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•••
I STUDIED COLLIN’Sface that night for hours. I wanted to memorize him, just in case it would be over for us. The cut of his jaw, the bow of his lips, the cowlick in his hairfinallygrown out to perfection. His eyes, always tender and loving toward me. Those teeth. Those gargantuan teeth of his showing out. He was jovial again, shaking off the day and its harrowing events. He had no idea. Openly adoring me as I put on my nightgown. Rubbing my shoulders. Rubbing my belly. Talking about baby names again. What would we call her? Or him? He reminded me that we were being surprised because he told me you don’t get many surprises like that in life. The really wonderful ones. The kind when you’re so utterly surprised and you’re happy with either outcome. Why take that away from us? He didn’t know I hated surprises. He was trying to be the man he thought I wanted him to be. Hewasthe man I wanted him to be. Safe. Secure. Reliable. He really believed all of our worries were behind us and if anything else surfaced, we would be able to overcome it together, no problem, because our marriage had been appropriately tested in the first year thanks to Gale Wallace-Leicester. We had passed and now we could celebrate together forever.
I watched Collin through the mirror as we brushed our teeth at the same time. His taking much more effort of course. He smiled at me as we conducted this nightly ritual and I caught my own full-body reflection, one I’d been avoiding for weeks now, but why? It was Bea’s reflection, and she was radiant. The pregnancy glow wasn’t a myth. The bump, for all of its faults in my mind, looked, well, rather cute in the mirror. And my skin was downright ethereal, as if this warmth was emanating outward from deep within me, within the child. I hadn’t really seen it before. Collin had always seemed to see it somehow.
I imagined Collin with the baby when they arrived. Their first moments together, father and child. I’d be watching them from the hospital bed, probably feeling absolutely horrendous, but Collin would look over at me and tell me I was beautiful. Look at our beautiful baby. Rocking back and forth. Coming together as three. A family of three.
I could see the whole thing.
And I wanted it.
Something normal, something nice.
Would I still be able to have it?
Collin thought there wouldn’t be other surprises.
Neither did I.
And yet...
•••
COLLIN’S ALARM WENToff the next morning at 7:25 a.m. We always woke up to his alarm; it was louder than hell, these aggravating, piercing chirps from his phone. He said a calming tone wouldn’t be able to rouse him from sleep so it had to be the violent kind that was bad for one’s cortisol levels so early in the morning. I loathed it but he never pressed snooze, which was the mark of a true keeper. Someone considerate toward their partner.
Collin looked very well rested, unlike me. He practically shot out of bed like a firework, ready to amble downstairs with a bounce in his step and pour us both a cup of coffee, the timer already set the night before. He really had no idea what was coming. I could scarcely believe it myself. I hadn’t slept a wink, my mind elsewhere.
I had stayed up all night, mentally practicing what I would say to him and how I would say it, specific words carefully chosen, annunciations planned at opportune moments. When I would cry, when I’d be strong, when I’d make eye contact, when I’d look away from him.So much rehearsal, lying completely still in my marital bed all night long, preparing to tell him the whole truth. I was going to share everything, but it still needed to be a show. I didn’t know any other way. Perhaps that’s who I always really was and so I was going to go out with a bang and finally do what scared me the most.
Not just for Collin, but for me. For Bea.
And I kept watch all night long.
Was she coming?
Collin’s phone rang before he left the bedroom.
If I was going to do it, I had to do it now.
It had to come from me, not from her.
It was the only way we could make it.
Bea and me.
“Babe, wait! I need to tell you something. It’s important.”
I reached out for him in a panic. I wasn’t ready at all, but I knew who was on the other end of the line. It had to be Gale Wallace-Leicester, released from Mother’s clutches because I failed to do her bidding.
No, I couldn’t go through with it in the end.
No, I couldn’t go to Mother, like I had always done before. I couldn’t be like her, not after all this time, after all this work. I would have to try to protect myself and my family, even with the looming possibility of losing everything. I was going to face what I had done in my life, all of it, and I hoped and prayed that Collin would still be on my side. He was my only chance. I didn’t want to start over again. I didn’t love him, but I chose Bea Case with my whole heart and now I loved her.
I hoped I could keep her.
I hoped Collin would want to keep both of us, too.
“Hold on a sec, babe,” Collin said, looking at the screen on hisphone. I couldn’t have stood up out of bed if I tried; I felt my whole body going limp, like I was melting. Dear God. I was going to be one of those women who gave birth in prison, wasn’t I? I felt ill, bile forming in my throat. I swallowed it back down.
