.
“Not too bad,” I lie, wondering if it sounds forced to her like it sounds forced to me.
Violet tilts her head, pursing her lips, choosing to call me on my bullshit “You say that enough times and I might believe it. You’re talking tome, Karina. What’s happening?”
Taking a drink from my cup, I sigh. It’s tortured, frustrated, and full of every emotion I’ve been feeling for the past year. “I went out on that date with the guy from the app.”
“It went bad?”
I’d kept her out of the loop when I’d gotten back, because I’d been conflicted about my feelings, and a bit surprised that he and I had gone that far in the backseat of his vehicle. It’s totally out of character for me, and I hadn’t exactly wanted to hear her vocalize the things I already knew I was feeling. Why I worried, I’m not sure now, because if anyonewouldn’tlook upon me with judgement, it would be Violet. After all, she was married when she met her now fiancé.
“No.” I shake my head, recalling just how much fun I had with Mason. Before the physical aspect had started, we’d laughed, told jokes, and generally had a great meal together. “It went amazing. We had dinner in Birmingham, shut the damn place down, and when it was over…” I trail off, not sure how much I want to share.
“What happened?” Violet presses me to continue. By looking at her, I know she can tell I’m holding something back.
“Me and this guy.” I play with the lid on my coffee. My eyes not meeting hers, not because I’m ashamed, but I don’t want her to know how much it affected me. “We had the most passionate encounter I’ve ever had. Like I didn’t know I was capable of that kind of heat with someone. He made my body shake, made me forget who I was, where I was, and made me picture a future that wasn’t alone.”
“Sounds like he is an amazing guy. Why aren’t you happy about it?”
“The things he made me feel.” I shake my head, trying to articulate my fears. “They scare me. I mean I was engaged to another man, was ready to spend the rest of my life with him. My ex-fiancé, Braxton, never inspired the types of feelings this guy did. That’s what scares me. If I were to give him the option, he’d have power over me. And I gave Braxton power, enough power to bring me to my knees and make me move thousands of miles to get away from the memories.”
Violet is quiet for a few moments, fiddling with her container of coffee. She sighs, pulling her long-sleeve shirt over her fingers, and then bringing her arm up to push her hair behind her ear. “Take it from someone who knows, Rina. Sometimes giving another person that type of power is good. Sometimes it’s the best present you can give yourself. Why not give it a shot and see what happens between the two of you?”
“He’s a single dad.” I use the excuse I’ve been running through my head for the past few days. I play with the bracelet on my wrist, smiling wistfully as I think about the things Mason told me about his day-to-day life. “The mother isn’t in the picture, but I’m not sure he wants to bring another woman into his kid’s life.”
“Single dad’s need love too,” she giggles, winking at me. “Probably need more love than the average man, if he’s been alone a long time. Get what I’m saying?”
He’d needed a lot of love. That I could categorically say for sure. “I don’t know.” I shrug, at a loss for words. “I just don’t know. I saw him at the grocery tonight, and I ran from him.”
“You ran?” Violet laughs. “I’ve never known you to run from anything, in the short amount of time we’ve known one another.”
“I know this is totally not the person I am.”
“He must have had a really nice dick,” Violet mumbles, her cheeks turning a rosy red color.
I spurt my coffee out, before trying to wipe down the table. “Damn girl, Anthony has loosened that mouth of yours; I can’t believe you just said that.”
“Am I wrong?” She raises an eyebrow to me, daring me to tell her she is.
No she’s not, and that’s the bitch of the situation. She’s totally right, and I want to know everything about the man I’ve had a taste of. The thing is, I just have to reach out, grab hold, and not let go. The question is – am I brave enough?
I’d like to think so, but sometimes the bravest can be the weakest. Given that fact, I have a lot to prove to myself.
Menace
Irritated with what went down at the grocery store, I’m angrily throwing my bags onto the counter, trying to slow my accelerated heart-rate. For so long I lived like a damn monk, and the first time I try to get back out into the dating world, it backfires on me. Maybe I’m not cut out for this, maybe I’m just meant to be alone and have a booty call here and there.
But that’s not true. I know it’s not true.
If there’s something I know about myself, it’s that I truly want to share my life with a partner. I’d give up anything in the world for my son, but I’m tired. Tired of being alone, tired of not having anyone to discuss problems with, tired of not having someone to share my day with, and really fucking tired of my bed being empty.
Working on putting the groceries away, I think back to the day Caleb was born. Me and Maggie, his mom, were so young, we didn’t know what to do. Hell, our parents weren’t even there because they didn’t agree with us keeping him. Throughout the entire seven months I was aware of the pregnancy, abortion and adoption were words thrown around every day from one of their mouths. I’d fought tooth and nail to get her to keep Caleb, and neither of my parents had been supportive. Eventually my mom came around, but my dad and I still have a strained relationship. I don’t see that ever changing, which is why my relationship with my own son means so much to me.
When they put his little body into my shaking hands, he looked up at me, eyes wide, nose scrunched and I lost my heart to him in that moment. I knew without a doubt, at sixteen-years-old I would do whatever it took to make this boy of mine a success. It’s been a hard eighteen years. We’ve faced struggles that neither of us were prepared for, crazy days of happiness, and lows that took us to the depths of anything we’d ever gone through. We’ve persevered, though, and I’ve done it all without Maggie’s help. Together we’ve been a unit that no one could break, and in the summer that’s exactly what’s going to happen. He’s going to leave and start a whole new life without me. Which means it’s time for me to figure out what I’m going to do with mine for the next thirty years.
“What did that box of cereal do to you?”
