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"Do you still love me?" I whispered, heart thumping hard in my chest. "Right now." Sniffled. "Do you love me tonight?"
"Do you still loveme?" he gave my words back to me. "Tonight?"
Yes."No." I shook my head, denying my feelings. "I can't."
"Then we are at an impasse," he said before throwing off the covers and moving to climb out of bed. "You can stay here until I have suitable accommodation arranged for you. I will find another place to stay –"
"No – you can't leave!" I blurted out, dragging him back down on the mattress. "You know what will happen if you leave me. If you go, your father will see it as a rejection. He will see it as you giving me back to him. You already did that and I barely made it out alive. Jethro won't save me this time. He's not strong like you. He doesn’t have that kind of power –"
"A la mierda con esto."Groaning, Trig flopped onto his back and pressed the heels of his hands to his face. "Corderito, usted me está matando."
"It's true, Trig, and you know it. My father's name won't protect me if that happens," I hurried to add, telling him things he was already more than aware of. "I'm damaged goods – they all saw. The only reason they didn't touch me tonight, or join in, is because they fearyou. You're the wildcard. The one they can't read. It scares them and that protects us. If you leave me, it'll be open season with mybody! I'll be put to work downstairs with the othergirls." Choking out a sob, I added, "I'd rather die."
"That willneverhappen," he snarled, chest rising and falling quickly now."I will make sure you are well taken care of –"
"You've alreadyclaimedme, Trigger," I spat, interrupting him. "Youdid that and you can't take it back." Sniffling, I pulled myself onto my knees. "Ibelongto you now." When he didn't meet my eyes, I leaned forward and roughly cupped his stubbly jaw. "We both know this is as close as it gets to marriage in our world, which means I'm as good as yourwife," I hissed, digging my nails into his flesh and praying to all that was holy that it was hurting him. "If you didn’t want me, then you should have left me for your brother." Hurt speared me, making it hard to breathe. "At least Jet wouldn't abandon me."
"I just told you that I will make arrangements for you. I will keep you under my protection, Ashton," Trig snapped, glaring up at me. "The fuck else do you want me to do?" he demanded, roughly shaking my hand away. "Lay beside you every night and listen to you cry? Watch you shake with fear every time I come within five feet of you? Youhateme. You want medead. We are a fucking disaster!Por el amor de cristo, Irapedyou –"
"Stop," I begged, roughly grabbing his jaw again and then squeezing his cheeks together as if I could somehow stop him from saying the words that we could never come back from. "Don't say it –"
"I. Raped. You," Trig strangled out, voice torn, eyes glued to mine.
"No." Shaking my head, I clamped my hand over his mouth. "Please."
Gently, he reached up and pried my hand from his mouth. "Ididthat to you," he continued, forcing me to hear him. "To my queen. Iviolatedyou. And I let them watch. A million lifetimes could pass and I still would never be able to come back fromthat."
"I…I…" Tears dripped down my cheeks and I shivered, repressing the painful memories. "Someone had to do it."
"So, you're glad it wasme?" he demanded with a pained snarl, sitting straight up. "No,corderito, we made a deal a long time ago. I promised you that I would protect you. I swore to you that I wouldneverallow a man to do to your body what I did tonight." His chest was heaving, his jaw still firmly gripped between my fingers. "Ashton, what I did to you tonight? What I did to your body? Inside it?" He shuddered. "I can never change or take it back. You can never forgive me for it. And I can never expect you to." He reached up and brushed a tear off my cheek. "We are fucked, sweetheart. We are completely and utterly doomed."
"I know and I…I…" I shook my head. "But you still can't leave me." I leaned into his touch and then quickly checked myself. "I don’t – I'm not – you just…"
"Say it," he ordered gruffly, dropping his hand to his side, still allowing me to clutch his face with my trembling hand. "Say how you feel,corderito. I deserve to hear it."
"Ihateyou for what you did to me," I cried, knowing full well that I sounded like a broken record, but unable and unwilling to change my tune. "Youhurtme, Trig." Conflicted, I moved to shift away from him but only ended up shuffling closer until my knees were brushing his thigh. "Youtoreme," I strangled out, panicked at the thought of getting close to him, but growing even more frantic at the thought ofnotgetting close to him. "Inside my body." I sagged weakly, confused and lost. "You broke me from the inside out."
"I know." He bowed his head and dragged in several shallow breaths before reaching up and gently prying my fingers away. "I can still call a doctor."
"Can he fix my heart, Trig? Because that hurts the most," I whispered, chewing on my lip. "Can he fixyours?"
"Para ti tal vez," he muttered under his breath. "Nada me puede arreglar."
"English," I warned him, needing to be on the same level tonight. "I want your words."
"I am not good with the words you want to hear," he admitted with a weary sigh before climbing out of bed. "If you want me to stay with you, I will stay. If you want me to leave you, I will leave." Eyeing me warily, he shrugged. "It is your choice,corderito." With a sharp exhale, he added, "From this moment on, it willalwaysbe your choice."
"Ineedyou to stay with me,not want," I forced the words out, disgusted with myself for valuing my life so greatly that I was making peace with sleeping with my rapist. "Ineedyour protection."
"Then you have it," Trig replied with a clipped nod. "But I need something in return from you."
"What?" Instantly wary, I tipped my chin up and waited for his demands.
"I need you to come with me now," he said, moving to the door of his ensuite bathroom and flicking on the light. "I need to clean you."
"You're not touching me again," I warned, panicked, wrapping my arms around myself. "Not one fucking finger."
"Then you clean yourself," he shot back heatedly. "But youwillshow me."
