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“I’m not enough.” I admitted out loud, reaffirming what Claire led me to believe.
“Enough?” Alejandro questioned, the intensity in his voice unchanging. “That’s a definition only I can speak on, and what I know is best. Tell me again you’re not enough, and I’ll fix it.”
“It’s not that simple.” I replied.
“Correct, when alone nothing is, but here I am, so I dare you to think otherwise. You don’t need to feel guilty for surviving.” He caressed me with his words alone, “When I call you a good girl, Gemma, I fucking mean it.” His hand lifted to my chin, directing my gaze towards his.
Agood girl?He saw me as such, and maybe more than one to be broken, a manifestation of his urges, but also, the infatuation of his heart.
“I don't even know where to start.” I said hopelessly, genuinely lost in his eyes.
“Wecan start today. I might not be able to take the memories away, but I can replace them with new ones. Together, that is, something new for each other.” He pulled the bottle out from my hands, tucking it into his pocket, “I’ll get this arranged for Claire.Itake care of you now.”
I swallowed easier now, my neck relieved at his words. His protection was foreign and more astute with age, complimented with an affirmation I never knew. It was less work hiding these things, accepting already that he shared this life. Maybe therewassomething he saw, and now I could see it too, through small steps and patience, there could be a way out. But was it through him, or was this another let down in the making?
“I won’t let you be defined by anyone’s eyes other than mine,” he announced, his thumb tracing my jaw. “Not your friend, not your mother, not anyone. And know this when I say it, Gemma, that when I look at you, it’s because I can’t look away.”
CHAPTER 20
The walk down Parker’s hall was the first quiet moment I had all day. I was exhausted, but now, finally off the elevator and at his door, I found peace. I slid the key into the lock, giving it a twist, possessed by a sudden thought before walking in.
Alejandro, in the most punctual and commanding ways, did something I never knew was possible. He made me feel relatable, and on top of that, he extended some sense of normalcy to my life. Maybe I wasn’t alone in my experiences. I wasn’t sure if he would be able to live up to his expectations, the idea he proposed of replacing my memories. It sounded sweet, but I knew too little about his capabilities thus far, excluding the ones he controlled over my body. What would the memories he promised look like? I wasn't sure yet, or willing to admit, which I desired more. Was it the prospect of freedom from my past that excited me, or was it the fact that it came from the dark brooding man himself, Alejandro? Both felt nice, yet different.
I walked in, surprised anyone was even home, signaled by the dim lights and music. I put my coat on the hanger, and Parker turned around from the kitchen corner.
“Gem…” He pulled me in, wrapping his large arms around me. His greeting felt both excited yet relieved. I didn’t question it. I was consumed in the subtle spice of masculine cologne, much like fresh leather, but sweet like the gardenias on the dress I’d worn for him weeks ago at the play. It was as if he knew my day was long, making his embrace more secure.
“Rattlesnake!” I pressed myself against his firm chest. “What’s going on?” I asked, curious as he lowered me down gently.
“I just couldn’t stop thinking about you today.”
“Me?” I asked.
“Only you. I was useless at work, completely unsure what was going on.” I was unsure why he was like this, or what I did different. The excitement in his emerald eyes were soon replaced with concern.
“What do you mean?”
“I called you. I heard where you were at, who you were with.” His hands fell to my waist as his grip secured my body. I looked away, worried he knew, that he’d be upset. It was no secret how much he loathed Alejandro, and the suspicion he had of him. “With Alejandro?” I asked shyly, unsure of his reaction.
“Yes, but more so with Claire.” He discerned. He stared into my eyes, noticing the red puffy bags lying beneath. I’d been crying, and I was sure I looked look like a disaster. He licked his lips, as if to taste the tear that his large thumb brushed away from my cheek.
“How did you…” I started to ask, but Parker stopped me.
“Alejandro was supposed to show up for another meeting but didn't. He advised his lawyers where he was, and it wasn’t difficult to figure it out. Out in Bushwick with an auburn-haired beauty.” He confirmed so confidently with their sweet description.
“Beauty?” I laughed, but Parker tightened his grip.
“As if there was any confusion.” He shook his head, probably noticing the wide expression in my eyes. “I called, but you must have been busy.” He noted, admitting he also knew I ignored his call.
“I was…” I replied, glancing down at my hands, unsure of what to say.
“I could have been there, you know? I could’ve helped. I know you know this, but I guess it doesn’t change things. I understand it’s a sensitive subject and it’s your choice who you bring or don’t bring. It’s just… if there’s anything I can do to help, tell me.” Parker was always protective, but respected my boundaries, such as when I kicked him out of Claire’s house when we were kids. Now was no different, but I could tell it hurt him, nonetheless.
“So you don’t care that Alejandro took me?” I asked, still shy at his reaction. The thumb that just wiped my cheek now caressed along my jaw.
“Butterfly,” he lulled out, “don't ever confuse my dislike for him as disappointment in you. Right now, I care only about how you are, and little on what he is. Tell me, are you ok?”
Outside of Claire, I wanted to tell him the truth. I was confused, conflicted even. I wasn’t sure if I could control the physical attraction I had for Alejandro, and though I was resistant, I wasn’t sure how long I could fight it. In that same thought, how could I ever truly divulge, if I loved Parker so much? Love for me was not a choice, but a curse that brought me to the most caring man I couldn’t have: Parker.
