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She never could.
I released Gale from my clutches.
She gasped for air, launching herself back to life, placing her own hands around her neck, in disbelief she was still there. She burst into hysterical tears, looking like she had just seen the light and nearlywalked toward it. I watched her dry heave on the floor, neck ragged and red.
I grabbed the file on Mother, Victoria Osthoff, and fled, in dire need of a Plan B. I had nearly killed Gale Wallace-Leicester. I probably should have killed her, but I couldn’t finish the job. My whole life was in her hands, and still I left, unable to do what was necessary. A comfort in some ways, but maybe I was the weak one after all.
I walked the entire way home like a madwoman. That was too many blocks on a good day, much less when I was pregnant, but I had to keep moving to stop myself from screaming or crying or worse. I just needed to get home to Collin, if he would even protect me now. I had given Gale exactly what she wanted. More fodder for her files that would remove me from her life for good. I couldn’t exactly blame a violent strangling on pregnancy hormones, even if I didn’t go all the way, as it were.
And Mother was out there, still watching me, waiting.
When would she show herself?
The thought of Gale and Mother plotting against me for so long, even involving Syl in their dual mastermind, was beyond my comprehension. I was furious with myself for not seeing it sooner. But how could I? Maybe if I had listened to the voice inside, the one thatknewshe was still here somehow, but I’d ignored it for so long, allowing it to drive me crazy without any meaningful result.
I had told myself it was impossible, but when it came to Mother, I should have known nothing was impossible.
She had always been close and now I wanted her to find me. Desperately. I needed her help now. I needed my mother. I didn’t know what to do about Gale and what I had done to her. She could be in communication with the authorities already. I was so ashamed of myself. How could I be so stupid, so pathetic?
But I was never more pathetic than when I saw Mother as I arrived home, in our back garden, legs bare and still lean, crossed elegantly on the chaise, lips pursed and pink to match her dress. Like no time had passed at all, she beckoned to me with one long single finger, and I went right to her.
Sometimes, a girl just needs hermother.
CHAPTER
21
“YOU HAVE Alovely home,” Mother said, an unfamiliar crackle in her speech, no longer as crisp; her youth had vanished, though she was still beautiful. Many women her age would have developed a warble in their voice, like an aged bird, but Mother was always more of a lioness. She purred.
“Thank you, Mother.” It was all I could think to say. I clasped my hands under my protruding belly and pointed my chin downward, taking the standard stance of obedience in her presence. I felt so silly and so frightened. I had imagined this reunion with Mother so many times. I had dreamt about it, vividly. I dreamt of her all the time. In some dreams I was tough on her when she resurfaced. A little brat. I would tell her she got what she deserved after what she had done to me. She didn’t deserve to live; she deserved death at my hand. I should have waited and watched it happen and made absolutely sure she was eradicated from this earth.
But in other dreams all I did was apologize to her endlessly. To her face, on my knees, shouting it from far away, shouting it right into her face again, but she wouldn’t look at me. She’d never look at me, refusing to see me or hear me or acknowledge me. No longer a team. She didn’t want me anymore.I’m so sorry, Mother. Mommy, I’m sorry. Please forgive me.Louder and louder, as loud as I could. Or sometimes no sound came out of my mouth but it felt like I was screaming my apologies to her. She never forgave me in those dreams. She just walked away. Far, far away from me. She didn’t like me. She didn’t love me. My own mother.
Did she forgive me? Did I even want her forgiveness? I was falling right back into the little girl I was before. All those little girls I’d had to be, never allowed to be just one, just me. I was always somebody else, but always her daughter, even now.
“Quite a score. Old money.Bigmoney. I’m very impressed,” she said, standing up from the chaise, still maintaining a distance from me. “But it’s always risky with a large family, isn’t it? I looked for loners, but not you, apparently. The Case family. Wow, so well-known! But I think you and I had different goals we wanted to achieve. I liked keeping us on our toes, but you? You justlovedknowing where your next meal was coming from. Still do, right? For now, anyway. You probably think you’d like to die in this house.”
That wasn’t a threat, it was an insult. I looked over my shoulder at the house and realized I wouldn’t mind that at all. A permanent home. I couldn’t think of a better place to go.
“Aren’t you going to invite me inside?” Mother asked.
“No,” I said out of instinct. She still felt like a dream even though I knew this was real. There was nothing hazy about her presence, it hit me like a shovel to my face, but it was difficult to reconcile that she was actually standing before me. I knew her so well and yet I didn’tknow her at all. So much can happen in ten years. “Collin will be home—”
“Home late,” she finished with a grin, informing me her work into my life was far from over. “He’s out. A family emergency. By the time he gets to Connecticut and back, we’ll be gone. So why don’t you give me the grand tour and show me what a big girl you are. Don’t you want to parade around as the lady of the house? I promise to act very impressed. Make me proud.”
Logically I knew there would be no point to such a charade, but there was still that little girl inside me that wanted to make Mother proud. I still wanted to make her like me, because when she liked me, no matter how fleeting, it always felt good. I had always wanted to be on her team. I could charm anyone at will, but with her, I really had to work at it. And even when I thought I had her, it wasn’t really a win, was it? She always had the upper hand. With her, I always lost. Mother’s game against me was the only one I never figured out how to win. It drove me crazy still.
A text from Collin demanded my attention before I could muster up a response in any direction.Be home later.Mother was right.
“How far along are you?” she asked, looking my body up and down, biting the inside of her cheeks.
“Almost five months,” I told her. To hear her acknowledge my unborn child made me feel heavier with guilt. The child was so innocent and yet they had come from her, from me. Surely that would change. Wasn’t it their destiny?
“I hated being pregnant,” Mother sneered. “Both times. I don’t know why I even did it a second time.”
“You never told me about Syl,” I said to her softly, letting the insult about me roll off my back as best I could, but I knew I’d feel the effects later when I would least expect it.
“She’s not one of us.”
