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“That’s it. I’m taking these away.” I folded the photos in my hand. Her eyes locked onto my quick movements as I pulled them out of sight.
“You don’t see it, but I do. You’re just a mirror, baby girl. When I look into those naive eyes, I see myself. A complete fool, forgetting the boy you moved in with is really a man. You’re everything I used to be, don’t think otherwise.” The tip of her cigarette flickered with orange heat.
“Parker is just a friend.” I corrected, her feelings about me living with him were completely unfair.
“Doesn’t matter. I know how you look at him. I was your age when your father left. You know he had a gambling problem, right? And I tried to stop him from leaving. I tried.”
“Those two things aren’t related, and you don’t need to talk about this.” I interrupted, not for her own mental health, instead my own.
“He persisted though,” she shook her head ignoring me, “and I had to put my foot down. We both did.”
“I didn't do anything.” I whispered, “I was just a kid, Claire.”
“Yes, you did, we were a team. I thought I could keep him around, but I needed your help, guess we weren’t enough, but I tried! You didn’t though. You let him walk out that door without a thought. Without a fight.” She was speaking too quick to keep up, her eyes no longer avoidant, but angrily fixed onto me. I glanced away, picking at the skin along my thumb.
“What was I supposed to do? You scared me!”
“Convince him! You were supposed to convince him! He’s the catalyst to this, don't you see? Don’t you realize we were meant to keep him here? That’s why I did what I did, but you can’t see my efforts.” She lowered her voice, “Gemma, you know I was desperate, I didn’t mean for things to happen the way they did, but I needed you to prove a point.”
“Don’t bring him up, not now. Please, can we talk about anything else?” My voice shook as I pleaded.
“I didn’t think he’d leave his precious girl behind, but guess what… he did, because somehow we weren’t enough. How could we even live with that?”
“Stop! I’m calling your doctor.” I rose from my seat.
“You cannot trust a man, Gemma, not with your heart, not with whatwewere willing to sacrifice.”
“We?” I asked looking over my shoulder, assuring we were alone. In the dark of the living room, I saw nothing, but I knew Alejandro was there, his eyes present like a spirit in the shadows. He didn't need to hear this, but I didn't want Claire to continue. “There is no ‘we’, there is you and the thing you did. And I can’t go back, and I cannot sit here and relive it with you.”
“And I’m to be punished forever?” She scoffed, “I already apologized for what I did. What more can I do?” She gritted her teeth, the tears in her eyes almost as red as mine.
“You can’t apologize! You can’t even say out loud what happened! That takes courage.”
“And you can?” She accused, “We weren’t good enough anyways, he had to know what he was losing.”
“A child?” I retorted.
“You were my partner, and I needed you! I still do, but you left like him, and I’m here suffering!”
“No!” I screeched, sitting back down. “I was your child, not your therapist! But that didn't stop you, and even now when I ask you to stop, you don't listen. I can’t be blamed for leaving, and you can’t say ‘we’weren’t goodenough.Enough?That would have been a mother who had the sense to see she was hurting her own daughter.”
“Everything that has happened has made you the person you are today! Is that not enough? I gave you everything I had, and now I need the same back!”
“You don’t get to ask that of me!” I shouted. “It’s not my job to be your daughter, it’s your job to bemymother!” The screech of my words failed in comparison to Claire’s pounding fist as she slammed her hand onto the table and screamed.
“I was broken!” She shrilled, rocking a ceramic ashtray off the surface and onto the floor. Instantly my shoulders clenched as if guarding my ears from the shatter it made. If I wasn’t crying already, I was now, not sobbing but rather, choking on a tear. I gripped my neck, frightened by her voice. Claire opened her mouth to speak but hesitated as a large hand gently wrapped around her wrist.
“Gemma doesn’t like loud noises.” Alejandro asserted, his voice rolled like a wave, deep and penetrating. He squeezed her softly, letting his presence be known, felt without threat. “We’re going to be quiet now, because that’s what she needs.” He nodded, until Claire did too. He knew what scared me, just like at The Met, when the thunder cracked, and I ran into his arms. For the first time I was thankful for allowing him in, even if it was just a little.
“Gemma?” Claire asked, her mouth parted, confused and in awe. “I know this man.” I sat still, my shoulders hunched, rattled by the shattered ceramic. I didn’t even reply.
“Can we be gentle?” he asked calmly. “I can’t leave this room and have your voice be raised again. I won’t allow it.” He stared as I finally looked up, his eyes locked onto mine. He said it all, not with words, but with the provoked gravitas of his stare;I take care of you now.
“You’re Alex Rivers.” The once solemn look in her eyes melted. Her voice purred as she patted the knots in her hair. “Gemma should have said something,” she scolded, but somehow seemed delighted. “I’m Claire.”
“So I’ve heard.” He replied, his friendliness enough to ease her back into a calmer state. She covered her mouth as her mood spun quickly like a manic leap. This was a trait of her disorder, the hot and cold mood swings. Some lasted weeks, others only moments. I dropped my shoulders as Alejandro looked away, observing the high pile of ash and cigarettes lying on the table. He studied them, making mental note, indexing their meaning and their assignment to me. He was so intuitive; he could sense my distaste.
“Gemma?” Erin called my name near the hall as Alejandro took a seat, distracting Claire as I walked away. He kept his eyes on me, but Claire never noticed. She stared at him with all the conviction and yearning she had for my father. Was this a sign? Her fear of what men could do was never displaced by how poor her judgment was. She gravitated towards troubled men, just as she possibly did now.
