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She laughs. “I got him a pair of those noise-canceling earphones. He’ll be immersed in his game and won’t even know we’re alive.”
I toss the ball of socks into the basket. “Then I’m good.”
“Are you, though?” She scrunches up her nose. “Good, I mean?”
“Not yet, but I will be.” It’s a lie. I can feel it deep inside, this is probably the best I’ll ever feel. There’s a heavy ball rolling around my chest. And I deserve it.
“I know you; you’re blaming yourself and it’s not your fault.” She reaches across the table and squeezes my hand. It reminds me how Maxim would do that, a tiny squeeze that would settle my nerves, or calm my worries. Natalie doesn’t have the same power he does.
“My head understands that, but it’s my heart that won’t listen.” I frown. “But I’ll be okay. I have the rest of my life to feel better.” Unlike my baby brother.
She sighs. “Maybe you should call him.” She gives a pointed look at my phone sitting between us. “You know, to thank him for helping out.”
“I’ll send him a card.” I pull back from her. Talking to him would be too much. Just the sound of his voice might pull me back into a world I need to run clear of.
“He was there, you know,” Natalie says quietly a moment later.
“Where?”
“At the funeral. He was there. I noticed a SUV parked away from where we were, then I saw him. He was all dressed up in a black suit and dark sunglasses, hands folded in front of him. If I hadn’t recognized him, it would have scared the shit out of me,” she explains. “I watched him, Mandy, and that man wanted to be there with you. I could tell.”
In my mind, I picture exactly what she describes. I’m glad I hadn’t seen him, because I wouldn’t have been strong enough not to let him comfort me. I would have fallen right into his arms and used his warmth, his strength as a shield from the pain. A pain that is rightfully mine. I own it. I deserve it.
“Do you blame him? For what happened to your friend, that guy who left the note on the door?” She’s poking at the wound without realizing it.
“Jack? No.” I shake my head. “I don’t blame him for that.” Jack’s body was found the day after Gunner’s funeral. I have no doubt the Romanovs had everything to do with Jack’s death, but I feel nothing about it. Maybe that makes me as bad as them, but Jack betrayed me, lied right to my face. He knew I was searching for my brother, and he just let me keep looking in shadows knowing I’d never find him.
I wish I’d been able to get Gunner away from Jack when he was younger. I should have protected him from people like him. Another way I failed my brother.
“Yeah. I mean he could have fallen from that bridge for any number of reasons.” We stare at each other, neither of us willing to question the way he died.
A knock on the door breaks our staring contest.
“I got it.” Chad steps over his gaming console on the floor and goes to the door. “Uh, Mandy, I think it’s for you.”
I swivel in my chair to see a man standing in the doorway. He’s in a dark shirt and black pants, holding a large cardboard box in his arms.
“Who are you?” I ask, getting up from the table and moving closer toward him. Quickly, I glance behind him, half expecting—maybe a little hoping—to find Maxim with him. He’s not, and another knot coils in my stomach.
“I’m Osip. Maxim said to bring this here.” The man pushes Chad out of his way and steps inside with the box.
“What is it?” I ask.
“Your brother’s belongings.” He shifts the box. “His room was cleaned out; this is everything Maxim thought you might want. Where do you want it?” His jaw is chiseled and covered in a dark beard.
“Gunner’s things?” I stare at the box. A single box. His entire life fits into one cardboard box. I blink away tears. “It can go in my room.” I point to the open door behind me. He gives one curt nod then takes it inside. I follow behind him.
“Here okay?” he asks, gesturing toward the bed.
“Yeah. Please.” I wrap my arms around my middle. “Thanks.”
“No problem.” He nods then turns to leave. After a step he pauses. “Shit, almost forgot.” He reaches into his back pocket and pulls out an envelope and hands it to me. “He said to be sure you got this.”
I take it from him. “What is it?”
He shrugs. “I don’t know. Maxim just said to be sure you got it.”
Once he’s gone, Natalie hurries into my room. “What’s that?”
