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“Yes, because things like this could happen!”
“Things like this? You stood up for yourself, and now you feel bad? I don’t fucking think so. Feel however you want, Gemma, but I don’t believe you could ever be so complacent; you just do it because it’s easier than acknowledging how someone like me can make you live better than what you’ve ever settled on.”
I found Gemma difficult to decipher in this instance, her fluttering eyes either of anger or perplexing curiosity.
“Acknowledge you? How? The only thing I could acknowledge is how you make me feel, but who you are is decided upon how honest you can be. Good, bad, I’m not sure… maybe you believe what others say about you, but I’ve always been in your corner. There was a lot said tonight, and I’m not sure how much I was supposed to hear.”
I wanted to pull myself away, but resisted as she reached for my hand, brushing the black rose that sat over my knuckles. The truth was somewhere in the petals, a meaning I found with someone else, from a memory I wanted to forget: Natalie Brower, Belmont Hills, The Pierre Hotel. Not even I could hide this from Gemma, and my hesitancy was so robust that the city itself became mute.
“What the hell happened tonight?” Gemma corralled a strong silence, challenging me as she should. How could I really win her over after tonight? The only way was to give her the entire truth of the case, but was that a risk I was really willing to take right now? Neither of us were ready for that, so I answered honestly for something different.
“Everything Parker said and did was out of desperation.”
“Don’t say that.”
“It’s true. He’s desperate enough to risk his whole career, and it’s for you, Gemma. He’ll say and do anything to keep you, and I don’t blame him, because I’d do the same. Parker will only see me as one person. To him, I’m Alex Rivers—the celebrity—but to you, I’m Alejandro, your boss. Both sides are completely different, but both no better than the other. It’s true that I have problems, and they complicate who I am.”
“We all have our problems, Alejandro… but the closer we grow, the more I realize you’re holding back. I’ve been patient with you, even avoidant, but I don’t know if I’m physically able to do that anymore,” the way she responded made me weak, leaving me no room to resign. She was still too kind, too completely perfect to ever fully be exposed to my world, to risk having her trauma mixed with mine. I had to be sofuckingcareful.
“What if Parker was right? How would that make you feel?” I brushed my knuckles along her bare shoulder. I wanted to see all of her, including her reaction, knowing at any moment her fair skin could burn red. “The lifestyle, the parties, the bullshit, everything he hates about me is still attached to the person I am because Alex Rivers is attached to me. I’ll admit it, I am a dark cloud, and there are consequences to those who get close.”
Gemma pulled my hand off her shoulder, caressing it into her own. “I can accept your truth.”
“Can you?” I asked. “The choices I made involved Natalie Brower, and they involved the parties I allowed to be thrown in honor of Alex Rivers… regardless, I tried to do what was right, to help others in need… but ultimately, despite my intentions, people got hurt. And here’s an ugly truth; whether it’s my fault or not, I’ve accepted that I was born to be the cause and consequence of everyone’s bad decisions.”
Gemma’s face turned into a stern frown, still safe from the utter distaste I’d seen in Parker.
“And all the bad decisions that came into your life came from someone else? You were never to blame? I know you lose control, Alejandro. I’ve seen it. I’ve yelled at you because of it. So, how are your bad decisions any different?” she asked suspiciously, knowing that it couldn’t be true. I hated that she had to hear me admit it.
“My bad decisions are always reactions. You’ve seen my knuckles… you know what I’ve done, and why I did it. I don’t go out looking for men who hit women, but if I find them, I can’t ignore them.” I knew she read about me and the DJ out in Bushwick, about how bad I beat him. She had no idea how far it could’ve gone, how deadly that moment really was.
“I wouldn’t want you to ignore that.”
“I never would, and that’s why I’m involved with Belmont Hills. It’s a safe place for women to go… women who have experienced things that only you and I have witnessed at home.”
Strike one.This made Gemma nervous. In a brief second, she rolled her shoulder, using it to wipe sweat from her ear.
“Like a shelter?”
“A home,” I corrected. “A place for those who were abused, who suffer from trauma, who need rehab, or counseling. It’s expensive, but they do a lot of good work. So, I donated to them, and that’s where I met Natalie.”
Strike two. The re-mention of Natalie made Gemma stare down at her ring, the one with that fucking butterfly on it. Parker and Claire made her believe that she was meant to be shy and timid, to be uncertain of what she could be. Fuck that belief. I wanted to push for more.
“But Parker wouldn’t be upset about that… there’s more you’re not telling me. Why is he concerned for her?”
“He’s not, it’s more for her husband. It’s extortion… and I’m not interested in giving him my money.”
“Her husband?” she asked, shaken, swirling with a million different scenarios. I needed to see her shocked, I needed her to be absorbed in this sense of who I was and the life I carried—surprised, nervous, exhilarated. That way—when and if I spoke the truth about Natalie, about me and my past—she’d never look at me like Parker, but instead, like the confident woman I knew she was.
“Did you have an affair with her?”
“Is that what you think?”
“I don’t know what to think.” She cleared the stickiness of her throat. “I want you to tell me.”
“No,” I said dryly, “we never shared those feelings. I’m more in line with Parker than you think. When it comes to relationships, my interests only involve you… and if you want the truth about Natalie, then I’ll need some truth from you too.”
“That’s not fair.” She tried to pull her hands away, but I stopped her.
