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“Nope, get up! We are going out!”
“But you’ve been out for a week,” I state the obvious and note how tired he looks.
“I know, which is why I’m taking this opportunity to start my week with you off right.”
I get excited. “What are we going to do?”
“I was thinking mini golf? Then we can go to that new sushi place you’ve been wanting to try?”
“Yes, please!” I shout, hopping off the couch to change out of my pajamas.
We played three rounds of mini golf before Mack finally had enough of me beating him. Hole in ones are one of my secret talents. Mini golf for me is like how pool is for Miller. I always want to play, and no one ever wants to go with me. It’s not lost on me Mack will play even when he knows I’ll win.
As we get in the car to head to sushi, Mack’s phone rings. I instantly get a knot in the pit of my stomach, a bad feeling washing over me.
He answers and puts the phone to his ear. “Hey.” Silence. “Okay.” Mack responds to the voice I can’t hear coming through the phone. “Yeah, I’ll get on it, and call the guys…Yeah, I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Looking over at me he chews at the corner of his lip, setting his phone down with hesitancy. I look over at him without saying anything, waiting for an explanation for something I have a feeling I’m not going to like.
“I’m sorry, babe, that was our manager. I guess one of the bands on a tour up the East Coast had some emergency, and we’ve been asked to fill-in at the last minute…”
I already know the answer, but ask the question anyway. “And you’re going?” I manage to keep some of the frustration out of my voice, but it cracks and betrays me at the end.
“I know this sucks. I don’t want to leave you. To be honest, I never thought this would happen for my band. You know this isn’t the end game for me. But this is a huge opportunity for us to do a couple shows in new places, to get more ears on our music. The guys are going to be psyched.” He sighs. “Thisistheir dream. I don’t want to let them down.” He keeps explaining as if it’ll lessen the blow. “I know this is bad timing because I just got home. You know I’m doing this for us too though, right? This is the best way I can contribute to building our life right now. I want us to have more than an apartment off some street in Hollywood and be able to work toward our dream of going back home someday. This can help with that.”
Do I know that? He’s so genuine every time he speaks, and I know he truly believes he’s doing this as much for us as he is for himself and the band. But right now there hasn’t been a whole lot of us. “I know,” I whisper, looking down at my fingers twisted together in my lap. “It’s just that I’ve hardly seen you, and you just got back.” I hear the selfishness in my words as I say them.
He reaches over lightly caressing the side of my face, putting enough pressure to encourage me to look toward him. “Hey, I love you, Maci. This isn’t going to be forever. It’s just for now, it’s just a chapter, remember?”
“How do you know that? You guys are so good. People are noticing, like they should. You’re only going to be more in demand from now on. I know it’s selfish of me to say this, but I’m struggling with sharing you.”
“I’ll be home in a week. It’s only five shows. When I get back, we will reevaluate and devise a plan. We will figure this out, okay?”
I nod, and he leans in to kiss the side of my face before driving us to the sushi restaurant.
CHAPTER FIFTY-ONE
Ihaven’tseenMackin almost three weeks. The tour on the East Coast is going so well, they canceled the smaller shows that were scheduled on the West Coast for last week. The band that dropped out had to cancel more shows than expected, so this is a big opportunity for Where We Are. I’m not trying to sound unsupportive; I’m so proud of him. I'm just so lonely.
I’m worried if I talk to anyone else about this they will lecture me about how crazy following him to California was or how much of a mistake it was to make this big of a commitment so soon in our relationship. I got a lot of those kinds of comments when I came out here, except from Avery of course. And my parents, but I don’t want to bother them with this while they are traveling in Europe. It makes me more grateful for Lexy. I’ve been spending as much time as I can with her. She always answers when I call, and she’s been the only one I’m comfortable confiding in about Mack being gone and how it makes me feel. She really talked me down last week.
“It’s the way of life for musicians, Maci,” she said. “You need to trust Mack and believe this is what’s best for his career and for your future. You’ll get used to it, and it’ll get easier.”
Do I want to get used to it? I knew dating a musician would be different. I mean, I watch movies. I guess I didn’t fully comprehend the gravity of it. I’ve been trying to distract myself the best I can for now. I’ve read the entire stack of books that have been sitting on my nightstand since I pulled them out of my boxes on moving day. I came across Troy’s letter again too. I don’t know enough about him to judge whether my life could have been different in a good or a bad way, and I feel guilty thinking about it, but without Mack being here, it’s easy to let my mind wander. I remind myself of Lexy’s pep talk. This guy loves me so much, and I love him. He’s sacrificing time with me to give us a life together in the future, in the best way he can right now. Moving here was such a big step for our future, but since that first week, we haven’t really checked in or touched base on what’s going on with our lives. We haven’t had a lot of time to talk, or do anything else. I seem to be able to keep it together during the day, but as soon as I lie down in a dark room, on a bed I should be sharing with someone else, I’m consumed by loneliness and my ability to talk myself down disappears. I’ve cried myself to sleep more often than I like to admit.
It’s after one in the morning when he lies down next to me, the weight of his body causing the mattress to dip. I turn over to face him. He studies my face, and even in the dim light, I’m sure he can tell I’ve been crying.
His gaze catches mine, and he brushes his thumb over my cheek. “What’s wrong, baby?”
My voice cracks on the first word out of my mouth. “It’s not what I thought it would be.”
“What isn’t?” Concern and confusion wash over his face.
I take a deep breath, knowing I need to be honest with him. “I’m happy for you, Mack, that you get to live out one of your dreams. I know it makes you happy even if you don’t intend to do it forever. Maybe jealous isn’t the right word, but you get to travel and do something you love every day. It’s not how I thought it would be. I thought I’d move here and get to be part of that, part of your life. I thought I’d come here and everything would fall into place because we could physically be together, but I hardly see you more than I did before. I feel left out, like I’m living on the outside of your life. I love you so much, Mack, but I’m not happy anymore.”
I can practically see the wheels turning in his brain as he’s processing everything I’m saying to him. I’m sure it felt a little out of the blue, but at the same time, how has he not felt it? Maybe since he’s living the same life he was before with the added convenience of me already being here when he gets home, it's different. For me, nothing is the same anymore, and it’s starting to feel overwhelming.
“Mace, I’m sorry, I had no idea you felt that way. I love having you to come home to, and I miss you the whole time I’m away. What if you start coming with us for now? We have room on the bus for you. And we will be fine without the money you’ve been making at the café.”
