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“Athena.” Ruby shakes her head at me. “You’re not supposed to enjoy itthatmuch. Not so much that you can’t think straight. You have to be able to keep your head. But–” she bites her lower lip, grinning slyly at me. “Was it good?”
“It was.” I run my hands through my hair, frustrated. “It wastoogood. I was supposed to tell him not to kiss me unless he paid more upfront or something–I don’t know, drag it out somehow. Iknowthat’s what I was supposed to do. But he was so close, and he smelled good, and I wanted him to kiss me, like it was a fucking actual date, and–oh fuck, I’m so stupid.”
“You’re not!” Ruby leans over, patting my arm comfortingly. “You’re not stupid at all. It happens. There was a guy last year that was hotter than anyone who usually comes in here, and he kept buying dances with me. I couldn’t help but fantasize a littlethat he’d fall madly in love with me and sweep me away from all this. It’s normal. You just have to remember that it’s just that–a fantasy. He got bored, like they always do, and then he drifted off. It’s always going to be a fantasy. And make sure it doesn’t get in the way of you getting paid,” she emphasizes, reaching for the heated curling iron. “That’s the important part.”
“He said he wanted to see me again. I didn’t let him give me a ride home–he didn’t want to stop when I pulled away, and I felt uncomfortable.”
“Good choice. I would have made him pay for my cab, but it was your first time. I think you did just fine,” Ruby adds encouragingly. “So what did you tell him? About seeing you again? Is that what you’re all in knots about?”
I nod. “I told him to come by the club, and we’d talk about it. And now–I feel like maybe I should have just told him no, full stop. Maybe this was enough.”
“No! You did exactly what you should have done. He’ll buy time in the champagne room, and then you can negotiate your next date, here where it’s safe. That’s perfect.” Ruby grins at me. “See? You know what you’re doing.”
The encouragement feels good, but it’s hard for me to calm down. I know as well as Ruby does that I’m crossing lines I’ve never crossed before. I’m doing things I swore I wouldn’t, in uncertain terrain, and it’s made worse by the fact that I’m actually attracted to him. If I wasn’t, it would be so much easier to stick to the rules and boundaries and so much easier not to worry that I might lose my head.
Especially when I feel such a strange, magnetic draw to him, something so different from anything I’ve felt before.
I wish I could enjoy it.The thought comes out of nowhere, but as soon as it crosses my mind, I know it’s true. I know, if I’m being honest with myself, that I’m developing an infatuation. If it were with anyone else, there would be nothing wrong with that. I could throw myself into it and enjoy it until it burned out.
I’ve done it before and enjoyed every second of it. I can think back to a dozen of them–handsome men who were not good enough for a real relationship, not good enough for my father to agree to my marrying them, but who were more than good enough for a wild fling. I loved it, enjoying their company with no strings, no pressure, only fun and pleasure until I cut them loose. It had been thrilling, exciting, and I miss it. I miss men like Adrian Drakos, who were never right for me, but who were perfect for a little while.
Could I just have fun with it? Just for a little while?I try to think what would be the harm in it. For all my worries and paranoia that Ruby is constantly soothing, I haven’t seen any actual proof that he wants to hurt me, just what is, apparently, a normal kind of fixation for a man with more money than sense. It’s all a transaction at the end of the day, but–
It could still be pleasurable and exciting.I live my life without much of that now. If anything, I have a feeling that the draw I feel towards him is because of exactly that–because being with him is both of those things. It makes me feel things that I’d been forced to shove away and bury in order to survive here.
Whatever he asks for, if he comes in tonight, just keep an open mind,I tell myself as I take the curling iron from Ruby, quickly doing my hair in the little time left before my set. As I get dressed, I feel a bubble of excitement, slipping into my silver lingerie and painting my lips red, wondering if I’ll see him.
If I’ll get a chance to keep an open mind at all, or if he’s changed his.
I don’t have long to wait. By the time I’m walking down from the stage at the end of my set, I see him coming towards me, that gleam in his ice-blue eyes that I’m coming to know very well. It ignites something in the pit of my stomach, an excitement I’m not sure I should allow myself to feel.
Is it so bad if I want to enjoy this?I don’t even really like Mikhail–sometimes I think I might actually hate him–but that’s thrilling in its own way. There’s the push and pull, the banter, the passionate sex with someone that you’re not sure if you want to fuck or strangle or both at once, and I could have that with him. It would be hot and wild, and it would flame out eventually–but in the meantime, it would feel so good.
Or, you could be wrong about all of this, and you end up getting caught, or worse.
It’s so frustrating I could scream. All I want is to enjoy something, instead of living in fear constantly. I never knew how awful it could be to live every moment looking over my shoulder, wondering when the hammer will fall, when I’ll slip up, when I’ll get myself or someone else hurt.
“You seem like something’s on your mind,” Mikhail says as I lead him back to the champagne room. “Bad night?”
“No–just tired.” I smile at him, forcing myself to silence the stream of consciousness running through my head and focus on this, now. “What do you want tonight?”
Mikhail laughs. “Right to the point, I see.” He waits as I hit the pink-hued lights and turn on the music, his gaze lingering on mehungrily. “I can appreciate that. After all, we didn’t leave on the best terms–and that’s my fault. I apologize.”
The apology catches me off guard, but I do my best not to show it, keeping my face as blank as I can as I swing up onto the stage. “You still didn’t answer my question.”
“Just a dance, while we talk.” He smiles affably at me, striding to the couch. “I’ve rarely seen anything as beautiful as the sight of you dancing.”
“There are those compliments again.” I spin around the pole, arching and swaying against it. “So, what do you want to talk about?”
“An–arrangement.” He watches me for a long moment, and I can see his hands twitch on the couch, as if he’s itching to touch me. “I’d like to get the basics out of the way. I want your time and your attention, Athena–or Ekaterina, whichever you prefer–when you can give it to me. I know there’s other things that might need to be negotiated for, but I’d like to give you a baseline allowance for that. Your time, your full attention on me when we’re together, and–” he holds up a finger before I can speak. “Before you ask, it doesn’t have to be more sexual than you want it to be. You can draw your own lines there–”
“Athena, while we’re in here,” I tell him firmly, as I slide down into a split on the stage. “Ekaterina outside.”Fucking aliases. It’s hard to keep track of.
“Fair enough.” He smiles at me, that slow, seductive smile that makes me start to forget what we’re actually doing here. I remind myself as I move across the stage to pay attention, to make sure I actually get what I want–what Ineed–out of this.
“My question from the other night still stands,” I tell him as I slide towards him. “Why would you go to this much trouble and so much money? You don’t need to do this.”
Mikhail shrugs. “And my answer stands, as well. I wantyou, Athena. And since I can’t have you for free, I’m prepared to pay what’s necessary.”
