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NOTHING LOOKED GOODon me anymore, but I’d rather openly display the outrageous bulge that was my stomach, to prove that I was indeed with child, than float around Manhattan like a giant paradte balloon version of myself. I selected a formfitting off-the-shoulder dress for the baby shower. Appropriate for daytime. Floral print, hitting me just above the knee. Miraculously my calves were still enviable. Thank God. They seemed to be all I had left.
The sharp definition my face once possessed had been swallowed up by newly acquired buccal fat, my collarbones barely registered through my décolletage and my eyelids were getting puffier with each passing day. I could not wait for the baby to arrive so I could begin the long road back to my peak physical form.
I wondered what the baby would look like. I hoped it looked like me. It’s easier to be pretty in this world, I knew that much. I alsohoped the baby would be delightfully chubby. Everyone adores a big fat baby.Theirbuccal fat is celebrated!
I wondered about the baby’s personality. What would they be born with? What would they learn? Would I see myself in the baby? What did I even have to offer? My child was going to have a completely different life from mine. Would we ever be able to relate to each other? Would this baby, who would always belong to me, I was themother, would they ever know the real me if I never told them? Would they be able to sense it? Some primal biological force that would tell the child exactly who I was and where I came from? Wherewecame from? Could I hide it from them forever? I didn’t know.
Would Mother find the child one day? I couldn’t bear the thought.
Ah, that was it. There it was. That’s what I had to offer the baby.
I would keepheraway.
She’d always come back for me, for us, and I’d always be ready. Until she was gone for good. One day she’d really be gone. She couldn’t live forever.
And then, only then, I could breathe.
•••
HAVEN PLACED HERarms on my shoulders and shuffled me down the hallway toward the garden, taking full possession of the party and of me and thus the baby, a preview of what was likely to come. She went all out with decor. The florals were obscene, an abundance of peonies and ranunculus, some of them crafted into a full bough with greenery, affixed on a tasteful wooden arch, where a large white wingback chair awaited my enormous pregnant ass.
I perched upon the end of the cushion, shoulders rolled back and chin up, fully finding my light with a broad smile that everyone expected of me. The admiration from guests was near constant. It soonbecame a receiving line for hugs and belly rubs and warm wishes. All of them wanted to share tips with me about motherhood. They were all so giving with the information. They didn’t want anything in return. Just recognition that I had heard them. Never mind that most of them raised their children alongside an army of nannies. I supposed I would do the same, but my eye would always be more watchful. My one job.
Nora Wallace-Leicester arrived. It was her first public outing since Gale’s funeral about a month prior. She greeted me with an air-kiss, a gift and as much of a smile as a woman in her position could stand.
“Thank you for coming, Mrs.Wallace-Leicester.”
“I wouldn’t miss it. Congratulations,” she said robotically, unable to conceal her enduring grief. I wondered if Gale had told her mother anything about me. Were they close? Did they share secrets? I looked Nora in the eye, but she seemed to stare right past me, vacantly smiling. She just wanted to get out of the house. Find the new normal. Show face. Stiff upper lip and all that. At a baby shower. Nora would never have a grandchild; her legacy would not continue. It ended with Gale.
•••
COLLIN PRACTICALLY SKIPPEDdown the staircase to the garden, waving at me, his eyes aglow with all the love in the world for the mother of his unborn child. His meds were working overtime that day. I don’t think I’d ever seen him so happy. He had been so broken up about Gale’s death for weeks, but—even though he would never admit something so distasteful—I often thought he might have felt a small sense of relief that she was gone. That tension was gone. The security blanket he no longer required. He could finally be happy with me.
Haven hadn’t wanted a coed shower, such a thing wasn’t tradition, but I coerced her into letting Collin make a cameo at the event. I preferred having him very close to me ever since the fire because I knew Mother would still be watching. Her eyes would always be on me, on Collin and the baby. I didn’t know what action she would take next, or when. And Collin, bless him, could be an easy target. I’d always have to remain vigilant and protect our family’s den.
“Hello, sweetheart,” Collin whispered in my ear, giving me a kiss on the top of my head, and the women all applauded him on his successful implantation of his sperm into my egg. Collin, handsome enough but always a touch awkward, briefly bowed, almost like a curtsy. I had to laugh. He could be charming, and I definitely brought out the best in him. He was exactly the type of man that the girl I was always trying to be would want to marry. He’d never cheat on me. Never leave me. Never hurt me. Look at where we were. The baby shower of our first child. Hopefully our only—I didn’t want to go through the misery of pregnancy again, but I knew I wouldn’t be so lucky. Collin was one of three. He’d probably want three of his own. Oh my God. Would we have three fucking children?
Bea Case would, though, wouldn’t she?
I promised myself I wouldn’t hurt Collin again, even unknowingly. For him, but also for our child. That much I could do. I already knew the baby would prefer Daddy to me. I had a strong feeling about it, but it didn’t bother me at all because I wasn’t likeher. And I didn’t even have toloveCollin, at least not in the traditional sense, since I wasn’t sure that I ever could, but I could care for him in my own way. I could be the perfect wife. Simple. I’d make him believe I loved him and our family. I could be the star of this show, as always. He’d given me what I wanted so I would do the same for him. Fair is fair.
And more importantly, I’d provide safety for them in a different way. It was the trade-off now that Mother was lingering. I hadn’t heard from her since that night, but I knew it wasn’t the last of her. She would be back, prowling and plotting, so I would keep watch for the family, be on high alert and make sure she never infiltrated our lives again. It was a new purpose for me, including others as part of my motivation, but the rationale was one that I knew well. It was all I ever wanted. To be different from her, have her out of my life, even if my heart eternally hoped she would change, but I knew better. She would never, ever change.
And so it goes, but now it wasn’t just enough to be different from Mother.
I didn’t know if it was possible for me, but really, I wanted to be more like Syl.
•••
SYL BOUNDED INTOthe party, beaming from ear to ear, looking every part of the mother-to-be’s best gal pal. I had invited her to the shower in an effort to clear the air between us. A couple texts were exchanged to check in on Collin after what happened to Gale, checking in on how I was doing with my pregnancy. Surface-level interactions, but still, very sweet. I knew we had so much to say to each other, but would we actually do it now that we were face-to-face again?
“Hi,” she said, approaching my maternal throne. I struggled to get up and Syl took my hands to help me, hesitating before launching into the warmest hug, her own animal instincts on display. “You look beautiful.”
“Thirsty?” I asked, not knowing how to begin, if at all.
“Sure.” She nodded.
Syl took my hand and we strolled over to the table of refreshments, which were basically untouched due to everyone’s unhealthy obsession with their own bodies. In some ways, we’re all the same. Women. Always careful, always watching something, always for the good of the show. The show must always go on.
