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“That’s not what this is about, Mack.” I sigh.
When he stares at me, waiting for me to continue, I do. “It’s not just about me not wanting to be a girl at home pining for her boyfriend. I can’t be that girl who only lives her life around someone, for someone. I know it’s partly on me that I need to figure out what I want to do, but I feel so lost. Avery, you, all my friends back home, you all have plans and goals and dreams. Then here I am, with no clue what I’m doing.”
Even though it’s dark in here, I can see his eyes well with tears, glistening in the street light coming through the window. He didn’t even get emotional the night everything happened with Avery. I know his feelings for me have only deepened in the last few months, like mine have for him. It’s why it’s been so hard to be away from him. I got a taste of what it’s like to have him in my life, and it feels like it’s being taken away. I’m not intentionally hurting him. I just can’t continue living this way.
He looks like he’s trying to collect his thoughts. “How can I help you, Mace? I have no idea how to make this better.”
“I don’t think you can. This isn’t about you. I need to find my thing, my place in the world, not just in yours. I just–”
He cuts me off before I can get another word out, the rage in his voice shooting through the air around us. “This isn't about me?!” He sits on the bed, running his hands up his face, all the way through his hair and locking them behind his neck. “Maci, you’re my girlfriend. We live together. You’re the person I want to spend my life with.” He takes a deep breath to try to calm himself, but the result is pain replacing the anger in his eyes. I’ve never seen him like this before. “I know you moved here for me, but that doesn’t mean I’m not in this relationship as much as you are. You can’t act like I’m not a part of this.” He’s trying to regulate his volume, but it’s still coming out like yelling. It’s overwhelming. This is the first fight we’ve had, and I don’t know how to handle it. My heart is racing, and I’m sitting now, trying to understand the scene in front of me. Before I can figure out what to say, he slides off the bed, his feet landing hard on the ground, and storms out of the room.
Mack came back to bed shortly after he stomped off. We both laid there in silence, closer to the edges of the bed rather than the middle, where we usually sleep wrapped up in each other. There was so much tension in the air I couldn’t fall asleep until sometime after three.
When I wake, the other side of the bed is empty. I reach for my phone to check the time. 10. I have a gut feeling Mack isn't home, which is confirmed when I see a sticky note on my nightstand.Going to the recording studio until our show tonight. Love you. -M
I sink back onto the bed with my arms folded over my eyes. I just want clarity. I’m frustrated. I’m confused. Partially I’m irritated with how much Mack freaked out last night because he’s usually good at communicating. He took it way too personally. This really isn’t about him, at least I don’t think it is. It was as if he was insecure or something, but I’ve never seen him like that before.
CHAPTER FIFTY-TWO
Lexy:I’m sooooo bored. The only people in this bar tonight are a bunch of college girls who are obsessed with your boyfriend’s stupid band. Come keep me company.I can hear her playful mocking tone in my head as I read.
I laugh before I sigh and close my book. Mack has only performed once since I’ve been here, and I had to work at the coffee shop that night. I don't feel like being around him until we can be alone and come up with a plan. But I haven’t seen Lexy in a few days, and Mack will be on stage, so it’s not like we will be hanging out anyway. He probably won’t even notice I’m there.
I change into a pair of jean shorts and a tank top, not bothering to text Lexy back. The bar where Mack’s band holds a residency is only a mile up the road–it’s why he chose this apartment–and I’ll be there before she has a chance to check her phone. I call an Uber because it’s too dark and late to walk, and I run out to meet it in the two minutes it takes to arrive.
Spotting Lexy’s bright blonde ponytail immediately, I head over to snag a seat at the bar. I find one on the corner by the ice well where I know Lexy will be the most, and hop up on the black leather covered stool. It also has a perfect view of the stage.
A group of girls celebrating a bachelorette party–the bride in a white sequin dress that looks more like lingerie and her friends dressed in equally scandalous hot pink dresses–squeal out orders to Lexy while I scan the room. She was not joking. This place is full of girls with glow in the dark penis necklaces, birthday and bride sashes, and groupie googly eyes. I guess I shouldn’t be one to talk because surely someone else would classify my eyes as googly if they caught them the moment I spot Mack with his guitar in his hands. Damn, he’s sexy up there. His deep brown hair has grown out a little, I don’t think he’s gotten it cut in the two months since I’ve been here. Sweat flings off the ends every time he shakes his head, and his image screams sex. I can’t remember the last time we had sex. I forgot how much I love watching him play. Despite being focused on what he’s playing, it's evident by the smile on his face how much he loves it, and I love that for him.
Finally, as the song is ending, Lexy catches a break from the swarm of girls, and hands me my go-to drink, which is whatever concoction she created for me on the day we met. I pop the cherry she's tossed on top in my mouth, then sarcastically ask her about all the fun she’s having. The next song starts, and my eyes wander back to the man none of these other girls get to take home tonight. Sometimes I wonder how I lived so many years close to him, and never stumbled upon the connection we have now. There’s no sense in wishing the past had been different though, there’s nothing I can do about it. What I’m struggling with is not knowing how to alter the present, which is something I do have control over. I like California well enough, and I really love Mack, regardless of how frustrated I am right now. I just wish I was certain about more than that.
