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“God, I love you.” It’s soft, and it sounds more like a prayer to change everything, rather than a statement. My heart reaches out for his, but I don’t move, knowing he doesn’t think I can hear him. But I did, and it takes all the willpower I have left to keep my heart from succeeding in its final attempt to change my mind. Despite my eyes being closed, a tear escapes, sliding down my cheek.
I love you too.
CHAPTER SEVENTY-TWO
ThedayafterImade my decision, everything was more or less the same as it had been. We didn’t talk about it; we didn’t feel like we needed to I guess. Maybe he realized he couldn’t change my mind at this point, and there was an unspoken understanding between us. We both tried to make the most of it. He took the day off work, but we surfed for a few hours in the morning. We ate tacos, and we made love.
Love. Ever since he said those three little words, I’ve been running them through my head. Each time I ask myself if I feel the same again, my mind replies with a resounding “yes.” Falling in love with Dean was inevitable from the moment I saw him on my 21st birthday. Something inside me knew it would happen. It’s what pulled me back to a complete stranger. With him, it was out of my control, like I had no choice in the matter, like our souls are magnetized whenever they get close enough. It feels different than it did with Mack. With Mack, it was a gradual thing, like our hearts slowly got closer and closer until I woke up one day realizing I loved him. It’s as if I got to go through the experience of falling in love with Mack, while my heart already knew how to love Dean from the beginning. It’s probably breaking some law of the Universe to love them both so much at the same time.
I do know I haven’t let go of Mack, despite him all but disappearing from my mind these past few weeks with Dean. Although less frequent, I still question whether leaving him the way I did was the right decision. I miss the comfort of him and the security of a future he was working to build for us. I miss all the little things he did because he knows me so well and feeling like being with him wasjust right. But then there’s Dean, and falling into the uncertainty of the future has been calming and freeing in its own way. It’s easy to love both of them. How do you choose?
I’m not sure. Maybe that’s the real reason why I decided to just choose myself.
It’s only six in the morning, exactly four weeks since I got here on New Year’s Eve. The sun starts to rise over the ocean as Dean swings the strap of my backpack over his shoulder, ready to walk me to the bus stop. We woke up tangled together but haven’t spoken a word since. Reaching for my hand, he intertwines our fingers, pausing to look down at them before he starts walking in the right direction.
We get to the bus stop with a few minutes to spare. Taking off my backpack, he loops the straps over my arms until they settle on my shoulders. His hands slide to either side of my face, gripping the back of my neck and pulling me into him. The moment our lips touch, hot tears burn my eyes. I taste them as he deepens our kiss.
After a moment, he pulls back, wrapping his arms around my neck and squeezing me into him. My eyes are pinched tight in an effort to trap my tears, but they open at the rattle of the bus as it arrives, the wheels kicking up a small cloud of dust as it screeches to a halt. Tugging back from him lightly is the only thing that makes him loosen his grip on me. Our eyes lock for a second before I walk away. He’s looking at me like he’s trying to memorize my face, in case he never sees it again, and it makes every step feel heavier. When I reach the door, I don’t look back the way I did when he pulled away from me a year ago. But this time it's because I’m worried he will still be standing there.
CHAPTER SEVENTY-THREE
Ididthecraziestthing I’ve ever done. Even though I told Dean I had a plan because I didn’t want him to worry, I didn’t. The day I decided I was leaving Costa Rica, I thought about where I wanted to go next. Avery and I had our list of places we dreamed about going, but nowhere in particular was pulling at my heart–maybe because it’s currently torn and trapped between two men.
Hoping for direction, a memory resurfaced–the date I had with Troy at the beginning of senior year. When I asked him where he’d want to travel, he thought it would be cool to show up at the airport one day and take the next available flight.
That’s exactly what I did. When the bus dropped me off, I headed to the ticket counter and asked for the next flight I could catch.
On my walk through the terminal, I pass by an airport convenience store, a spinning metal rack filled with books stationed at the opening.Eat, Pray, Lovesits at eye level, the colorful words drawing me in. How have I not read this book? Maybe because it was being saved for the right moment.
I pull my credit card from the inside pocket of my backpack. It’s hooked on my charm bracelet and I pull that out too. I took it off the night Dean was playing with it and haven’t worn it since.
I clasp it around my wrist while the cashier swipes my card. As I reach out to grab my receipt I notice a charm I’ve never seen before. I bring it closer to my face and run it through my fingers. It’s a silver surfboard and would blend in perfectly with the others to someone who didn’t have each one memorized.
Dean.
I snap back to reality when the cashier waves my card at me and take it before walking to my gate. I get there with ten minutes left until boarding begins, so I pull out my phone. I debate sending a text, but my curiosity gets the best of me.
Maci:Hi. Can I ask you something?
He replies immediately.
Marcus:What’s up, Maci!
Maci:It’s about Dean.
Marcus:I expected it to be. How was Costa Rica?
Maci:Sounds like you already know? Haha
Marcus:I’m not surprised.
Maci:Do you think Dean would have come looking for me when he got back?
Marcus:Yes.
Maci:You seem so sure.
Marcus:I am.
