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“You know I’ll always support you, Noelle,” I told her. “I just feel protective when it comes to you. That’s all this is about. It’s not judgment, only protectiveness.”
“Well, you have a daughter to protect now. You don’t need to protect me.”
Ouch. I shut my eyes. “You don’t need me, but I’ll always want to protect you. Nothing will ever change that.” Pulling on my hair, I paced. “When is this supposed to happen?”
“Well, I haven’t…” She hesitated.
My body stilled. “You haven’t what?”
“I haven’t been able to settle on a donor. I don’t know why the decision is so difficult for me. It just seems so…big.”
Maybe it’s difficult because it’s not meant to be. I took a deep breath. “I have a favor to ask.”
“What?”
“Don’t make any decisions until I come out there. I’m planning a visit soon—in the next couple of weeks, if that works for you. Maybe I can go through the choices with you and help you decide.”
“Wait… You’re coming here?”
“I’d like to.” I chuckled. “Is that good news or bad?”
She laughed. “It’s very good news. I never thought you’d be able to.”
“I’ve been meaning to come see you for a while. I need to get away from the grind. The last trip I took was my goddamn honeymoon. All these years you’ve been the one to come visit me because of various shit going on in my life. It’s about damn time I return the favor.” I sighed. “You don’t have to go out of town for work, do you?”
“I’ve been doing more in-house production stuff lately. I haven’t field produced or traveled in a while. So I’ll be here.”
“Alright.” I resumed pacing. “I’m serious about this. I’ll look into flights tonight, and I’ll email you the dates. Text me your address again. I’ll book a room near your place.”
“You don’t need to do that,” she insisted. “You can stay here.”
“Your apartment is small, from what you told me, and I’m not sure your boyfriend would appreciate me staying there, either. Don’t want to cause trouble, you know?”
“Whatever you prefer. Just know that you’re welcome.”
“Thanks.”
After we finished our call, I pulled up flights and booked my ticket.
• • •
The following Thursday, my daughter watched eagerly as I packed my clothing into the suitcase. I had an early flight to New York City tomorrow morning. I’d be dropping Clancy off at Mariah’s after she and I had dinner together tonight.
She bounced on my bed. “Daddy, when are you coming back?”
“Monday. I’ll only be gone for a few days. I wouldn’t be able to go longer than that without seeing you.”
“Why are you going to New York again?”
“To visit an old friend, someone who’s very important to me. You met her once, but you were too young to remember.”
Her eyes were like saucers. “What’s her name?”
“Her name is Noelle.”
“What’s her last name?”
“Benedict.”
“Like eggs benedict? What you order from the diner?”
“Yup.” I laughed. “Just like that.”
“Where do you know her from?”
“Remember we were watching that movie once and I pointed out that big house by the water and said it looked like the one Nana Nora and my dad used to own on the island in Maine?”
She nodded. “Yup.”
“Noelle was there, too. And we became really good friends one summer. Even though our lives took us in different directions, we’ve always stayed friends. And it’s been a long time since I’ve seen her.”
“You miss her?”
I chuckled. “I do.”
Looking down at my daughter’s sweet face, a heavy feeling settled in my chest. I thought about what Noelle would miss if she never had a child of her own. My daughter meant more to me than anything in the world. Even though she’d been unplanned, I couldn’t imagine life without her now. Noelle deserved to experience what I’d been gifted with. I shouldn’t have questioned her decision to make that happen, especially since I couldn’t relate to her feeling that she was running out of time and might not be able to have something she’d dreamed of. Having a child wasn’t something I’d known I wanted until it happened to me.
Over the last few days, I’d tried to dig further into what was really bothering me about Noelle’s choice to use a sperm donor. I’d asked for guidance from above—which I almost never did—on how to handle this feeling of urgency inside me. But I was still waiting for that much-needed clarity.
My daughter interrupted my thoughts. “Is Noelle pretty?”
“She’s very pretty.”
“Pretty like Mommy?”
I smiled. “Yes. Just like Mommy.” Except prettier. I ruffled her hair. “But you know what?”
“What?”
“It’s more important to be beautiful inside than outside. You know that, right?”
She nodded.
Noelle was definitely that, too.
The past several years had been one big blur since my dad died. Between the shock of that, my mother’s illness, switching career paths, the surprise pregnancy, getting married, becoming a father, I hadn’t fully grasped what I’d lost when it came to Noelle Benedict. I’d blocked out the questions about what might have happened between us if things were different. Almost every decision I’d made until now was because I felt I had no choice. My life had been ruled by obligation, not by my own wants and needs. If it were a matter of what I wanted, I would’ve chosen Noelle a long time ago.
