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Rhyan’s hand against my chest shook a little. “We are.” He still had that nervous edge to his voice, that uncertainty.
I steadied my hand over his. “We’re not in Urtavia, are we?” I asked.
“No,” he said. “Gryphon Island. In the caves behind the Guardian of Bamaria.” He was breathing roughly. A large rock stood behind us, almost like a bench, and Rhyan stepped back from me, slid onto it, and leaned his head against the wall.
I sat down beside him and took his hand in mine, threading our fingers together. The vulnerability in his eyes almost killed me as the truth about Rhyan became totally and utterly clear. We’d moved from the city to an island in seconds, an island that had taken half an hour to fly to by seraphim when we’d come here on Days of Shadows.
I squeezed his hand. “So that’s how it feels to travel?”
“Yes. That’s what it feels like when you have the third vorakh.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
Thecavewasspinningaround me. Jagged rock formations jutted from the walls and ceilings, and over the trickling of the pool was a dripping sound. The single torch offering light cast dancing shadows across the walls.
I took a deep breath, my mind reeling. Rhyan had a vorakh. All this time, his sympathy toward Jules, his quick promise to protect and keep Meera’s and Morgana’s secret—it was all because he knew what it was like, because he had it himself, because he’d lived with it for years, hiding it, learning to control it…fearing its consequences.
The pit that had formed in my belly when Jules’s vorkah had appeared, then Meera’s, then Morgana’s, enlarged. Gods, not him. Not him, too.
I looked back at him. “Are you hurt?” He was still leaning against the wall, his breathing more shallow than usual.
“No,” he said, rubbing between his eyebrows. “Just tired.” His green eyes focused on me with a fiery intensity. “I almost lost you.”
“But you didn’t. You saved me.” I placed my other hand over his, trying to help him calm down.
He closed his eyes, looking embarrassed. “I should have used it sooner. I’m sorry, I cut it too close, I was just—fuck. I was trying to do the right thing, to stop the threat, to get us out of there the right way, the soturion way. But when it came down to it, when it grabbed you…I lost it. And I knew then, I’d risk everything to save you.”
I leaned in toward him. “Thank you.”
“Fuck. I don’t know what I’m doing. I had to keep you safe but…” He shook his head.
“It’s okay,” I said. “It’s all right. Just take a breath. We’re both okay.”
He nodded, watching me as I helped him calm his breathing.
“Did you ever do that with me before?” I asked, more curious than anything, but also knowing I needed to distract him, to refocus his attention so he could calm himself down. “Earlier, when I was having a panic attack, we were in the red ray’s hallway, but after, we walked out into the green. Did we…?”
He closed his eyes, his hand reaching for my face. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.” He swallowed and leaned forward, looking pale.
“Rhyan, it’s okay. I understand why. Were there other times?” I asked.
He nodded slowly. “Yes.” He sat back, staring at our joined hands. “I never meant to though. I wastrainedto control it.”
“Trained?” I asked. He’d used an odd affect on the word, like it didn’t mean what I thought. And as far as I knew, no training for vorakh existed anywhere in the Empire.
He looked away, his gaze distant. “The beatings, the reason my father bound me, it was partly his attempt to suppress my vorakh.” He bit his lip before turning toward me again. “He seemed to think he could beat it out of me—although he’d been beating me long before. At least then, he had an excuse. And when he couldn’t, he tried to torture it out of me.”
Gods. “That’s why he bound you?” My throat tightened.
His fingers twitched nervously in my hand. “I couldn’t,” he started helplessly, “I couldn’t control it at first.” He sounded so small and vulnerable in that moment. Like a much younger Rhyan was speaking, the one who’d been hurting, and lying, and covering up his bruises, doing all he could to protect his Ka. Like I had been. “I’d be walking through the fortress, some random hall one second, and then the next, I’d be on a different floor. In a different room. Accidentally finding myself in the kitchens and scaring the cooks, or disturbing someone in the bathroom. He beat me. Every time. He always knew, every single time it happened. He sensed it somehow. And he’d punish me along with whoever was unfortunate enough to see me. And when his punishments didn’t take effect the first few times, he decided to beat her instead. My mother. Make me watch.”
I cupped his cheek, stroking my thumb against his skin. He looked so bone-weary as he leaned his head against my hand.
“I tried to control it,” he continued, “for her sake, for mine. The only thing I could figure out was it happened during moments of intense emotion. If I was feeling particularly angry or sad or just…Gods, if I laughed too loud, it happened. And he’d come for me. Come for her. Come for any witnesses. I’d spend the following morning running our arena bound, training in fives without being able to touch my power—lest I travel by accident. It went on and on until I’d been beaten so much, helped her clean up so many times, watched so many of the servants….” He blinked back his tears. “I had to stop feeling. I kept everything cold and buried. I did all I could not to feel. But sometimes,” his eyes were red, “sometimes I couldn’t help it.” A tear fell against my hand.
“Rhyan.” I leaned forward, wrapping him in my arms. I cupped the nape of his neck, pulling him closer, holding him tighter. His chest shook against mine. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry all that happened to you. He’s a monster. You should have been protected, you should have been allowed to feel everything you did. You should have been made safe when your vorakh acted up, not punished for it.”
He buried his face against my neck, more tears fell, warm against my skin.
