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Why was it so hard to reconcile my need to not get hurt again with the feelings I still had for Josh?
By moving here and distancing myself from it all, I thought I had successfully moved on. My romance with him had returned to being a fantasy that kept me awake at night until I found manual satisfaction. Our memories still tasted bittersweet in my mouth but I had assumed that would pass with time.
And then he had shown up at the convention in one of his best suits and swept me off my feet once more. I’d struggled last night to keep it friendly between us, my soul yearning to feel him close like I had before, and when he told me he still loved me, I knew I couldn’t stay there much longer.
It was far too tempting to have the manIstill loved but couldn’t be with sitting across from me, refuting every reason I gave for our continued separation. So I’d left and returned home to cry until I fell asleep, dreaming, of course, of Josh and what could have been.
So here I was, sitting on my pilled, navy-blue couch in sweatpants and a tank top, trying to forget about last night. Nothing seemed to help, not television or reading or even the brisk jog I’d gone on this morning to clear my head. Every thought returned, somehow, to him.
I had always been decisive and forthright in my emotions and yet, all I could do now was languish in hesitancy. When I began to feel sorry for myself because I had almost hit the jackpot with Josh, I started to see things his way:
First of all, our ages weren’t that different. I’d had eighty-year-old clients with spouses in their thirties before and, though it was unusual, no one batted an eye at them.
Of course, then there were our careers and lifestyles, which were vastly different. What if people connected our age difference to Josh’s income and thought of me as a gold digger? But obviously, I wasn’t, considering I had my own job and intended to keep it that way.
What about Laila and any legal recourse she could take if she found out about us being together? I laughed to myself at that—Josh’s ex-wife probably didn’t care about him at all now that she had her full autonomy and could be completely selfish in life.
Finally, I settled on the very last reason I could think of, which was the pregnancy. If I went back to him now and Josh found out about the baby, would he still want to be with me? Would his love vanish the second he found out about the new responsibility he would have to bear in seven months?
I had no answer for that and there was only one way to find out. With adrenaline soaring in my veins and just one doubt in my mind, I changed into warmer clothes and put my winter gear on. Then I hopped into my car and set course for the hotel on Fifth Avenue.
Since I’d spent all day stewing, the sun had already begun to set by the time I pulled up to my destination. The snow that had fallen yesterday glittered in the fading rays and as I walked from a nearby parking garage to the hotel, its chill nipped at my nose.
At the front desk, I got Josh’s room number after assuring them that I was his sister stopping by for a visit, and trailed snow over the expensive lobby carpet to the elevator. Once inside and rocketing upwards toward his suite, I felt less sure.
In my mind, I kept envisioning some worst-case scenario where I would knock on his door and another woman would answer, leaving me to stand stupidly in the hallway while Josh called for her from the bedroom. And then I would feel truly duped and lose all ambition for finding love.
No—I had to focus on the positives. I spent the entire distance from the elevator to Josh’s door convincing myself that he would welcome me inside with open arms and I prayed I was right as I steeled myself to knock on the door.
Three short raps later, I was clenching and unclenching my fingers nervously in my mittens with sweat dappling my brow. There were heavy footsteps and then the metallic sounds of locks and then there he was, staring down at me with wide, chocolate-brown eyes.
“Amelia?”
I swallowed harshly, rocking back and forth on my heels, managing to reply, “Hi, Josh.”
We stared at each other for another full minute, him in disbelief and me in anticipatory discomfort, and then he stepped aside. “Oh, I’m so sorry. Please, come in.”
Taking care to wipe my boots thoroughly on the mat by the door, I did as he requested, moving a few feet into his room. I slowly unbuttoned my coat and unwrapped my scarf from around my neck, letting Josh have time to change his mind and tell me to leave.
But he didn’t; instead, Josh brushed past me and moved into the kitchen, calling, “Do you want something to drink?” over his shoulder like I was his girlfriend who’d just gotten home from work.
“Yes, please,” I answered shakily as I removed the rest of my outerwear to leave my boots on the mat. As I took careful steps forward, I silently admired the grandeur of Josh’s suite. The dark wood furniture paired with the stark white accents gave the entire place a sense of wealthy calm. And I suddenly felt like I didn’t belong here, in my worn tank top and sweatpants.
But before I could dwell on that self-consciousness, Josh poked his head out from the kitchen and beckoned me inside, gesturing for me to stand across the counter from him. He let me take a sip of water before asking, “what are you doing here?” with a hint of hopeful amusement.
“I think you know why,” I replied, feeling my cheeks heat with embarrassment. “I don’t need to say it.”
Josh shrugged, smiling charmingly down at me. “I wish you would. Seems only fair after I poured my heart out to you yesterday.”
Bringing my hands up to brush my coppery-red hair behind my ears, I met his gaze as I stammered, “you…you were right. I thought about everything and, well, there really aren’t any reasons why this wouldn’t work. As long as we’re both committed.”
Even though I wasn’t going to tell him about the pregnancy until later, I felt the need to add that caveat to make myself feel more in control of the situation than I was.
Josh nodded thoughtfully and brought his own glass to his lips before murmuring, “does that mean you want to give us another chance?”
Mustering all of my courage, I squared my shoulders and said, “Yes.” Truthfully, that one word immediately brought me so much joy that I almost forgot why I’d been so worried in the first place.
Clearly, it brightened Josh’s mood too because he rushed over to me as quickly as he could, taking my face in his hands. “Don’t lie to me, Red,” he pleaded. “You really want to be mine…be my girl again?”
