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Slowly, as my mind resigned to the fact that there was no way I could leave three innocent children with the monsters that created us, I felt my muscles unlock, causing me to sink deeper into depression.
Trapping me…
Resentment bubbled to life inside of me, with my mind honing in on one face.
On one name.
Fuck Darren for leaving me alone in this.
Mam was crying in her room, with her clothes strewn everywhere, and her dignity smeared all over his dick, and I couldn’t do shit for her.
And just like last time, I couldn’t save her.
And just like all the times before that, I couldn’t stop him.
The deep timbre of my father’s voice echoed through my bedroom walls, as the threats he had been doling out to me late into the night slowly morphed into frustrated snarls and then eventually drunken slurs.
“Fucking prick,” was the last thing I heard him call me before his heavy footsteps clumsily retreated from my door.
Minutes later, his voice could be heard again, but at the other end of the landing this time, with my mother, once again, the target of his whiskey tantrum.
Heart hammering violently in my chest, I reached for the alarm clock on my bedside locker and squinted, trying to make out the time with only the dull hue of the street light outside my window to guide me.
02:34
For fuck’s sake.
Setting the clock back down, I released a frustrated breath, drummed my fingers against my chest, and tried to calm the fuck down.
It wasn’t coming easy, though.
Not tonight.
Because Darren was still gone, andhewas still here.
The one person I depended on in times like this – on nights like this – had walked away without as much as a backwards glance.
I should know.
I watched him go.
Dad never hit Darren like he hit me.
He was the firstborn, the golden boy.
I was the spare.
Darren got open-palmed slaps.
I got closed-fist punches.
Darren was diplomatic.
He could talk our father around better than anyone else in the house, and bring him back to his senses – well, most of the time.
Glowering at his empty bottom bunk, untouched since his departure, I felt the familiar swell of bitterness wash over me, taking with it another piece of my childhood.
I had just started first year for Christ's sake, wouldn’t turn thirteen for another month, what hope had I against a man twice my size?
