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“I thought about it for a few days before shaking it off. I mean, our town isn’t exactly small, and I had no way to find you. Then you showed up at my work and started talking to me…Right away I knew it was you. God, Maci, it was like the Universe was giving me a second chance. It’s why I wasn’t completely honest when you asked me that night if I was seeing someone else. I didn’t want to risk missing out again. I couldn’t.”
Every time he makes an admission that erases my thoughts about him never feeling the same way I did, my heart reaches for him a little more. “Why didn’t you tell me you’d seen me before?”
“I almost mentioned it when I saw the picture of you and your friends in your apartment. I knew you were different than every girl I’d met, but I was still trying to convince myself you weren’t.”
I change the subject, feeling his guilt wash over him. I don’t want him to feel that emotion anymore. “I’d never done anything like that before, just randomly talk to a guy, let alone ask him out,” I admit.
“Why did you?”
“It was like I physically couldn’t stop myself from getting closer to you. Every time I was around you after that, it was like…it wasn’t enough. I don’t know how to describe it. It happened when I wasn’t around you too. I’d get a text from you, and I’d crave to be near you.” The next part comes out as a shy whisper. “It scared me. Especially because that didn’t seem to be how it was for you.”
He laughs like I’m being ridiculous as he twirls a strand of my hair around his finger. “When I wasn’t with you, it was easier to talk myself down. I fought it hard. You can ask Marcus. But being with you here, it’s even more than it was before. I want you near me all the time. It takes a lot for me to not be touching you every second. There’s something undeniable between us.” He says it with no uncertainty.
“More than just sex?”
“More than just really great sex.” He smiles again and pulls me to him.
CHAPTER SEVENTY-ONE
Deanisgivingasurfing lesson to a group of tourists today, so I came back to our place to wait for him. When he walks through the door, a pang of emotion hits me like I’ve missed him more than I can bear even though we were only apart for a few hours.
“Hey, babe,” he smiles as he wraps me in a hug, like he didn’t just see me a few hours ago. Even if he hasn’t brought it up, I can tell he’s been treating every moment like he’s thankful for each one. The fact he doesn’t take it for granted makes it easy to want to stay with him here forever. “I was thinking we could make a bonfire on the beach tonight?”
Once the fire is going, he tosses a few more pieces of wood on it, before going back into the house to grab me a blanket. I never changed out of my jean shorts and black bikini. I’ve practically lived in them since I got here, and it would be hard to talk me into anything else. I sit in the sand, hands folded over my bent knees while I wait for him. It’s beautiful here. Where we are staying there’s hardly any other houses, and because it’s more of a locals’ spot, if anyone else is around, it’s never too rowdy or loud.
We are in our own little world. The ocean in front of me is lit by the moon, and the waves crashing softly into the shore complete the perfect picture. How is it possible for a place like this to exist?
My thoughts are interrupted as Dean’s shadow falls over the sand, and he lays a blanket across my shoulders. Sitting, he wraps his arm around me, pulling me into him and kissing the side of my hair. The fire flickers in front of us, and even though I also have a blanket, chills cover me. There’s been a shift in the air around us. I noticed it the moment he sat down.
Silence stays between us for a few minutes before he speaks. “I could stay here forever if you were with me.”
The confession hits me straight in the heart. I try to process the word “forever,” and it nearly knocks the wind out of me. Since he started being upfront, I’ve noticed Dean doesn’t speak without choosing his words carefully. Everything he says, I can tell it’s calculated and intentional. My brain tries to find an escape route. “But Oregon is your home, aren’t you going back eventually?” I haven’t twisted my body to face him.
“This past year has been incredible for me. It was exactly what I needed. But it still always felt like it was missing something. I’m sorry I didn’t realize you were the final piece before, but I know you are now.”
I can’t help looking at him, his golden blond hair tousled like he’s been running his fingers through it and his brown eyes as dark as the shadows behind him. This is the first time I’ve noticed how much his tan has deepened in the past month since he’s been spending even more time out on the water now that I’m here. He stares back at me like what he’s about to say is obvious. “Kind of feels like wherever you are is home.”
I pull my eyes away from his and lean back into his chest. I pause first until I’m certain about what I want to say. “I wish we could stay here forever too.” My heart breaks as the words I mean more than anything I’ve ever said come out in a whisper. He stops breathing. I can feel the way he laid it out there, and in a second I stole his hope from him. I think I’ve known all along I couldn’t stay here. If I get in any deeper than this, I know I’ll stay, and I can’t. I have to do this for myself. I have to go off by myself and figure out who I want to be, discover who I am on my own, and not define my life by a relationship. Even if it’s a man who makes me feel the way Dean does. There’s so much I want to do and see alone, and more I need to learn before I can commit to someone, before it’s fair to choose.
We stayed on the beach by the fire until there was nothing left but embers without saying another word. Silence filled his house from the time we rinsed off in the shower until when we crawled into bed. We’re facing each other now, close enough to feel his body heat. One of his arms is wrapped around my waist, and the other is under his head like a pillow.
His shaky voice breaks through the silence, begging me. “Please, don’t leave me.”
“Dean, I have to. You know I do, just like you had to when you left me.” I don’t mean for it to sound spiteful because I’m not.
“It’s not the same this time, and you know it.” He comes off more angry and frustrated than I think he intended, his eyebrows scrunching together.
“That’s not fair. Please don’t make this harder than it already is.” I sigh.
His features soften. "I know. I'm sorry." His thumb brushes across my cheek before finding its place on my hip again.
Even with the lights off, I can see his face from the glow of the moon through the window. I keep my eyes on him, without wavering until my heart starts to hurt too much to keep them open.
Just go to sleep, Maci. Tomorrow is a new day. Everything feels less dramatic when it’s not the middle of the night. When daylight hits, he’ll understand. He has to. He knows what this feels like, but that was before these past few weeks. Is what he feels now really too different from what I felt when he left me?
I lie there for what feels like forever, my thoughts turning around in my brain, fighting a battle with my heart. I thought he was selfish for leaving me because I didn’t understand. Dean of all people should get why I need to do this, and it feels selfish he acts like he doesn’t. I wonder if he is still awake. How could he be sleeping? I refuse to open my eyes and check, but I wish we could talk this through, find some understanding, come up with a right plan I’m not sure exists. His hand leaves my hip and softly touches my face, tucking my hair behind my ear. He doesn’t say anything, and I get the impression he thinks I’m asleep. His hand hasn’t moved though, it just rests where it stopped, holding my head with his fingers threaded through my hair, like he’s worried I’ll float away.
With my eyes closed, I don’t see it coming.
