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Marcus:Even if you hadn’t run into him first, it would have been inevitable for you to find each other again.
Maci:Marcus. Are you a secret romantic at heart? Haha
Marcus:Nah, just haven’t seen two people click the way you do.
Maci:Why didn’t you say anything? Especially after you saw me with Mack?
Marcus:It didn’t feel like my place to interfere. But like I said, I’m not surprised you two found each other again.
Maci:It feels like you’re implying we are soulmates or something?
Marcus:Aren’t you? I’ve known Dean my entire life, and I’ve never seen him like this with anyone else. He wouldn’t feel that way if you two weren’t connected.
I turn my phone off and zip it into my backpack as my boarding zone is called.
Finding my seat, I lean back into it, closing my eyes. What am I doing? Should I have stayed with Dean? If Maria had never suggested that beach, I wouldn’t have run into him, and I’d probably be on a flight back to Mack right now. What does it mean that Mack is the one responsible for introducing me to Maria? It’s strange to think about. I don’t know, and every cell in my body is filled with agitation. I originally wanted to go on this trip to focus on myself and decide the direction for my life. It's making me frustrated that I can’t seem to convince myself anything matters besides choosing between Dean and Mack.
I know it’s too much to ask, but I wish the answer would just appear. In an attempt to distract myself, I open my book. As I’m reading myself to sleep, I start to believe I don’t need to figure this out this second. I need to enjoy this trip. I need to take some “me time,” and when my soul is rested, maybe I’ll be ready for the answer. I keep reading until I drift off, dreaming only about the food in France, with neither Dean or Mack there eating it with me.
Half a day later, at 4 a.m. local time, I land in Paris, the city of love. I find it ironic this is where I ended up considering love is my main obstacle right now. I’m both excited and terrified to be here. I know I didn’t really have a plan once I left the sanctuary, but at least I had gotten to the point where I felt comfortable in the country. I had a direction to head in based on Maria’s suggestions, and then I ran into Dean before I needed to formulate a longer plan. Now I’m in a new country where my ability to speak the language is even worse. The scariest part, though, is that I’m alone.
Despite having spent two months with women and children who have been trafficked, I’m not concerned about traveling by myself. Between everything that experience taught me and the class I took in college, I’m confident I know how to be as safe as possible. Not to mention, after everything happened with Avery, I’ve been hyper aware of my surroundings.
What I’m worried about is being truly alone. It’s not something I have ever done before. All through high school, I had Avery and then into college too. Even though she had Miller, she was always there for me, and either she or the girls were around if I needed company. Getting serious with Miller also aligned with me spending time with Dean and then Mack. Once I moved to California, I had Lexy when Mack wasn’t around.
Now, it’s just me. All alone. By myself. With nothing familiar except the thoughts in my head. Why did I feel called to do this? What am I hoping to get out of it? Is clarity too much to ask for? But what exactly do I want to clarify? I keep telling myself I want there to be a magical moment around who I want to be and where I want my life to go from here.
When I get in my cab to head into the city, I send a quick text to my parents letting them know I made it. My phone rings immediately, surprising me. They are an hour ahead of me in Egypt, but it’s still early. We chat for a few minutes as they get ready to head out for their daily adventure. I’m still driving by the time I hang up, so I check the time difference in California. 8 p.m. That’s perfect timing before she heads into work.
Maci:Hey Lex, just checking in. I’m in Paris!
Lexy:What! That’s cool! Alone? Send me pics!
Maci:Yup, I left Dean yesterday…He said he loves me, and I freaked out and left.
Lexy:Oh wow. And he wanted you to stay?
Maci:Yeah, he did.
Lexy:You walked away from him when nothing was really wrong. Do you think that means anything?
Maci:I didn’t think of it like that. I think I was having a little trouble telling if real love and real life were the same thing. Like, we can’t stay on a beach in Costa Rica forever. So what happens when we leave? I feel like the only way to know which life I want is to step back and think about it.
Lexy:Yeah, that makes sense. Have you talked to Mack at all?
Maci:Not in a couple weeks. How’s he doing?
Lexy:Not great to be honest. He’s been playing new songs every time he’s at the bar. They aren’t great, Maci. I mean, of course they are amazing, and the guy still has the voice of an angel. But they are sad as fuck. It breaks my heart a little.
Maci:Ugh, I don’t want him to be sad. I never wanted this to hurt him.
Lexy:He’s miserable without you. The first show he played after you told him you ran into Dean he was a mess. I don’t think he’s had anything to drink…or worse. But he let some girl kiss him after the show. I happened to look up right when he did. It wasn’t more than a minute later he came and sat at the bar and basically collapsed in front of me. He said he thought it might help, but it made him miss you more.
Maci:I feel bad, like I haven’t considered his feelings at all the past few weeks. I got so wrapped up in Dean. I couldn’t think about anyone else when I was around him, not even Mack. And it’s messed up that hearing he kissed someone else makes my stomach turn when I did way more than that.
Lexy:I’m not trying to make you feel bad or pressure you into coming back just to be with him. I want whatever is best for both of you. He’s just my best friend too, and it’s hard to see him like this, ya know?
Maci:I know, I’m sorry. I’m thankful he has you.
