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Instead, I closed my eyes, blinked away the tears and said, "It's for the best. You might not think so now, but some day you'll know I'm right. You'll meet someone amazing and have an incredible life with them. You won't remember me or that one night we had." It would become just another one night hook up in his distant past. In a year or two, he wouldn't remember my name, or why we had this conversation in the first place.
"Hayley," he said, his voice low and deep. "If this is what you really want, then I have no choice but to respect it. But do all three of us a favor and be absolutely sure it's what you want and what you need. And that it's what our baby needs. If you're going to shut me out of your lives, then you better be one hundred percent certain you're not making a mistake. Because one day, that kid is going to be eighteen and you might look back and think they've missed out on hanging out with their dorky rock star father, and you won't be able to take that back."
His eyes were wet. He looked like a man who was grieving someone he cared about deeply.
My heart shattered a little more.
He was right, that would be something I couldn't undo, but would I regret it? I might, but then I might not. Being as famous as he was, I could follow from a distance and know when he did meet someone and had a family. I knew when that happened, he'd be both deliriously happy and glad I hadn't held him back from that.
But what about our kid? What did they deserve? What did I deserve? Right now, I felt like I deserved to feel like shit. I'd made a mess of everything right from the start. If I could go back and do it all over again, would I? I felt like I should want to, but I didn't. If I did, the baby growing inside me wouldn't exist. In spite of everything, that was the one thing I didn't regret.
"I tell you what," he said, his spare hand on his thigh. The coffee in his other hand was probably cold by now. "Think about it on the flight. If it's still what you want when we arrive in Sydney, then we won't talk about it ever again."
I nodded silently. "Okay." I couldn't imagine changing my mind now.
He stood, but before he walked away he said, "I already met someone amazing. I will never meet anyone more incredible." He looked at me meaningfully, then walked away.
22
Axel
I flopped down in my aisle seat, beside Jude. He sat in the middle and Mel was on the window.
They both turned to look at me when I sighed heavily.
Keeping my voice low so the rest of the plane didn't hear, I said, "Hayley is pregnant."
Mel's mouth popped open. "I beg your pardon? Wait, that was her test?" She blinked a couple of times. "Wait is it yours?"
"Yes and yes," I said.
Several expressions crossed her face, excitement, confusion, then worry. "Why do you look so upset? I mean, I know you're not together, but it's kinda exciting. Right?" She looked at Jude. "Right?"
"Right," he agreed. He turned to me. "Mel is right, you look like someone kicked your puppy."
I fastened my seatbelt and rubbed the bridge of my nose.
"Okay, now I know something is wrong," Mel said. "You only do that when you're upset about something."
"Only do what?" I lowered my fingers, then realized that I was doing. "Oh, yeah." I placed my hands in my lap.
"Are you going to tell us or are we going to have to threaten to throw you out the window mid-flight?" Jude asked.
"What is there to tell?" I leaned my head against the back of the seat and closed my eyes. "She's pregnant and you said it yourself, we're not together. I think she wants to keep it that way."
I felt like I was stabbing myself in the heart with my own words. I ran the conversation through my head over and over, and thought about the things I shouldn't have said and the things I could have said better. I shouldn't have accused her of not knowing me very well. I should have kept my cool.
Should I have told her I was falling for her? Did any of that matter now? If she wanted me out of her life, then that was that. Could I stay out of the baby's life even though I said I would? That was a tough call. My son or daughter was growing inside her. She'd give birth and they'd keep growing. They'd start crawling and talking and walking and go to school some day. They'd learn to say Mommy but not Daddy.
Unless…
Unless Hayley met someone she wanted to raise our kids with. They might call him daddy instead.
I rubbed the bridge of my nose again. So what if it gave away how I was feeling? I might be the relaxed, chill dude on the outside, but on the inside I was unraveling.
"My goodness," Mel said softly. "She wants to keep you out of their life? She doesn't seem like the kind of woman who would do that. I mean, I don't know her very well, but it seems like she spends her life trying to make everyone happy."
Mel would know, that was the kind of woman she was too. She hated to upset anyone, which was why she didn't walk away from her ex until their wedding day. That and he had her convinced marrying him was a good idea. Jerk.
