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Didn’t I know that girls like us don’t get nice things unless we make the right choices?
•••
I MEET SEAMUSat a cocktail bar in the Bellagio. I look old enough. I’ve always looked old enough. Meeting men is easy, but I’m looking for a specific type of man. I’ve talked to several men that night, but they were the wrong kind, the kind Mother hopes I’ll find so I’ll come running back to her.
But I’m starting to figure out that I actually kind of know what I’m doing.
Seamus is from LA, he tells me. Well, Manhattan Beach. It’s fantastic, he says. He’s in business, I don’t know what kind and I don’t care, but he loves to gamble and goes to high-stakes poker tournaments, likes to have a pretty girl on his arm, occasionally in his bed if he’s in the mood, and I’m paid for my services.
The perfect part-time job.
Our relationship is pleasant. It feels transactional and I like that. We both know where we stand. It’s good for him. It’s good for me. If I keep this up, I could leave Mother. I come home with money, but not too much. The rest is in the secret bank account Seamus sets up for me. He knows I’m in trouble, he just doesn’t know how much. I don’t share more than necessary to get what I want.
•••
MOTHER’S MAD THATI’m succeeding, that I don’t need her anymore. She’s furious that she’s the one who needs me now. Mother is getting older. She’s still beautiful, but she’s no longer young. What will she do if I leave?WhenI leave. I don’t know. I pretend I don’t care. I don’t want to care. She demands to know my source, but I don’t wantto tell her. I want to keep Seamus all to myself. I also don’t want to put him in harm’s way. Inherway.
“I’m giving you the money. Isn’t that what matters? I’m doing what you asked me to do,” I say to her. She doesn’t say anything back to me. I’m starting to think I was set up to lose no matter what I did. I always fail her tests.
•••
A MAN ISin our living room. We never have men over when Mother and I live alone. We only play games in others’ homes. But Mother explains that this man is here for a meeting, a potential source for us. He’s absolutely hideous, not on our level, not on my level. It’s not just how he looks. No trace of a neck, but also no trace of a soul. He’s massive. Sinister. I want him out.
“I don’t need another source,” I say to Mother. The man licks his lips at me. He’s disgusting. How could she let him into our home? She’s so angry with me. He’s wearing a gold chain, for God’s sake. Something isn’t right. She wants me to be afraid. Hurt. How much more can she hurt me?
My shoulders sit high, almost to my ears. I take a step back as he licks his lips again. I can’t relax. He’s revolting. I look at Mother. Okay, you’ve made your point. Call off the beast. Please, Mother. Please, Mommy.
She nods her head at him and thankfully, it’s a signal to leave.
I was ready to run, but would she actually do something so evil?
“Could be good for you, you know,” Mother says as he shuts the door behind him. “To be knocked down a peg or two. Maybe you’ll learn to respect me and everything I’ve done for you.”
Mother doesn’t make threats.
Only promises.
I know her.
I have to leave, but she won’t let me go.
I stay awake all night.
Dreaming of the future.
When I will be alone.
When she will be gone.
She has to go.
And so do I.
•••
SEAMUS HAS THEcash and the contacts for everything I need. Passport. Social security number. Birth certificate. All of it. He’s the sole resource I have. I think he can be trusted. I have faith that he can. It’s my only option. I have to get out. I also know about his wife and children and potentially unsavory business dealings, so he’d be wise to keep my secrets, too. The ask is easy. A naked man with a primal obsession with your body will give you anything you want if you know what you’re doing. I’m learning it’s not just about the sex with Seamus. Seamus likes to be heard. Likes to be seen. Likes to be understood. Seamus believes that I really care about him. That I have true empathy for him.
Like he needs it.
