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“Figured I’d just wait you out,” he said as I climbed the steps and joined him, taking up much the same position he was in. “Seemed like you needed a minute to get your head on right.”
I let out a scoffing laugh before dropping my head and reaching around to rub at the tension that had taken up permanent residence in the back of my neck. “Appreciate it, but I’m still not sure it’s straight. Don’t know if it ever will be.”
“You’ll get there,” he offered. “Trust an old man who’s been around the block a time or two, yeah? Life’s thrown you a curveball, son. It’s up to you how you’re gonna handle it, but if you make the choice to do the best you can, you’ll get there.”
He couldn’t possibly understand how much I appreciated the words of wisdom and unshakable faith he had in me. I just wished I could believe in what he seemed to see in me.
Truth was, I was a fuck-up. No two ways about it. I’d been a fuck-up most of my life. I’d joined the Army in an effort to work that particular trait out from beneath my skin, but it was all for nothing. All I’d been doing since returning to civilian life was fucking up. The fact that I had a son I didn’t even know about for the first two years of his life was a shining example. Now the poor kid was stuck with a shitty father who didn’t have a goddamn clue what he was doing.
It was like no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t get it right.
It felt like the weight of the world was resting on my shoulders. “I don’t know how to be a father,” I admitted, the words burning like acid as they climbed up my throat and spilled past my lips. I wanted to do better for Cash, I truly did, but I didn’t know how.
“No one knows how to be a parent until they step into the shoes of one and walk a few painful miles.”
I looked up and over at the man. He and his wife had never had children of their own. Scooter was a biker, through and through, and had lived for exactly three things most of his life: the open road, his Harley, and the woman he went to sleep beside every night and woke up to every morning. You could see that road life had etched itself into the hard lines on his tanned face. It wasn’t exactly the easiest life, but for those with the ride in their blood, there was no other way.
“You think I had the first clue how to care for a six-year-old girl and a moody, sullen nineteen-year-old boy when they were dropped on my doorstep?” He shook his head, the silver in his long hair catching in the light from the bulb on the porch. “Hell no. Didn’t have any fuckin’ idea. Hell, if I’m bein’ honest, I still don’t. But when Caro’s sister up and abandoned her own flesh and blood, we didn’t have any other choice.”
I knew something about that, that was for damn sure. Cash had been dumped off by his own mother like a sack of dirty laundry.
“Scared the livin’ shit outta me, I’ll tell you. Trying to figure it out as I went. But we loved those kids. That was all we had to start with, but it was enough. The rest, we picked up along the way.”
“Why are you telling me this?” I asked. I’d known the man for years. I’d respected him just as long. He was like a father to Jensen, and the closest thing Shane and her brother Stone ever had to one. I was surprised to hear him speak so openly.
“’Cause I see a young man in front of me, struggling with the same damn things I battled back in the day.” He pushed to his full height, only a couple inches shorter than my six three. He wasn’t as big as I was, more wiry than bulky, but you’d be fooling yourself if you didn’t think the man had some power and knew how the hell to wield it. You didn’t live the life of a biker without getting into your fair share of bar fights, after all.
I followed suit, and he clapped me on the shoulder. “You haven’t realized it yet, but the fact you didn’t blink at takin’ that boy in, well, that right there is proof enough you aren’t a shitty father, far’s I’m concerned.”
I blinked, my eyeballs feeling gritty all of a sudden.
“You aren’t alone in this. It might feel like you’re barely treadin’ water right now, but you’re not gonna drown, son. You’ve got lifelines all over the place. Just don’t know it yet.”
With that, he turned and headed back inside the house, leaving the door open as I took a few seconds to catch the wind he’d knocked out of my lungs with his proclamation.
Christ, I’d needed to hear that.
I pulled in a few deep breaths, the chill in the night air stinging my lungs like pinpricks, before turning to follow the old man inside.
Caroline and Cash were standing at the kitchen counter that faced out into the living room. Cash stood on a stool, Caro at his back, helping him push a rolling pin back and forth.
Caroline noticed me first, smiling kindly as she tapped Cash on the shoulder. “Hey, little bit. Look who’s here.”
I noticed flour dusted my son’s cheek and the tip of his nose. My chest clenched at the sight of him, those familiar eyes, eyes I saw staring back at me in the mirror every goddamn day, hesitantly lighting up once he finally pulled his attention from his task to look up at me. That was something about Cash that had surprised the hell out of me and all my friends. I’d heard about the terrible twos, and honestly, I’d been terrified of what I was in store for.
Day after day, I’d waited for them to come, for the tantrums and disobedience and stubbornness. I’d read countless online articles about it, even had a nightmare or two. But it never came. My boy was mild-mannered as could be, and when he was learning something new, he was laser focused on it, his attentionrapt. But what stood out the most was how he seemed cautious in nearly everything he did, even in his reactions.
I could see his little body vibrate when he wanted to be excited about something, but instead of letting it fly like most toddlers his age would, he always looked to me, waiting for my go-ahead before reacting.
That couldn’t be normal, and every time he did it, I felt a spike in my blood pressure, because I knew it was learned behavior from Deanne—and possibly her parents. I didn’t have the first clue who they were or how they’d been with Cash, because even though I’d reached out, they never bothered to return my call. It appeared they were just as flighty and irresponsible as their daughter. I shouldn’t have been surprised.
I tamped down my rage at the maternal side of his bloodline and moved toward him, smiling so he knew it was all good.
“Daddy,” he said calmly, but with a smile. It had taken about a week, but the first time he called meDaddy, it felt like being struck by lightning. Every time after, I felt those little aftershocks. He didn’t have a very comprehensive vocabulary, which Shane assured me was totally normal, but that didn’t stop him from going off on a tangent every now and then. He’d be so excited about something that, once I gave him the all clear, he’d start talking—if you could call it that—so fast, I could only catch maybe one or two words before he had to stop to pull in a breath.
I didn’t have the first damn clue what he was saying in times like that, but I’d learned through trial and error that the best bet was to nod and say an enthusiastic “yeah” or “no way!” That always seemed to be the reaction he was going for.
I joined him at the counter, stopping right beside him and ruffling his hair. “Hey, bud. Whaddaya got going on over here?”
