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“What’s wrong with him?”
“Nothing, he’s grand.”
“Grand? Look at him. He’s out of his mind – get away from my son.”
“Get it together, Joe.”
“Joe, lad, your mam’s here.”
“Joey, wake up, I need you.”
Mashing my lips together, I forced my eyes to blink open, and watched as a familiar face drifted in and out of focus.
"What did you take?" I heard my mother demand, as she held my face between her small hands. “What did you take, Joey!” Releasing a pained grunt, she breathed hard and fast for minute or two before turning her attention back to me. "What did you do to yourself?"
Fuck if I could remember.
"I'm grand," I slurred, reveling in the fucking fantastic feeling of warmth rushing through my body. “Where are ya…Mam, you’re here.”
“Yes, I’m here,” she snapped, catching ahold of my hand like I was a small child. I hadn’t been one of those in a very long time. “I came to get you because I need to go to the hospital,” she choked out, as she pulled me along after her. “I wanted you to look after your brothers, so Shannon could be with me, but it’s clear that you can’t even look after yourself.”
Freewheeling, I allowed her to lead me wherever she had decided I needed to be.
It didn’t matter to me where that was.
Nothing mattered now.
“Are ya having the baby, Mam?” I asked, mashing my lips together, as I tried and failed to brush the hair out of my eyes. “Another one?”
“Yes, Joey, I am.” The sound a car door opening filled my ears, and then I was being pushed inside, landing on my face in the back seat. “You’re a disgrace.”
“I know,” I agreed drowsily, feeling her slide into the seat alongside me. “I’m sorry, Mam…”
“Don’t speak,” she snapped before she instructed who I presumed was a taxi-driver to take us to the hospital.
"Stop crying, Mam." Dragging myself into a sitting position, I attempted to pull at my seat belt before giving up entirely and letting her do it for me instead. “I’ll, ah, it’s all grand…”
"You're breaking my heart.” Her voice cracked. "You're killing yourself."
The feelings I knew I should have, weren’t present inside the gaping hole in my chest. I was fucked. There was no point in denying it. No point in fighting it, either. Not when my own mother didn’t have faith in me.
“You’re just like him. In every way.”
What was the point in fighting my DNA?
This was who I was, and I had a horrible feeling that I couldn't be fixed or put back together again.
I couldn't reset my life. I was paralyzed and trapped in a body that resembled the person I despised most of all.
Well, almost.
I was starting to despise myself just that little bit more these days.
It killed me to know that I was hurting my mother, though.
To think that I was making her feel the way he did.
“Yeah.” Closing my eyes, I dropped my head on her shoulder and sighed. “Okay, Mam.”
