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“She told me about the fire...” I trailed off intentionally. I wanted to hear the story from her, if she would tell it.
“She told you about that, hmm?” Mother chuckled to herself, like it was old family lore that was a pleasure to periodically revisit when we all got together for the holidays. “Not my best work, but I was young and wild and impulsive. No precision. Not like what I could do now. I really thought I could swing that whole thing with Giles. Be normal, like what you’re attempting here with Collin. I married the man, I had the baby, we had the house, we had money. Nothing like this, but more than enough. I had everything we were supposed to want. I think I always knew it wasn’t for me, deep down, but I felt I should try for the so-called American Dream. Maybe I could be like everyone else if I applied myself, willing myself to want what I actually had in my hands. I wanted to be like everyone else, forced it on myself, until I couldn’t take it anymore. Not physically. Not mentally. Not at all. And you’ll get there, too, if you carry on this way. You’re just like me, despite your best efforts. Look what you did to Gale.”
“I’m different from you,” I squeaked, clearly not believing it myself. It made her laugh.
“When I got pregnant the second time, with you, I had to get out at any cost. It was stifling and boring and I wanted no part of it anymore, but I admit that I didn’t want them hurt. It was sloppy. I secured the cash and hatched a harebrained plan. They weren’t even supposed to be home. Anyway, it wasn’t my intention for him to end up where he did, or the girl for that matter. I just wanted them to think I was dead so they would never come looking for me. For us. I wanted them to think thatwewere dead.”
“I don’t believe you. You didn’t care about them.”
“I cared enough, didn’t I? They’re alive.” She took a few stepstoward me, but I took a few steps back. She snickered, but stopped moving, keeping her distance.
“Why did you keep me? You must have considered other options.”
“Of course I did,” she said coldly.
“So why did you?” I had always wanted to ask her, but I’d been so afraid to ask her anything when I was young. I was still afraid, with much more to lose, but if not now, when?
“I thought you would be a useful tool,” she said matter-of-factly. “Something to make it more fun. More exciting. An interesting variable in the inevitable monotony of life. And we had fun, didn’t we? I know we did. You can’t say it was boring.”
“No,” I said, surprised by the conviction in my voice, but I didn’t believe her. I believed that’s what she would tell me, but I thought the answer was much darker. I wanted her to admit it to my face. “That’s not it.”
“Oh?” Mother was amused, crossing her arms in front of her chest. “What’s your hypothesis then?”
“Syl told me that she wasn’t close to you at all. The way other girls can be with their mothers. She found you frightening. Almost repellent. And I think that hurt your feelings, Mother. She hurt your feelings.”
“She wouldn’t remember anything about th—”
“She sees Giles. He remembers. And she remembers. Little girls remember their feelings. I do, too.”
“Go on.” Mother smirked, mocking me. “Say what you want to say. This is your moment, isn’t it? How long have you been wanting to say all this to me?”
“She was his. And I think you wanted to see if you got one for yourself,” I replied. She wanted her very own daughter. A little plaything that she pushed away and pulled in at will, thinking only of herown feelings, her ownsickfeelings, and never mine or what she was doing to me. But was that how she loved me? The only way she knew how? She left everyone and everything else but she never left me.
She kept me.
I was hers and she kept me.
She wanted to keep me.
I was always going to be the one who had to leave.
Run away.
I waited for her response, taking a deep breath in the silent moments that passed.
“If that’s what you need to tell yourself, I won’t argue with you,” she said, looking above my head and at the house, refusing to connect with me on any honest level. The window to the past, open briefly, had been shut. It only confirmed my theory. It wasn’t normal love from Mother, but it was something, like I suspected. She had always known exactly where I was, even after I did what I did to her. Watching and waiting. Playing and plotting. And here we were. Finally together again. Mother and daughter.
“We have a lot to discuss about your dilemma with Gale,” Mother said, strolling past me toward the door to the house. “Why don’t we go inside?”
I didn’t protest, because she was right, and I followed her inside my own home. We sat on the stools in the kitchen around the island and I immediately offered her something to drink out of habit.
“I think I’ll make my own drinks around you from now on,” Mother sniped. I held my breath. I knew she’d bring it up, but what did I have to say for myself? It was unforgivable, wasn’t it? “You almost had me. One more pill might have done it. Just one more.” I was quiet and unresponsive, thinking it best to be nonconfrontational. Don’t panic. But around Mother, I was falling back into an old habit,waiting for her to take the lead because I wasn’t yet sure of her plans for me. “Aren’t you going to apologize to your mother?” she hissed.
“But you wouldn’t have let me go,” I uttered quickly, no time for logic to enter my brain, talking back and justifying the unjustifiable. I was going to make myself say all the things I’d been wanting and waiting to say to her. I was about to lose everything anyway. The time was now. “I didn’t have another choice. You didn’t give me another choice.”
“I’d say you had an alternative—”
“You’re here, aren’t you?” I barked at her, admitting defeat. “You won. You bested me, as always. You always beat me, Mother. You win. How? I really need you to tell me, because you got involved with Gale and now look at the mess we’re in together. All so you could get your revenge on me instead of just letting me go. You had to keep me, the whole time, but now she knows all of it. She knows everything because of you. She has us, Mother, don’t you get it? She has us because of what you’ve done to me.”
