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Archie and I were immediately taken to the dreaded results room. Despite the tension between us, he held my hand tightly the entire time we waited. When the doctor walked in, I noticed the somber look on his face. He took a seat across from us. Then the words came.
“I’m so sorry to tell you that your test was negative.”
Archie let out a guttural sound as he lowered his head. My heart felt hollow.
“Have you discussed your next steps?” the doctor asked.
Archie turned to me, his eyes piercing as he awaited my response. He still hadn’t let go of my hand. We had tried everything this time. Yet we still couldn’t make it happen. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be.
“No,” I answered. “We had only committed to three IUI cycles. So we’re going to reassess.”
Dr. Burns typed something quickly on his laptop. “As I’ve mentioned before, many couples opt to try IVF at this point. I’m happy to go over any questions you might have about it.”
I sighed. “I’m well aware of that option and will consider it for the future. But I need to pause for now and do some research. If I want to set up another appointment, I’ll call you to do that.”
“I understand.” He smiled sympathetically. “This process can be mentally grueling, and it will certainly benefit you to take a step back and determine what you want with a clear mind.”
I nodded. “Thank you for all of your help, Doctor.”
He stood. “It’s been my pleasure. I look forward to working with you again.”
Left alone, I turned to Archie, who opened his arms to bring me into a hug. “I’m so fucking sorry,” he said.
“It’s okay,” I whispered as I leaned against him. “We knew this could happen. The odds were still against us.”
“I know, but I wanted it more than anything, Noelle. I hope you know that.”
After he let me go, I said, “Archie, can we go somewhere and talk?”
His expression hardened as he nodded. “Of course.”
We left the medical building, and Archie drove us to a local park. It was pretty empty, since kids were in school. We picked a spot on a bench under a beautiful tree. I looked up at the sky and tried to build up the courage to say what I needed to.
As I watched a gum wrapper blow by in the breeze, the words finally came out. “I need to go back to New York.”
A long breath escaped him. “What does that mean, though?”
“I don’t know yet.” Staring over at some pigeons, I tried to articulate my jumbled feelings. “I feel more emotionally invested in this process than I’d hoped to. I need to protect myself. I know you care about me. That’s never been in question. But I’m not sure you want the same things I do when it comes to us. It’s hard for me to express what’s truly in my heart when you don’t reciprocate. I can’t imagine a life without you in it. God, that scares the shit out of me, Archie. If I’m not able to control these feelings, I’m afraid I’m gonna lose you forever.”
He reached for my hand. “I feel like we both have the same fear. I don’t want to do anything to ever hurt you or to lose you. I don’t trust myself, Noelle. I’ve screwed up every relationship I’ve ever had.”
I stared down at our intertwined fingers. “You’ve been nothing but good to me, and you’ve gone above and beyond to make this process work. But I’m not sure continuing is the best decision for me anymore.”
Archie wrapped his hands around his head and leaned into his knees. This would have been the ideal moment for him to dispel my fears, tell me he loved me, and assure me he would always be there for me.
But he didn’t.
Instead, he let me go.
CHAPTER 30
ARCHIE
Two Months Later
Whaite’s Island
IT LOOKED EXACTLY the same from the outside. The house still had its wood-shingle exterior. Even the flowers out front were the same. I took a deep breath of the ocean air. I’d been here once since that fateful summer, yet I hadn’t really appreciated the experience the last time. This trip felt different. I was much more relaxed and grateful for all of the experiences I’d had here, even the painful ones.
“Can I help you?” a woman asked. She’d just come out of the house and must have been wondering why a strange man was staring.
“Sorry to bother you. I lived here briefly years ago. I was just reminiscing a bit.”
“Oh, that’s so interesting. My family and I are renting it for the week. It’s a great house.”
“So, it’s still a rental property then…”
“Yes.”
I continued looking up at the house, lost in thought.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
Fair question. “Yeah, I just have a lot of memories here.”
