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She pointed her thumb back toward the house. “Would you want to come in?”
My eyes widened. “Could I?”
“Sure.”
“Wow. Thank you.” I followed her to the door and wiped my feet before entering.
“Are you staying in town?” she asked.
“I flew in last night. Staying at one of the inns.”
I’d started going to therapy again recently, something I hadn’t done since well before Clancy was born. My therapist determined that I was still dealing with a lot of trauma pertaining to my father’s death and suggested I return to Whaite’s Island to face it. She thought my coming back here might rid me of some of the pent-up feelings I’d been holding on to. She’d pointed out that the last time I was here, I’d been distracted by telling Noelle that Mariah was pregnant. I’d never addressed the demons still haunting me, many of whom resided in this house.
So here I was, back at the scene of the crime. The decision to visit Whaite’s Island had been last minute. My original plan was to go straight to New York to see Noelle. But I couldn’t afford to botch anything up further with her, so I’d decided I should heed my therapist’s advice.
The past two months, since Noelle had returned to New York, had been the hardest of my life. That was saying a lot, since I’d had some pretty rough times right after Dad died and while taking care of my mother.
It wasn’t until Noelle left California that I realized it wasn’t just the pregnancy I’d been hoping for. Having her there by my side was the first time in over a decade that I’d felt complete. And I’d totally fucked everything up. Once again fear had kept me from taking the next step with the person who meant so much to me. My strong feelings for her were the reason I’d always kept Noelle at bay, like a favorite piece of artwork you’re afraid to touch for fear of breaking it. I was about to lose her forever—my ultimate fear—if I didn’t make things right. But I couldn’t fix things until I fixed myself.
The woman staying here told me her name was Jean. I chatted with her for a bit and asked whether she minded if I went upstairs. Her kids were out shopping with their father for the day, so she told me to take my time. No one else was home.
Heading up the staircase, I went straight to Noelle’s old bedroom. The walls were a different color, and the old nautical motif had been changed to more modern gray-and-white bedding and décor. The one thing that remained was the beautiful view of the ocean and the lighthouse.
The last time I stayed at the house with Noelle, I hadn’t gone into this room, just stood outside the door. It reminded me too much of the horrible moment when I’d picked up the phone to learn my father had died. I considered this room haunted, the scene of some of my fondest memories and also the worst day of my life. Thoughts of my dad flooded my brain as I sat on the bed where I’d been when I’d gotten that call.
As much as my father and I had disagreed on just about everything, I’d only ever wanted him to love me. While I’d gone to visit his grave over the years, I’d never felt his presence there the way I did in this moment. Standing up to look toward the water in the distance, I spoke to him in a barely audible tone.
“I often wonder whether you’re looking down at me or, no offense, up.” I sighed. “Just kidding. Anyway, I wonder what you’d think of me now, Archer. I’ve ignored everything in your rule book and done the exact opposite of what you would’ve wanted. Not only did I nix the idea of law school, but I picked a profession you would’ve deemed too risky. You mocked me whenever I cooked anything, remember? Or when I expressed interest in anything that wasn’t in line with your goals for me.” I laughed angrily. “Oh…and I got my girlfriend pregnant out of wedlock. You would’ve loved that, too. And then I couldn’t hold that marriage together for more than a few years. Quite the opposite, I singlehandedly broke it apart. I imagine you would’ve told me I wasn’t strong enough to stick it out. You might’ve said I should’ve tried harder to maintain my family, that not only had I messed up my own life, I’d messed up my daughter’s.” I shook my head and scrubbed a hand over my face. “Oh! And you would’ve been even more outraged that I offered to father a baby for your best friend’s daughter. You would’ve told me Noelle was too good for me, warned me to stay away so I didn’t ruin her life, too. Am I right?” I walked back over to the bed and sat down. “See? All of this is what I believe, but I have to wonder whether that’s really what you would say now, or whether this is my own false perception. Either way, I need to change the narrative, Dad. Right here and right now.”
