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So…is there anything you want to tell me? I happened to see your Facebook photos the other day. You don’t need to spill if you don’t want to, but I’m curious. Who’s that guy?
Talk to you soon.
xo,
Archie
I read what I wrote back to him.
Hi Archie,
Wow. Not returning to Ford was a big decision. I’m proud of you for making it, even though I know that must have been hard. You’re the best son to your mom. She’ll be so happy to have you around, even if she tries to convince you she doesn’t need you there.
I’m so glad you’re seeing a therapist. It can never hurt. And I totally understand what you mean about the relief part of your dad not being around. It’s completely possible to love someone and also be relieved that certain parts of them aren’t here anymore. Your relationship with your dad was complicated. Just because someone isn’t around doesn’t erase the pain they caused. I feel like wherever your dad is right now, he sees things differently. He sees his mistakes. He sees you for who you are—not who he wants you to be. He appreciates you taking care of your mom. He’s proud of you. Just like I am.
Okay…so I guess I have to explain the last thing you pointed out. His name is Shane. We’ve been dating now for a little over a month. I guess you could say he’s my boyfriend. He treats me really well, and we have a good time together. I was going to tell you about him. But I suppose those photos he tagged me in beat me to it.
What about you? I know you don’t have a lot of time, but are you seeing anyone?
xo,
Noelle
I remember adding that last part like it was yesterday, the courage it took to ask the question when I really didn’t want the answer. I’d been happy with Shane at the time, but things had still been new; and I’d still been very much in love with Archie. I’d felt raw as ever when I wrote that email.
And it had taken him a full week to write back. That had been a terribly long wait.
Noelle,
Thank you for your kind words about my dad. You actually made me tear up. That’s pretty fucked up, considering I haven’t cried this entire time. But the thought of him seeing things differently now is a comforting one, a different perspective. That’s why I love you. You make me see things in a different light.
Okay. Wow. Boyfriend. Well…I’m glad he’s treating you right. Make no mistake, if he ever doesn’t, I don’t care what I have going on out here, I will get someone to stay with Mom and will be on the next plane to Boston to kick his ass. I mean it. LOL. Does he know about me? About our friendship? (Hopefully nothing “else?”)
It’s funny you asked whether I was seeing someone. I hadn’t been until a few weeks ago. Things are a lot different for me now that I’m spending more time with Mom and no longer the “big man on campus” at Ford. But I did go out to a bar with my high school buddy Marcus one night and met a girl. Her name is Fallon. She’s cool, and we’ve hung out a couple of times. It’s still new.
Write me again soon, okay?
xo,
Archie
That email had been a lot. I’d analyzed the sentence, That’s why I love you, endlessly. Archie had never used the word love toward me before. And he’d never used it since. It wasn’t romantic love he meant when he wrote those words, and maybe he’d just meant it in a casual way—like when people say “gotta love her.”
I remembered my angst at learning he was dating someone new. He’d ended up dating Fallon for over a year. Even though I was supposedly happy with my new boyfriend at the time, the jealousy had hit me like a ton of bricks. She got to pick up where he and I had left off.
Where we’d left off.
It was always a strange feeling, like a pause button had been pressed on that summer with Archie. A part of my heart was still stuck there in that moment before we got the call about his dad. In a way, my heart might always be stuck there in that bedroom on Whaite’s Island.
The next email I’d saved was the hardest to reread. My response to it might have been the biggest mistake of my life.
Noelle,
I made a decision today. I’m going to culinary school. It’s what I’ve always wanted to do, so fuck it. Nothing in my life has ever gone to plan, so what does it matter if I fail at this? At least I’ll enjoy the process. So, that’s that. I’ll keep you posted.
