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…and I’d like it.
Twenty-Eight
DORA
Jamef’s hand strokes along my jaw and he gazes thoughtfully at my mouth. I’m full of yearning for his kiss. I want to see if it’s similar to Bethiah’s, if it affects me differently, if he makes a sound of pleasure when he touches me, if it smooths that vague worry from his brow…
But he just continues to stroke my jaw, his thumb skimming close to my lower lip.
“Are you going to kiss me?” I whisper.
“I am considering it.”
The fact that he’s pausing doesn’t surprise me. Jamef is not a creature of impulse. “Because you want to make Bethiah upset?”
His mouth curves into a rueful smile. “No, because someone should kiss you until those tears go away.” His hand skims higher, brushing the wetness from my cheek. “It pains me to see you so sad, sweetheart.”
“Then you should kiss me and make it better,” I say boldly, moving a bit closer. I’m practically up on my knees now, and I loop my arms around his neck. My nose is practically brushing his, but I hesitate before eliminating the distance between us. I don’t want to shove my mouth on him if he doesn’t want it. In addition to hygiene laws, there’s a whole other entanglement. But his gaze goes to my mouth and I can tell we’re both thinking the same thing, and a hot yearning curls through my body, filling me with a delicious ache. “Will Bethiah get mad if you kiss me? Or if I kiss you?”
“Will she?” he muses, and his thumb moves to my lip, skimming it.
I part them, and he eases his thumb inside. It’s metallic, his hand cybernetic, but it’s still his, so I close my lips around it and suck.
“And do we care?” His gaze is locked on my mouth.
It’s a bluff. We both know we care.
I release his thumb and give the pad a little kiss. Neither of us makes a move.
“It’s all right,” I tell him. I can feel the tension brimming in the air like an electric charge, but we don’t kiss. Not until we figure out what’s going on between the three of us. If Bethiah doesn’t want him—or me—then we’re free to kiss. If she does…things are complicated.
I sleep in the holding cell that night. Bethiah has taken over the bedroom and hasn’t emerged. I suspect she’s sulking because we’re not playing her games. Either that, or planning revenge for the same reason. She plays at being lighthearted but I know her well enough at this point that I can tell when her feelings have been hurt. Our situation—the three of us and our weird attraction—is entirely in her control and she’s hesitating.
If Bethiah declared that she wanted Jamef and only Jamef, I’d find my peace with it. I’d wish them the best, because I really do adore both of them and I want the best for both. I want them to be happy even if it’s not with me. I would just find a ride to this backwater Risda place and…manage, I guess, even if the thought makes me want to cry.
If Bethiah decided she wanted me and not Jamef, I’d be utterly delighted…and hurt for Jamef at the same time. I’d miss him and his calm, organized presence. I’d miss his comforting shoulder when Bethiah makes me crazy, and the ship wouldn’t be the same without him.
And what if Jamef decided he wanted me instead of Bethiah? I think of our almost-kiss earlier. I think of the way I sucked on his finger and how being in his arms felt natural and right and good…and yet still like a betrayal. Bethiah would be broken-hearted if we got together without her. She’d laugh it off with jokes and go try to work it off by attacking someone at a cantina, but I know she’d be hurt. She expects everyone to leave her, and I feel like it’s both a dare and a vulnerability.
Oh god, what if they make me choose between them?
There’s got to be a solution to this. It’d be so much easier if we could all three just be in a relationship together—
Wait.
Why can’t we?
It’s clear that Bethiah likes both males and females. I like both Bethiah and Jamef for very different reasons. I like Bethiah’s wildness and unpredictability just as much as I like Jamef’s protective nature. I know Jamef likes both of us—or at least I think he does. They consider themselves boyfriend and girlfriend, in a strange quasi-relationship they’ve been pursuing but unable to move forward with.
What if I insinuate myself into their relationship and make it a triad? I’d be safe. No one would dump me on a distant planet.
We could be free to explore this strange attraction between all three of us. I don’t know if I’d be all right with Bethiah and Jamef kissing and making love, but it’s different if we agree upon it and I get my turn next, isn’t it? It’s not cheating then. It’s just…taking turns.
