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It felt like the room was swaying.
When I didn’t say anything, he continued. “Time was never on our side. I know it’s too late for me to change the past. Even if you weren’t currently with someone, I still don’t think I’d be the right man for you. And I would never make a promise to you I couldn’t keep.”
My head spun. “I’m not sure where you’re going with this…”
“It’s always been hard for me to figure out where we fit into each other’s lives. You’re my friend, but you’re so much more.” He reached for his wine and took a long sip, as if he really needed it to continue. “I want the absolute best for you. And you should be creating a life with someone who cares about you. Who respects you. Someone who knows how amazing you are. And someone who will have your back and your child’s back if, God forbid, anything were ever to happen to you. You and I, we don’t have big families…”
Now I was really confused. “What are you saying, Archie?”
“I’m saying just because you can do this alone doesn’t mean you should have to. I don’t think you should have a baby with an absolute stranger.” The room went silent. “I think you should have a baby with me.”
What? My mouth fell open. The shock was so profound that I could hardly form a sentence. “With you…”
“Yes.” His eyes burned into mine. “And before you think that I’ve lost my mind, I’ve been thinking about this from almost the moment you told me your plans. I know what I’m doing, Noelle. I was never great at anything besides, well…maybe cooking and drawing, before my daughter came along. I might’ve been a shitty son according to my dad and a shitty husband according to Mariah, but I think I’m a damn good father. I wouldn’t mind having another child. Moreover, I would love to have one with you, to share that experience with you.” He paused. “I could be as involved—or uninvolved—as you’d want me to be.”
I shook my head. “I’m sorry. I’m just…confused. I don’t even understand how you think this could logistically work. There are so many reasons it couldn’t.”
“I actually can’t think of one.” He shook his head. “Not a single one.”
The passion in his eyes was palpable. He seemed so confident and determined. Is he insane? “How would this even…happen?” I asked. “What are your expectations here?”
“I’d give a sperm sample. You know, just like your donor would’ve.” Archie’s face reddened as he held his palms out. “I should’ve clarified… I wasn’t insinuating that we do it the old-fashioned way. I’m guessing your boyfriend wouldn’t go for that.”
“But you live in California…”
“I do.”
I just looked at him, unable to process.
“Here’s what I propose.” Archie straightened his posture. “You said most of your work is online these days—writing copy and digital editing?”
“Uh-huh,” I said, staring blankly at the wall.
“You could do it anywhere? Would they let you?”
Still in a daze, I muttered, “Probably. I don’t know. Maybe.”
“What if you came out to Cali for a while? Only temporarily. We could find a fertility doctor out there, try to make it happen. And then whatever you wanted after that would be cool. You could go back to New York or—”
“You make it sound like a business transaction.” I finally looked at him again.
“It can be whatever you want it to be.”
I stood and paced for a minute. He hadn’t thought this through. “Suppose this did happen.” I turned to face him. “I conceived your baby. You wouldn’t want to live apart from your child. I know you. It would mean me having to relocate. I don’t know if I’m ready for that. Not to mention, I have a boyfriend here.” I resumed pacing. “So it wouldn’t work, Archie. I really appreciate it, but—”
Archie got up and put his hands on my shoulders to stop me from moving. A shiver ran down my spine. “Look at me,” he said as he lifted my chin to meet his eyes. “You have my word, Noelle, that I will never pressure you to live anywhere you don’t want to live. We could draw up whatever legal papers you need. If you decided to move back to New York, that would be okay. I’ll deal. You’d be the primary caregiver. This would be your child. But at least he or she would know their dad, even if I lived far away.”
Once again, I noticed the intensity in his eyes. Archie was dead serious. Oh my God. He’s serious. That scared the absolute shit out of me. I took a step back. “This sounds very complicated, as much as you’re trying to simplify it. I can’t imagine why you would want to do this.”
“You can’t imagine why I would want to have a child with you? Noelle, you’re such an important part of my life. Why wouldn’t I want to do this for you?”
