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Make no mistake, I’ll never touch her, but a piece of my heart dies in my chest every time I let myself dwell on that too much.
“Delta-“ River starts to protest but she shakes her head, wiping away the tear and smiling bravely at the man who should be protecting her.
“Seriously Dad, it’ll just take a second. You don’t want you to see me getting an injection in my underwear anyway.” Her joke is strained but River laughs anyway, his previous reticence vanishing at the sight of his daughter’s clearly forced smile.
“Alright.” He agrees, backing towards the door. “I’ll be in the waiting room if you need me, DJ.” His eyes flash to me, an unspoken threat in his tense expression. The message couldn’t be clearer, “don’t you dare”, but he exits the room anyway, leaving me and Delta alone.
I cross my arms over my suddenly pounding heart, staring at her.
“You don’t need to say it.” Delta agrees softly, fiddling with the paper sheet covering her lower half and avoiding making eye contact with me. “I know.”
“You’re fucking up your body.” I remind her for the dozenth time this year, not bothering to mince words or be professional. Professionalism flew out the door a long time ago with this woman.
“Even if you manage to qualify for the games, there’s no guarantee you’ll be able to compete. Whereas if you take the year off, you might be able to come back.”
“In four years.” She asks skeptically, raising her eyebrows.
I don’t reply. I won’t lie to her, four years is a long way off, and professional athletes who compete at her level don’t usually last until they’re twenty-four. Especially not with existing injuries like Delta’s. Asking her to stop now means she will more-than-likely never compete in another Olympic games.
“Do you really want this?” I finally ask, my throat tight. “Or is this River talking?”
Her hesitation is just a half second too long before she replies, her voice so sure that anyone else would probably believe her. “I want this.”
We look at each other for a moment, but at the end of the day I know what I have to do. She’s going to be getting back on that mountain with or without my help, and letting another doctor, probably a worse one than me treating her… I can’t.
I’m in autopilot as I go to fetch the injection and return to Delta’s exam room. She’s used to this by now and we move through the routine in silence, her laying back on the table, the sheet over her pushed down so I get a glimpse of beautiful skin that’s marred with yellowing bruises.
“Deep breath.”
I feel her trembling as I disinfect the area and push the needle into her hip, my entire body tense and queasy. This is whyphysicians aren’t supposed to treat family, it’s impossible to be impartial when someone you love is in pain.
The whole thing can’t have taken longer than thirty seconds, but that doesn’t make it any less awful for either of us.
I drop the needle into the sharps container and am back at her side in a flash, rubbing the injection site with one gloved hand, the other flying to hers. She grips it tightly, a quiet sob bubbling in her throat as she squeezes her eyes shut, tears streaming down the sides of her face and onto the paper table covering.
The room is so quiet I can hear the quiet thud of her tears hitting the paper.
“Delta.” My voice breaks. I can’t do this to her anymore. I can’t. I’d rather jab the needle in my own eye.
She shakes her head, eyes still tightly closed. “I’ll be okay Dr. Harrison. Mind over matter.”
I scoff. “Fuck mind over matter.” Delta lets out a noise somewhere between a laugh and a sob. Giving my hand a little squeeze to let me know she’s ready, I help her sit up.
When she finally opens her eyes, we’re only a few inches apart. I can see it all, her exhaustion, her pain, her desperation. I’ve spent my entire career fixing people and the one I want to help most is growing worse by the day.
“You don’t have to say anything.” I say quietly, my hand still pressed against the small of her back.
On the surface, Delta looks like any other petite twenty-year-old, but she’s not. I can feel the strength beneath her skin, the power. Quieter than some, but not any less potent. “I want you to know that you can call me. Any time. If you’re in trouble or-“ I swallow. “Anything. You call me.”
Delta blinks up at me, a playful smile curling her lips. “If I’m excited it’s free waffle day at the mountain?”
I can’t help but grin too. “Free waffles? Hell yes. I’ll shut down the practice for the day for that.”
Her smile widens just a little and my whole fucking heart aches. I love it when we get moments like this. Fun, carefree, silly little glimpses into what our lives might have been like all the time if we’d met on the street instead of inside this room. “If… I get new snow pants?”
I snort. River’s team all wear uniform jackets and hats, however they’re allowed to pick their own snow pants and Delta’s collection is verging on ridiculous. The last time I saw her compete, they had pink flamingos on them.
“If you spent less money on snow pants maybe you wouldn’t have to rely on free waffle day to get your fix.”