The band plays for about 30 more minutes, and I help Lexy wipe off the bar top while she loads her dishwasher. As soon as the crowd starts to dissipate, I look toward the stage. I stand and head in Mack’s direction as he’s gently placing his guitar in its case. I decided being here but not talking to him would be a little too petty. We aren’t in college anymore. We are adults who live together, and I can’t expect him to act like that if I don’t.
I can smell the sweat and spilled alcohol as I push through all the people heading in the opposite direction. Mack jumps off the side of the stage. I’m pretty sure he saw I was here during the last song, and is coming to meet me in the middle.
My shoe sticks to something–God knows what–and I rub the soles against the cement flooring to get it off. When I look up, I freeze. I see Mack, but he’s no longer coming toward me. Instead, there’s a girl, who clearly was much quicker in getting to him than I was. She throws an arm around his neck and kisses him quickly and forcefully on the lips before pulling back.
Mack stands there, in a haze, which is the complete opposite of what I’m doing right now. I storm at him with enough intensity to definitely catch his attention this time. I stop right in front of them and shove her off Mack, harder than I intended, and she falls to the floor. I feel bad, but I don’t have time to deal with her.
“WHAT THE FUCK, MACK…are you kidding me?!” My gaze shifts from the girl on the floor to him. Panic rushes through me, as I stare into his bloodshot eyes that are so dilated I can hardly see any of the green in them. “....WAIT. ARE YOU HIGH?!” He stares back at me like he's unsure what to say. I don’t know how much time passes because it feels like it’s only been seconds, but it also feels like we’ve been standing here forever. Either way, he doesn’t make a move to say anything, so I turn on my heel and storm out the side door, letting it slam behind me. The cold night air stings my skin where the tears are streaming down my face. I pause for a second to take a deep breath and try to process what just happened. Then I hear his voice behind me.
“Babe. Baabyyy,” he whines, before a seriousness washes over his face, like he’s sobered in an instant. “Mace.” The deeper version of his voice pierces through me as I step backward. “I’m sorry, I messed up. I don’t know what got into me. It won’t happen again, I promise.”
“No. This is a big deal. I TOLD YOU. You know this. This is the one thing, Mack. I’m supposed to be able to count on you.” The bitterness in my words even rattles me.
“I know. I’m sorry. I fucked up.” He steps toward me, but I back up. He stops in his tracks before he continues. “I was upset about not knowing how to help you, how to help us. I love you so much, Maci. Let’s get out of here and go home and talk about this.”
I fall to the ground, my knees propping up my arms as I scream into my hands. He bends down and touches my shoulder. My words come out muffled through my hands. “Talking about this should have been the solution before drugs. You’re the one who told me I need to draw a line somewhere. I love you, Mack, but I can't do this. It doesn’t matter why you did it. I can’t forgive you for it. Please go.”
By the time I look up, Mack has been replaced by Lexy, who wraps her arms around me as I lean into her.
CHAPTER FIFTY-THREE
WhenIwake,ittakes me a moment to remember where I am. Realizing I’m at Lexy’s, all of last night comes flooding back to me. I sink into the couch, defeated. I’m upset and a little conflicted about my decision, but not enough to make me feel like I made the wrong one. I’m conflicted because even if something is right, that doesn’t mean it’s easy, and even if it was made in a split second, it was the hardest decision I’ve had to make. Maybe part of me was looking for a reason to change our situation, but I didn’t want this.
I’ve never been inside anyone else’s head before, so I could be the only one in the world who thinks this, but making bad decisions is about more than just a choice of whether or not to do it, “getting caught up in the moment” or peer pressure. It’s about making the first choice of putting yourself in certain situations where making the wrong choice is significantly more likely to happen. I think that's a lot of the reason some people cheat, or in situations like mine, do drugs, and why some people never will. Of course I believe love can be strong enough to conquer everything, blah blah blah. But I also think just because it's capable, doesn't mean it always will, or should. I know Mack loves me, I truly believe that. But love doesn't always win, and it sure as hell isn’t always enough. It is absolutely his fault. I’m not saying the guy has to be perfect. I’m not even saying he couldn’t question or wonder if one more night falling back into an old habit that could possibly provide him comfort in the moment is worth the potential risks. He’s human. I mean, it would be hypocritical for me to say he’s not allowed to think about his options and how they could play out. I’ve had “what if” moments in the past wondering what it would have been like if I went to Costa Rica with Dean and while reading Troy’s letter a few months back.
But it didn’t mean anything because I didn’t act on it. Mack did, knowing how strongly I feel about him doing drugs. If he was that upset from our conversation because he loves me that much, he should have come back to me for comfort and to figure it out. Plus,Iwas having a crisis, and he proved I can’t count on him to support me through it. We used to communicate so well, and he should know me enough by now to have faith we’d work through this. But as much as I love him and thought he was it for me, I don’t know if I can forgive him for turning to the last thing he should have instead of the first thing, for crumbling what should be the foundation of our relationship–trust and respect.
