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“And then we had a drink. Two. Castor locked up, but you and I stayed, and I wasgiddybecause you were letting me be with you.” He swallowed hard. “That Billy Joel song came on, and I don’t know how we started kissing, but it was like every fantasy I’d ever had was finally coming true. I didn’t stop and think about where you were emotionally.” He shook his head. “I didn’t stop to think about the fact that you’d never have been with me that way if you were in your right mind, since you didn’t actually like me or trust me—”
“I liked you!” I broke off with a wince. “Okay, maybe I hated you a little, too…”
“Right. And then we were together, and it was… it was…” He shrugged. “Fucking phenomenal. The best I’ve ever had. Just like every time with you is, you know?”
My eyes widened. No, it was safe to say I didn’t know that he felt that way.
“And then I had to leave. To go back to the city. And…”
“And I pushed you away,” I croaked. “Because I wished you could stayso badly… and I knew you couldn’t.” I gave him a shaky smile. “Because you were building a career in New York. And I needed to stay in Honeybridge.”
The world had turned a thousand times since then, and here we were… right back in essentially the same spot. But maybe there were some things I could do better this time.
“I didn’t blame you, Jon. Not for what happened that night and not for leaving. But it was easier, I guess, to be angry about it than to admit the shitty, boring truth. That we weren’t right for each other because we needed different things out of life.”
JT crushed me against him, and I returned the hug, clinging to him a little desperately.
“I don’t ever want you to think you took advantage of me,” I whispered, “because you didn’t. I chose you. I wanted you. I’d wanted you for a long, long time,” I admitted.
“Really?” He pulled my hand away from his mouth and stared at me, almost in disbelief. “How long?”
I huffed out a laugh and tried to pull away, embarrassed despite all my earlier confessions. “Jesus, Frog, I don’t know. Since high school at least.” Longer. It had been longer. “I mean, I did agree to go on a date with you at one time, remember? Even though you stood me up.” I fought to make the words light and not bitter. Like that I didn’t still physically cringe at the memory of that night.
“Uh.” JT shook his head but wouldn’t let me free my hand. “Flynn, that never happened.”
My stomach tightened.Don’t be a fool, I warned myself. Don’t ruin this beautiful moment because you need to prove a point about the most traumatizing experience of your high school years.
“Actually.” I sniffed and made myself laugh lightly. “It did. You probably don’t remember—”
“I remember that it took memonthsto work up the courage to ask you out. You were so damn gorgeous and funny, the best person to compete against because you always gave a thousand percent at everything, just like me. So I asked you to hang out with me at the lake to look at the stars, like the world’s sappiest idiot. I made it my personal mission to get you to say yes.”
“And I did,” I reminded him hotly.
“Yep. But then you left me standing by the boathouse at the marina, holding an industrial-sized pack of your favorite Cocoa-Caramel Bits, forhours. Even though it was February, and it started to—”
“Snow!” I whispered, my breath coming faster. “I remember it distinctly. Because I was standing outside, by theboats at myhouse. You know, the kayakseveryoneused to use when we rowed to Milk Bottle Island!” I slapped his chest lightly. “What the actual fuck, JT? Why would you think I’d meet you at the marina, like I was a damn Wellbridge with a racing sailboat?”
“Me?” His jaw dropped. “How is thismyfault? I saidboathouse, not kayak shed. Besides, no one in the world saysboat at your houseall fast together like that. And why would you think I’d drive out to the Retreat when you know your brothers would have hounded me as soon as they saw my car?”
Now that he mentioned it, I felt a little bit foolish. Why had it never occurred to me that he meant the freaking boathouse? Why hadn’t I called him and yelled at him? Why hadn’t I asked him to explain or even demanded an apology?
Because I’d spent thirty-two years knowing this guy had the capacity to break my heart, and even now, it was hard to believe he wouldn’t. Because retreating from hurt and pretending I was unaffected was my best and only defense mechanism.
I stared at JT as my throat got tighter and tighter, and stupid tears pricked the backs of my eyes. I’d been so damn wrong, so damn often, that the magnitude of it overwhelmed me. But I couldn’t find the words to get us past this, to explain in a way that would make him understand and make usokayagain, without getting into a deep, emotional conversation that I couldn’t handle at that moment.
I was literally swaying on my feet from fatigue, and this conversation had sapped the very last bits of my energy.
JT watched me carefully, and his eyes softened a second before he dragged me toward him and buried his face in my hair.
Do not pity me, I wanted to warn him, feeling my hackles rise.Do not apologize again for something that was my damn fault as much as yours—
“I had no mittens,” he whispered mournfully.
“W-what?” That was the absolute last thing I’d expected to come out of his mouth.
“No mittens. I was like one of those bedraggled Oliver Twist orphans… but, you know, dressed in an L.L.Bean parka instead of rags and carrying a giant bag of candy instead of a bowl of gruel.”
The image was so absurd that I snort-giggled. “You poor thing. I stood outside so long Willow was convinced I’d developed an interest in astrology. She made me read a book about the impact of planetary bodies on our chakras and drink epic quantities of hawthorn berry tea to realign my Anahata.”
