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"You'd be an amazing mother," Ripley said. "You could get one of those things where you carry the baby around on your chest and bring them on tour. They could see the whole world before they turn one."
"Or I could get a desk job back home," I said. Sooner or later, I would have to stop traveling and settle down. It wasn't fair to drag a child everywhere. If there was a child.
"I'm sure you'll make the right choice," she said. She nodded over towards the drug store on the corner. "Lucky you can do them any time of day these days."
"You sound like you're speaking from experience," I observed.
She shrugged. "I had a scare a year or two ago. I learned a couple of things." After a moment she added, "It was negative. Luckily. I'm not ready for kids yet."
I nodded and headed into the drugstore, with her right behind me. Feeling like the eyes of everyone in the whole store were on me, I grabbed a pregnancy test and quickly paid for it. Grateful for deep, wide pockets, I shoved it inside and hurried back out the door.
"You don't waste any time," Ripley said teasingly gently.
I responded with a slight smile and a shrug. "I don't want to drag this out any more than I have to," I said. "Let's go back to the hotel."
It was going to be difficult to do this without other people around, but I'd try. The room I was sleeping in, I was sharing with four other women. Who knows when they might turn up?
"Okay." She shoved the last of the donut into her mouth and chewed while we walked.
"Thank you for doing this with me," I said. "Usually I do things for myself by myself. I hate asking for help." And I wouldn't have if she hadn't insisted.
"I guessed that about you," she said. "I'm the same. Honestly, I think a lot of people are. We raised to be independent and not bother other people. After a while, it becomes ingrained."
"It really does," I agreed. Most of the time, I would do anything to avoid asking for help. Right up until the moment I just couldn't do it anymore. Maybe she was right about me being a good mother. I could manage a lot by myself. I could do that too.
We reached the hotel and I didn't even have to ask her to guard the door. She just went ahead and did it. I made a mental note to tell her she was a good friend, and maybe buy her dinner one night, or something. I could have done this alone, but I was glad I didn't have to.
In the back of my mind, I would have loved to have Axel with me. I would have loved, more than anything for us to watch those lines appear together, wanting them to tell us we were having a baby.
Meanwhile, back in the real world, that wasn't happening. He wasn't here, because he didn't want to be here. As hard as that was to swallow, I had to accept it. It wasn’t like I was the first woman who ever went through this and I wasn't going to be the last.
I closed the door, opened the box and carefully read the instructions. Because of course I did. It wasn't anything to do with putting it off, no way. It was just that I needed to know how to do it right so I wouldn't mess it up. If I did that, I'd have to go back for another test and I would guarantee Strike, or one of the other guys would be there looking for a hangover cure or something. The last thing I needed in the world was to come under their scrutiny.
Also, I was the kind of person who always read the instructions from top to bottom.
I took at least sixteen and a half deep breaths before I did the test and set it aside.
After a few minutes, Ripley tapped on the door. "You good in there?"
Was I? That was a good question and I didn't know the answer. Right now, I was leaning towards no.
I stood as far away from the test as I could, keeping my eyes away from it.
"I can't look," I called back.
"Do you want me to look for you?" she asked.
"I don't know." I rubbed a hand over my forehead.
"Are you decent?" she asked. Without waiting for an answer, she opened the door and stepped inside.
"Lucky I'm not naked," I said dryly.
She waved a hand at me in dismissal and closed the door behind her. "Nothing I haven't seen before. Well, not you, but I’ve seen myself naked and that's practically the same thing."
"Um." There wasn't much more I could say to that.
"You want me to look?" she asked again. She cocked her head, sympathy on her face.
