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“You okay?” Alex reaches for my hand and squeezes it three times.
Turning to look at him, I can’t contain my smile. “I’m great.” I squeeze his hand back.
Several minutes pass when Alex drives the truck off road and parks at a lookout area that gives the most breathtaking view of an ongoing prairie and rolling hills.
“Where are we?” I ask.
“Found it four-wheeling one day. It’s a great place to view wildlife. Just far enough from the road, so they don’t get spooked. Sunset is the best time to come up here.”
I check the clock and see it’s at least another two hours till then.
“It’s so peaceful,” I say, sinking into my seat as I stare out at the vastness. “Makes me think about how busy city life is, speeding along, always having somewhere to go. There’s no time to stop and take in the fresh air and just breathe. So much is taken for granted rushing through it.”
“I couldn’t agree more.”
We sit in silence, and it’s not even awkward anymore. Being comfortable with Alex has never been an issue, but the sexual tension in the air is always lurking between us. Not that it isn’t now, but both knowing that we’re taking things slowly takes away that pressure.
“A deer,” Alex whispers, pointing to the right.
“Wow.” I smile. “The only deer I’ve seen in Milwaukee were on the side of the highway.”
“That’s morbid.” He laughs. “What about where you grew up?”
“Eagle River,” I say. “I lived in town, so I never saw any close up like this.”
“Weird,” he murmurs.
“What?”
“That some people don’t see wildlife like this. There’s turkeys ’round here sometimes too.”
“Well, there’s petting zoos, but I don’t know if you can really call that wildlife anymore.”
“Yeah, don’t get me started on those.”
I chuckle.
“Told you. It’s a different world down here.” The closest town barely has a population of two thousand people. There’s a church, grocery store, Dollar General, small health clinic, feed mill, gas station, diner, and school. Everyone knows everyone, and the old ladies who sing at church run the rumor mill. It’s absolutely nothing like home, which terrifies yet comforts me. It’s the ultimate fresh start.
He turns his body and faces me, reaching for my hand again. “Do you think you’ll miss it?”
“Wisconsin?”
“Yeah. Where you grew up. Your home? I don’t want you to resent moving here for me even though I’m really, really happy you’re here.” He flashes a small smile.
I contemplate how to answer. “Well, there is something about city life. It’s definitely not for everyone, but it’s exciting. It’s always busy, something to do, and someone to talk to. There are touristy parts of Milwaukee, but not where I worked and lived. I guess if I wasn’t used to it, I’d hate it. I moved there for college first from a small, boring town, so the city life was exciting at first. However, it’s hard to compare to a place like Texas.”
“That’s because Texas fuckin’ rocks.” He smirks.
“I made a lot of great memories there, but I know I’ll make great ones here, too.”
“Good, I hope so.” He brings my hand to his lips and places a soft kiss. “I’d really like that, too.”
“Can I tell you a secret?” I ask, swallowing hard at what I’m about to admit.
“You can tell me anything.”
It takes me a moment to collect my thoughts, but I know I’ll feel better once I get this off my chest.
“I know I’ve told you about my sister, Rylie, and how having a baby scares me because of the what-ifs and complications than can arise.”
He nods, keeping his eyes planted on mine.
“On top of those fears, I’m terrified I’ll be one of those parents with no maternal instincts. I know my mom did the best she could, given the circumstances, but between my dad’s distant attitude and their divorce, I didn’t have the best example. I know the basics of parenting, but that’s all textbook stuff. I love working with kids and helping them through their illnesses, but in an effort to avoid getting too attached, I’ve always blocked a part of that getting too close connection out of my brain. It’s like they drill it into your head in nursing school. Learn the facts, don’t get too close, do what you need to do to diagnose and treat your patient. It’s why so many of our doctors are great. They keep a healthy distance because if you got emotionally invested in every child you lost, you’d be an emotional wreck.”
I finally take a breath, letting Alex catch up on my rambling. He’s listening so intently, which I absolutely adore about him, but now I’m afraid I’ve scared him.
“I’m an emotional dud,” I add.
“You are not,” he finally says. “Keeping an emotional distance so you can do your job right and loving your child are going to be two completely different things.”
