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Her eyes bulged. “Oh… So something did happen when we weren’t together?”
Boy, I really fucked myself with that wording. “I didn’t say that.”
“Yeah, you sort of did.”
This wasn’t any of her business anymore. “Okay, Mariah. Nice conversation, but I’m going to exit it at this point.”
“Whatever.” She laughed.
As I walked to my car, I wracked my brain to figure out who Noelle could have been talking to. Moreover, why the hell was she crying? She hadn’t seemed that upset when she shared the news about the negative test. And she’d been in decent spirits when she told me she was going to New York. But clearly, she was hiding something.
CHAPTER 27
NOELLE
JASON AND I stood at opposite ends of my apartment. He’d arrived looking morose, which told me he likely sensed what was coming.
I’d decided to come out to New York after a heated phone call where I admitted some of the things I resented about him. I’d been feeling hormonal and depressed after the negative test, and it all just came out. Then I’d felt guilty and realized I needed to have this conversation in person.
His head had been down, but he finally looked up at me. “You said you came home because we need to talk. I have to admit, I’ve been dreading it.”
I walked over and put my hand on his arm. “Jason, I know you care about me. You’ve demonstrated that in so many ways.” My breath trembled. “But I don’t think we’re the right long-term partners for each other. There’s so much I love about you, but we’re not at a place where we have the same priorities, want the same things. And that’s okay. It’s not your fault. You want to travel and not be tied down, and you’ve earned that. But once I have this baby—and I will have this baby—my life will change dramatically.”
Jason ground his teeth. “I think you have grossly underestimated my feelings for you, Noelle. If you think trips around the world mean more to me than you...” He shook his head. “I mean, you’re standing here telling me all the things you think I want. Have you even asked me, you know, how I actually feel?”
“How do you feel?”
“For one, I think you have some unresolved feelings for this man you’re purporting is nothing more than your sperm donor. More than anything, I think that’s what’s influencing this conversation, whether you realize it or not.” He looked into my eyes. “You’re not even denying it.”
I owed him honesty. “No, I’m not denying it. My feelings for Archie are complicated. But they are most certainly not what’s influencing this conversation. Aside from any feelings I might have for Archie, you and I are not compatible.”
“To be clear… You’re breaking up with me?” He stared at the ceiling. “You need to just say it and stop this torture.”
“I’m saying I need time to be alone and not have a boyfriend, yes. I’m reluctant to tell you I want to totally end things, because I care so much about you. I always will. But it’s not fair to string you along. Breaking up is the best thing for both of us right now. I need to focus a hundred percent on me and not worry about what I’m keeping someone else from doing in the process.”
He scrubbed his hand over his face. “Would things be different if I had offered to father your baby?”
I had to think about that. The Archie situation would’ve never come into play, so I suppose things might’ve been different. But that was a moot point now.
I shrugged. “I couldn’t help but read between the lines, Jason. Your decision to have me do this on my own spoke volumes about your commitment to me, whether you meant it to or not. But you have every right to feel the way you do. You’ve already raised your kids and owe me nothing.”
His forehead crinkled. “Once again, you’re putting words in my mouth. I am committed to you.”
“I’m sorry, but I don’t see it that way. I feel like you want to have your cake and eat it, too—have fun with me, but not be involved in all aspects of my life. I need more, a true partner. Maybe I should’ve thought about these things before I got involved with you. But you were very charming…captivating. Moreover, you’re a good man. I want what’s best for you, and part of this decision is that I don’t think I’m what’s best for you.”
Jason looked away. It almost seemed like he was going to cry. That broke my heart, even if it didn’t change anything for me. He held his hands up, his eyes glistening. “What am I supposed to say? Breaking up is not what I want. You’re right that I’ve made a decision about not wanting to be a father again. If you can’t get past that in terms of what it means about my feelings for you, there’s probably nothing I can do to change your mind. But if there’s anything I can do to change it, please let me know.” He fell silent a moment. “Otherwise, I’ve never been one to beg, Noelle.”
