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“Is that where you’ve been lately?” My voice is small, cracked, and broken. To have gotten everything wrong to such a terrible degree is debilitating. This is what he’s been dealing with while we’ve put time and energy into proving he’s the bad guy. I suddenly feel like the worst sort of person.
We thought the absolute worst of him. We had no faith.Ihad no faith.
“Yes.” His voice is tired, exhaustion washing over every inch of him as he forces the croaked words from his throat. His aura is a thunder cloud surrounding him, drenching him with drops of grief and misery. It draws me in with its pain, reaching for me as if begging for a savior. “If I had paid more attention before she left me, if I had loved her like I was supposed to…maybe this never would have happened.”
The pressure on my chest is intense, it’s hard to draw breaths, but I still manage to speak. To speakforhim. “Don’t do that. Don’t blame yourself.” It’s pitiful, the words I offer, but it’s all I have. I don’t know what to say to heal his pain or soothe his trauma. There’s no condolence meaningful enough in the world to take away the suffering brought on by losing a loved one, much less your own child.
“I didn’t want to burden you with all of this, you were already dealing with so much. So every time I saw you, I made sure to give in to the feelings and let them blind you to my thoughts. I took away the only sight you had left.” He bursts into full blown hysterics at that, his face and body crumpling into a ball of misery. “I couldn’t bear to risk losing you too. I know I’ve been harsh. I know, I know. I’ve just been so scared. I’m so sorry, Izzy. I’m so sorry.”
“Shit.” I stand, letting go of Nic’s hand, grabbing my chair and dragging it to Alan’s side of the desk. After sitting back down, I place a hand on his shoulder and push him until he’s facing me. “Shut up.”
Well, I never said I was good with words, did I?
He chokes on his next sob, but slows his hysterics just slightly. “Don’t you dare fucking apologize to me.” He chokes again, but I grab his shirt and shake him once. “I mean it, Nutter-Butter. I should be the one apologizing.” At that admission, I too begin to fall apart, streams of tears leaving my eyes as I try to swallow past the physical pain of holding back my own despair. “I lost my trust in you. I accused you of doing horrendous things!I’msorry, not you! Don’t you be sorry, don’t you do that!”
With that, I lose all my control and collapse into his chest, his arms immediately moving to wrap me in his fatherly embrace as I sob into his shirt. Waves of sorrow wash over us again and again, like the rolling tides of the ocean. They recede until we think they’re all but gone, until they come crashing back stronger than ever.
We cry together. We mourn together. And above all else, we heal just a little bit. Together.
I imagine this pain will be sticking around for a long while, but now that I have my Alan back, I know we’ll be okay. Between him and the guys, it’s like my entire world has been shifted into place after years of being off center.
I don’t know how long we sit together, but it doesn’t matter.
Time is meaningless when you’re right where you’re supposed to be.
This is probably the first glimpse the guys have ever gotten of just how close Alan and I truly are. We’ve never been the type to show affection, or be upfront about our feelings. But what they don’t know is that we’re far more than just adopted father and daughter. He’s my hero. He was there to pick me up after the worst night of my life and put me on my feet. He was the one to give me a purpose and a reason to keep fighting.
He’s the only reason I didn’t give up when that’s all I wanted to do.
And maybe it’s far past due time to tell him what he means to me.
“I love you, Alan. I need you to know that. I need you to know how much you mean to me. No matter what, you’re the best damn dad I know, okay? None of this is your fault. None of it. You’ll always have me.” Maybe what I’m saying is complete nonsense, and doesn’t make any sort of sense at all. Maybe they’re the wrong things to say. Maybe I’m out of place.
But for whatever reason, I feel the need to say them anyways. Like he needs to hear it.
“Oh, Izzy. I love you too, my girl. I love you too.” He presses a gentle kiss to my head before sniffling. His aura starts to lighten, not completely, but just a little. As if something inside of him has started to stitch back together, but he’s still got a long way to go.
“So…which one of you exactly is trying to court my daughter?” I choke out a laugh at his change in subject as I let go of him and lean back in my own seat, pulling off my sunglasses to wipe at my face.
“Uh…” Kai stammers.
“Well…” Nic hesitates.
“All of us.” Ezra helpfully rats them all out.
“Riiiight. And you’re okay with that?” I don’t know if he’s asking me or them, but it doesn’t matter, the answer is the same.
“Well you know what they say, right?” I state with deadly seriousness as I slide my sunglasses back over my eyes. “Men are like Pokémon…gotta catch ’em all!”
“Try it and you’ll end up chained to my bed,” Kai all but chastises.
“¡Por el amor de dios!” Nic mumbles to the ceiling as if begging for God to save him.
“Good one,” Ezra…chuckles!
Well, I wasn’t expecting that.
“If you’re happy, then…I suppose I don’t have much to say on the matter.” Alan sighs like I just added another reason for him to stress about me. “But know this: if any of you hurt her, I’ve been doing this job long enough to know how to get away with murder.”
