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We stared at each other.
“I’m sorry it took me so long to come to this conclusion,” I said. “But my experience in California has taught me a lot about what I need right now. Even though I could have this baby on my own and be perfectly fine forever, when and if I find the right man, I want him to want my child in his life. Because my kid deserves that.”
“Okay,” he muttered, staring down at the floor.
After a minute, Jason grabbed his keys and headed for the door. “I’m really sorry.”
My voice shook. “Me, too, Jason.” I wanted to hug him, but that would’ve only made things worse.
He turned around one last time. “I can’t believe this,” he said before storming off.
After the door closed behind him, I sat in silence for a time, feeling a mix of relief and sorrow. Something had finally clicked inside me after that last negative pregnancy test. I remembered just wanting someone to hold me; I knew Archie would’ve been there if he could, and that made me think. My boyfriend was choosing not to be a part of my journey, and he was supposed to be the one by my side, not Archie.
Sitting alone in my living room, I couldn’t take it anymore. It was still fairly early on the West Coast, so I decided to call Archie and tell him what had happened. I’d spare myself from having to recap everything when I got back to California.
“Hey, Noelle,” he answered.
“Hi. Are you working?”
“Actually, no, I’m off tonight. I put in for a switch in my schedule after this past crazy week.”
“Do you have time to talk, or are you with Clancy?”
“I’m alone.” He paused. “Something’s going on with you.”
“Why do you say that?”
“The other day, Mariah went by my mom’s house to pick up something out of the garage, and she told me she saw you sitting on the front steps with your phone. She said you were crying. It was a couple of days before you left for New York, and I know that wasn’t me you were crying to.”
“I broke up with Jason,” I admitted.
There was a long moment of silence.
“What?” he breathed. “Did you know you were going to do that before you left?”
“Not exactly. I knew we needed to talk, and I told myself I would base my decision on how I felt once he was in front of me, but I suspected it was going to end up this way.”
I told Archie what I’d told Jason and explained my reasoning.
“Well, I definitely wasn’t expecting this,” he said when I finished.
“I know. I have mixed feelings. Obviously, I care about him. He’s a good man who always made me feel special. We had a lot of fun together. He just isn’t the best partner for me. I feel like I need a break from the stress of worrying about a relationship.”
“We all know what we need. We know what we can handle. You don’t need anyone or anything in your life that’s causing you stress. That’s the bottom line.”
“I wanted to tell you now because I don’t want to have to deal with anything when I get back besides staying healthy and mentally clear for number three.”
“Of course.” He sighed. “It feels like you’ve been gone a long time. I guess that’s because I didn’t have a chance to see you for a bit before you left, either. It seems like forever.” He paused. “I was freaking out a little bit, because I thought maybe you weren’t coming back, that you were having second thoughts about moving forward.”
“No,” I assured him.
“I’m really glad you called.” He exhaled. “I know it’s late there, so you can kick me off the phone, if you want.”
“I don’t want to get off the phone. I needed to hear your voice.” I leaned back into the couch. “And I miss you.” I shut my eyes tightly, regretting my choice of words, even if they were the truth.
“I fucking miss you, too, Noelle.”
My eyes shot open as my heart fluttered.
“What time do you land tomorrow?” he asked. “Can I pick you up?”
“Late. I think you’ll be at work. Don’t worry. I’ll call a car.”
“We should get together on Tuesday, then.”
Butterflies swarmed in my stomach, and a new kind of nervousness took hold. I no longer had a barrier keeping me from Archie. That scared the crap out of me because it opened the door to the possibility of rejection—again. I wouldn’t survive that. Jason had been my safety net. Now I had none. I’d made the right choice, but tomorrow I was going back to California feeling more vulnerable than before.
• • •
Once I returned to the West Coast, I gave myself some space from Archie. We didn’t get together on Tuesday, as I told him I wasn’t feeling great. Wednesday passed without seeing him, too. I needed some time to sort out what I wanted. There was one thing in particular I had to mull over before I addressed it with him.
