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Coming from a small church town, like Olean, their opinions taught me: Strippers were live porn stars, bars and alcohol were a sin. And oh, don’t get me started on gambling. I chuckle to myself. I can hear my mother now; God rest her soul if she knew where I was working. But being out in the “real world,” as I call it, has opened my eyes to see that everything wasn’t what I’d been taught that it was. If circumstances had been different and I never left Olean, I would have ended up just like my mother. Now, I loved my mother, but she was very closed-minded and opinionated because of the values of the community in which she lived.
Yeah, she has turned over in her grave, as they say. Actually, my parents don’t have graves. Well, they do and they don’t. When they passed, I had their bodies cremated. I could not put them in the ground with tomb marker stating their alias names. It just didn’t seem right. Susie went back to Olean and confirmed that there are graves, with markers with all our names on them, but no bodies.
Hawk comes in just about every day that I’m working. I don’t know if this is normal for him before I started here, or if it is new. But he spends most of his time at the bar talking with me. He doesn’t even notice the strippers or the topless servers. Sometimes, I won’t see him for days and at first it really bothered me.
One night, Kandi noticed I kept watching for the door and she informed me that none of the Knights would be in because they were on a three-day run. And then, of course, because I did not know, she explained what a run was and about the “biker life.” She’s really cool and I enjoy working with her. For the first time in a very long time, I feel like I am somewhere I can call home.
Hawk finally gets back today and, as expected, he comes into the club to see me. But this time, he is different — perhaps reserved and standoffish. He says hello and then sits at the bar, orders his drink, and stares into his drink ever since I serve it. I keep asking him what’s wrong, and he just says “club business.”
Something isn’t right, but I do not know what it is. After about a couple of hours of trying to make conversation and receiving one-word answers, his phone rings. He answers it and then immediately says “Fuck!”
He drops a twenty on the table and leaves without another word.
For the rest of the night, all I can do is worry. Have I done something wrong? Has he lost interest? It’s probably nothing to do with me and everything to do with the club. Hawk does not seem like the guy that would lie, so I need to take his words at face value. When he says club stuff, he means club stuff.
I finish out the rest of the night, clean up the bar area, say my goodbyes to Callie, and head for the door.
When I am outside, to my surprise, Hawk is on his bike, parked right next to my car. “Hey,” I say as I walk to my car.
“Hey,” he replies, and I see we are back to one-word answers. But before I can say another word, he adds, “I’m sorry about earlier. Shit went down tonight with the club and I have realized some of my worst fears.”
“Oh no, what happened?” He looks devastated, as if someone has ripped his heart from his chest.
He takes a deep breath and says, “I can only tell you what’s common knowledge. Ace is dead. Satans got him. Ice went on a rampage and took down the guys that got Ace.”
“Oh Hawk, I am so sorry. Is there anything I can do?”
“We’ll be planning a funeral. Lots of brothers from all over will be here. The club old ladies sure could use the help, if you can.”
“Of course I can.” I hesitate for a minute and then ask, “So the club doesn’t have a president?”
“Ice is our new prez,” Hawk says with a smile. I’ve noticed that he and Ice are really close and I believe he is happy for him. But his smile quickly fades. “And I’m his VP.”
“Sounds like you don’t want it?”
“It’s not that, it’s just the club has always come first and now, that is more true. I won’t be able to spend time with you like I want, cause the club will always come first.” He rakes his fingers through his salt and pepper hair. “It’s not that I don’t love my club and my brothers, cause I do. It’s just more responsibility. I know I can do it, I am just not sure I want it.”
“Why wouldn’t you want it?” I ask.
He grabs my arms and pulls me close, turns me around and wraps his arms around me and whisper in my ear, “Because I would like to settle down and have a family of my own, with you.” His breath tickles my neck and his words shock me.
I spin in his arms. “You what?”
“You heard me.” He starts his bike. “Now get in your car. I’m gonna follow you home.
It’s not safe.” And just like that, he leaves me hanging.
I do as he says and head for home, Hawk right behind me.
When we get to my apartment, I decide he is being unfair. How dare he just blurt that out without even a warning. Hell, he hasn’t even taken me on a date yet.
Mad, I get out of my car and slam the door. I rush past my car toward him as he is cutting off his bike and dismounting. Pointing my finger at him I begin, “Listen here Hawk, if you think you can just drop a bomb like that without even taking me on a proper date, well, let me tell you a thing or two. You can’t just—”
Hawk quickly pulls me into his arms and kisses me hard and passionately. Everything in me fights him. I’m mad at him. But as his lips move over mine, my arms reach up around his neck and I kiss him back. My body melts into his, and I find I am clinging to him. Someone has not kissed me like this since Jamie. Hell, what am I saying?
Hawk breaks the kiss and breathless, says, “Invite me in?”
After a kiss like that, I want more than anything to invite him in. I want him and it is glorious to feel this way again. It has been so long. But, I am now scared. I’m still a virgin, staying loyal to Jamie all these years. At first, it was a vow, but then, it just became so easy to not get close to anyone, until now. I really like Hawk and I can see a future here. He’s a good man.
