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The bloody eye-socket.
The burst lip.
The purple swelling down the entire left side of his cheek.
His beautiful face was completely mangled.
“Jesus…” Suddenly starved for oxygen, I sucked in a sharp breath and strangled out, “What happened to your face?”
"Don’t ask me to say it," Joey warned, holding a hand up, as he slowly backed away from me. Never once did he take his piercing green eyes off mine as he moved, putting space between our bodies – and hearts. He was thrumming with tension now, visibly shaking with unrestrained fury. "Not when you already know."
"Joey, don’t walk away, okay?” I hurried to say, as I rushed to intercept him, stopping him from leaving through my bedroom door this time. “Just stay, okay? Just stay and talk to me."
"Ican'ttalk to you,” he spat, tensing when I grabbed ahold of his forearm. “That’s the whole point. I can't fucking talk about it, okay? I've got too many people depending on me. I can't talk." He blew out a ragged breath. "I don’t want to hurt you with my bullshit, but I know that I’m going to.”
I shook my head. “Joe…”
“You should want me to leave, Molloy,” he argued. “You shouldn’t be blocking the door, baby, you should be holding it goddamn open.”
“I’m not going to do that,” I warned, voice thick with emotion. “It’s not ever going to happen, so get that bullshit notion out of your head.”
“I’m a mess; in case ya haven’t noticed.”
“Yeah, I’ve noticed,” I shot back, curling my fingers around his wrist, as I pulled him back to me. “Do you see me running?”
“No, and thank fuck for that, because, contrary to how I act sometimes, Idon’twant you to run,” he admitted gruffly, chest heaving. “I want time with you, Molloy. I do. I want to be all kinds of right for you. But I have walls and limits and boundaries, and the only way I can be with you, get close to you, is if you stay the fuck behind them!”
I opened my mouth to respond, but he got there before me.
“There are going to be times when I look like this, and I’m not going to be able to give you an explanation. I can’t give you the words, Molloy, because those words will cost other people too much.” Blowing out a ragged breath, he shrugged helplessly, arms by his sides. “So, you need to decide if you can live with that. Because this is my life. This is me, and I can’t change.”
Reeling, I absorbed his words, heard his plea, felt his remorse, and drowned in his pain. “I’m willing to do that for you, if you’re willing to do something for me in return.”
He eyed me warily.
He acted like nothing bothered him, when in truth, he was eaten alive by the pain and insecurity of his home life.
“The drugs, Joey.” Heart racing violently, I reached up and pressed my hand to his chest. “You told me once that you wouldn’t hurt me on purpose again but seeing you completely out of it last nighthurt.”
“I’m not a saint, Molloy,” he replied gruffly. “You’ve always known what I am. I’ve never tried to hide it from you. I’ve never been a—“
“I’m not asking you to be a saint, Joey,” I hurried to say. “You’re right, I absolutely do know who you are, and I’m in, okay? I am all in with you. All I’m asking for in return is that you try to stay clean.”
“Try.”
“Yes, try.” I nodded slowly. “Just try, Joe. For me. That’s all I’m asking for.”
He was silent for so long that I thought he wasn’t going to answer me. But then, he released a ragged breath and pulled me into his arms. “Okay, Molloy,” he whispered, wrapping me up in his arms. “I’ll try.”
FIND YOU IN THE DARK
APRIL 2ND 2004
JOEY
A cold sweatbeaded my brow as I sat in the corner of the lounge in Biddies bar on Friday evening after school. I had my phone resting in one hand, and a vodka and Red Bull in the other.
Unlike most of the other pubs in town, Biddies wasn’t unaccustomed to serving minors. As long as you were discreet, kept your mouth shut, your drink out of sight, stayed in the back lounge, and didn’t cause trouble, you were welcome.
