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“I don’t know what else I was supposed to do. You think I wanted to go see her? I’m trying. With your family. With you. Collin, I’ve been trying to talk to you about how you’re feeling since we got back in town. It’s been weeks. This isn’t like you.”
“I’m sure she had a lot to contribute. So what wisdom did she impart to you?”
“I thought I was doing the right thing. I’m sorry if I upset you.”
“I’m fine.”
He was lying to my face. Oh, we were married now, the dark side of it quickly emerging. But I had to stay sweet and concerned. Not for Collin, but for me. Eye on the prize. I’d watched Mother do it before. I could do it, too.
“She mentioned that this happens sometimes and that it isn’t cause for concern. I disagree—”
“Like she’d know anything about it,” he grumbled.
“Have you talked to anybody recently?” I had to tread lightly. This was a delicate subject. Clearly. “Like a professional?”
“No,” he barked. “I know how to handle myself.”
Love is patient, love is kind, I thought to myself and scoffed.
Keep it up, Bea. Keep. It. Up.
“Okay. Well, maybe you could see a doctor. Just in case there’s some new developments. There’s no shame in taking care of yourself. We can get some referrals easily, I’m sure.” I believed this to be a pretty mild request and one that should be nonnegotiable. Didn’t he want to feel better? Besides, I needed him at his peak to finish off Gale.
“I see my doctor regularly,” he said offhandedly. Collin sank back on the couch to resume his heinous program. I was losing him again. Now he was depressed and cross with me. A terrible combination.
“Okay, well, did you call him or her about what’s been going on recently?”
“Him,” he snarled.
“Did. You. Call. Him?” If he was going to take on the persona of a misogynistic ass, I could also rise to the occasion with some sass of my own. I wasn’t a saint! I was being a very good wife to him and he was refusing all of my advances to help him. An outrage.
“This is my business, Bea. Don’t worry about it.”
So he was testing me. How positively maddening. I wondered if Mother went through any of this with her husbands—surprise “quirks” postnuptials that could throw a marriage right off-kilter. Nothing that called for homicide, of course, but irksome all the same. I didn’t actually worry about Collin, though I wasn’t expecting such a dramatic turn from my mild-mannered man. Truthfully, I would have loved to spend some time to myself while he went through his episodes, occasionally and privately, but I needed him now to get to Gale as soon as possible. So I kept up the charade of aggressively caring.
“But Iamworried about it. I love you. You could see a therapist, or maybe a psychiatrist could prescribe something else that would take the edge off a bit. Just until you’re feeling back to normal. It’s not a big deal. I know your mother may suggest otherwise, but I’m not judging you, Collin.” I sat next to him on the couch, running my hands through his hair, wanting him to look me in the eye, hoping that if he truly connected with me, he would snap out of it. “It’s hard to be a person sometimes, honey. I get it. It’s okay.”
“Iamtaking care of it!” Collin shouted. “Now lay off me, Bea, all right? Please? I know how to deal with this and you just have to let me be.” And then he got up to get a beer from the fridge, which totally seemed like a sensible decision in the midst of a heated discussion with one’s wife. Atrocious behavior, but I would not be deterred by his antics, no matter how exasperating. If he wanted to be an oafish husband, I would match that undesirable energy, channeling a stereotypical shrew of a wife.
“Howare you taking care of it?” I asked. “With a doctor?”
“It doesn’t matter! Bea, I’m sorry. I don’t want to rope you into my shit like this. I know that I suck right now. I’m not an idiot. But italways goes away. It will go away again. I promise. Just leave it alone and trust me. Please?”
“Collin. I am your wife. You have to—”
“And I want you tostaymy wife, so we’re not opening this box today.”
He stood in the kitchen, staring at me in between sips of beer. At least he was finally making eye contact with me, some life behind them, but I flinched at what he just said. Now it was out there. He could go at any time. How to play it next with so much on the line? It seemed to anger him when I wilted like a flower. That wasn’t something he loved about me. He came alive when I got a little fiery. He liked reactionary Bea. He liked the knowledge that somethinghedid made me react strongly. Power. Of course. Okay then.
“Are youthreateningto leave me? We’ve been married all of a few weeks. This isn’t how a functioning couple should operate. We aren’t communicating and I won’t have it, and if you think you can just push me away, you’ve got another thing coming.”
I was trying not to panic at his silence, but then he finally held out his hands for mine. I’d done it. Thank God.
“Bea. Stop it. Just stop. Please.” I let Collin hold me close even though I was enraged by even the insinuation that he would leave me. How dare he frighten me so! He hadn’t touched me at all in what felt like ages. Maybe I was in over my head. I wasn’t cut out for this kind of life. Bored and married and having to deal with someone else’s problems in addition to my own. Sharing a life. One heated argument away from losing it all. Yikes. Perhaps Mother was right. We weren’t like them. We never could be.
I didn’t want it to be true.
“That’s not it,” Collin whispered into my hair, taking a deep breath, in and out. “That’s not it at all. I’m not going to leave you. I wouldnever leave you, Bea. Never. I’m terrified you’ll leave me.” His reassurance hit me like a drug. I still had the upper hand.
