AllFreeNovel
Share Us
When the front door clicked shut, I let out the breath I’d been holding. That was intense. Nick. The sex. Him perched in his briefs on my desk. My heart ached for him because I could see the raw emotion on his face. He was just as bowled over as I was by what had happened in that bed.
I needed to ignore it, glaze it over with another round of sex. I didn’t want to address what I saw or acknowledge I felt it too, so I used my body to make him forget. I wasn’t proud of myself.
But I wasn’t ready to deal with what he brought up. I doubt he was either. It was supposed to be us assuaging a physical need. It was hard for single parents to date. Harder still to find someone I could trust with my heart and body.
I trusted Nick to take care of me, to make me feel good. But I didn’t trust him not to hurt me. If I gave in to everything written on his face after the first round, I would have lost myself with him. I couldn’t afford to do that.
It took a long time for me to recover after Seth had left. It wasn’t so much that our relationship was solid, but that I depended on him being there. I relied on him. Trusted he had my back and wouldn’t walk away when I needed him.
Infertility had taken a toll on our relationship. Scheduled sex, injections, doctor’s appointments, medical procedures, the highs and lows. The anticipation that the next time would work, and the inevitable letdown when it didn’t was crushing.
Instead of turning toward each other, we lashed out at each other. Each quick to blame the other because the diagnostic testing revealed nothing. There was no reason we couldn’t get pregnant. None they could tell us. Without an answer, it was exceedingly frustrating.
I thought that was why he was so distant during the pregnancy. We just needed to heal the wounds we’d inflicted getting there, but it was much larger than I’d thought. He had unresolved issues with his father, which made him think he couldn’t be what Hunter needed.
Now, it didn’t hurt as much as it used to, but the memory was still fresh. I couldn’t get close to anyone else. I couldn’t let someone be in Hunter’s life and walk away. If my thing with Nick became a relationship, there was a good possibility it wouldn’t work out. I couldn’t take that chance.
Hunter’s well-being was too important to me. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt him again. If that meant I stayed single until he was in college, that was what I was prepared to do.
I steeled myself against what happened in my bed, gathering the sheets and blankets to throw them in the wash. Then I dressed quickly and put the spare set on the bed, so Hunter wouldn’t question why I was doing laundry in the middle of the day when I usually reserved housecleaning for the weekends.
I had just enough time for a quick shower to eliminate Nick’s spicy scent from my skin. I didn’t want the memory. I needed space and distance. With that would come clarity. If I got too close to Nick, I’d lose all sense of reality and give in to what he had to offer. I couldn’t afford to be reckless. Not anymore.
Hunter forced me to grow up and make adult decisions. I couldn’t forget the lessons I learned from Seth’s abandonment or the hills I’d climbed to get where I was today.
I stepped outside just as the bus was stopping at the stop sign and the kids were clambering off. Hunter was too old for me to wait by the intersection, but I needed to make sure he got on and off the bus okay.
He wanted more freedom, but that was as much as I willing to give him. He was my only child. I had to hold on tight with both hands. He was all I had.
“How was school?” I asked as he approached.
He gave me a weird look because I never asked the obligatory questions. I learned a long time ago it didn’t get me much more than grunt.
I sighed. “Sorry. I’m slipping.”
“I’m starving.”
I chuckled. “That’s more like it.”
I heated up our leftovers from the night before, knowing snacks wouldn’t satisfy him.
As I watched him eat, he talked a bit about his day, playing soccer at recess, winning the tournament in PE, and taking a quiz in math. I relished my time with him. Eventually, I knew he’d walk into his bedroom after school and slam it, effectively shutting me out. But we weren’t there yet. I still had a few more years of my sweet boy.
“Want to play catch?” he asked after he took his empty plate to the sink.
“Of course.” After school, we did whatever he wanted to do. I put work aside and focused on him.
I felt a twinge that I hadn’t really worked that day. I hadn’t even gone over the books with Nick. Instead, we did something far more satisfying.
Whatever emotions were bared during the act, my body felt worked over in the best way possible. For once, I felt like I’d taken care of myself. Given in to my needs. It was nice to indulge every once in a while. To not focus so much on work and the business or whether I was screwing Hunter up.
I felt lighter as we tossed the ball back and forth, less stressed as I crouched into the catcher position and he practiced his pitching.
“Can we play with Brody?” Hunter asked.
“You don’t like playing with me?” I teased.
Hunter winced slightly. “I do. But Brody’s more fun.”
