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“Are you sure you’re okay?” he asked again. “Because if you need someone to talk to, I can spare a few moments.”
He was a handsome guy. Looked around my age. I wanted to take him up on his offer to sit with me, but I was ready to get home and rest my feet after such a long and exhausting day. So, I declined. I paid my check and took an Uber back to my new townhouse.
The next day, while on set with my new client for the role I’d helped her land, I thought about what life would be like as a mother. Changing diapers. Buying baby clothes. Setting up a nursery. Waking up in the middle of the night to soothe a crying infant. I smiled to myself when I thought about sharing that child with Logan. Even if I didn’t know his feelings about things at the time, I saw how he was about the children he already had and knew he would be a great father to mine.
“How did I do?” My client startled me after reading her lines for the day. “I was so nervous out there, oh my god.”
“You did great,” I halfway lied. “Don’t overthink things. We've been working on that.”
“Right. You’re right. I have to remember that.”
Helping her fix up her self-sabotaging, ironically, helped me do the same. I didn’t worry so much about what people would think of me and Logan. I stopped worrying myself sick about Lucas finding me. I stopped worrying about a lot of things in my life. I wanted to get back to enjoying the simple things, and that was what I did.
When I got home that evening I sat out on the balcony of my bedroom and took in the stars and possibilities. I daydreamed about my belly growing round and sharing milestone moments with Logan, like a family. I also thought about not telling him. It was hard to keep the secret to myself, but I was afraid of how he would feel about things. I didn’t know if he had completely forgotten about me, if he hated me and wanted nothing to do with me ever again. I didn’t know anything. It was as if he was a complete stranger.
Trinity tried giving me pointers on how to tell him I was pregnant with his child, but I didn’t accept any of them. I told myself that when the time was right, I would tell him everything he needed to know. I didn’t plan to drag things out for too long, because I wanted him to be there for the experience—if he wanted—I just wasn’t ready to tell him right then. I felt too much doubt about it.
“Well, don’t wait too long, girl,” she said. “If he is a great father like you say he is, he’ll want to be around to help you throughout the pregnancy. And he deserves to be. As far as a relationship between you two, I guess that’ll come with time, but right now it should be all about figuring out what’s best for the baby.”
I agreed with that.
Logan
After Sharron told me she had breast cancer, I’d felt obliged to be there for her as a good friend. So, the other day, I took her to Ariane’s favorite restaurant, The Golder Apple to cheer her up. I was glad I did. I was amazed that she could still look so beautiful despite her current diagnosis of a terminal illness.
“I went to the doctor last week for a checkup and they found another lump.” Sharron sobbed into my arms. “I have to go back for a biopsy soon, and I'm just so scared about it.”
“Just keep your faith and know that I’ll be with you the whole way.” I said.
I was no good at being a comfort in fearful situations, because I feared for my own father every day. My faith that he would hang on for me was very high, but some days…I just didn’t know.
“My mother lost her battle to breast cancer five years ago.” She shook her head as she remembered her mother.
I cradled Sharron in my arms and soothed her.
When I got home, I thought about Ariane. Moving forward was hard for me. I couldn’t get her off my mind and it had started to become too much for me to bear. So, I took a few days off work to take a mini vacation. Still, my mind got the best of me.
I called Ariane’s number, but there was no answer from her. I even tried calling from a private number and she still didn’t answer. I must have really hurt her feelings the last time we spoke, and maybe she planned to never speak to me again. But the way I missed her—I knew she had to be thinking of me too. I wanted to find her after speaking with Lucas. But things with the company, Sharron's new cancer diagnosis, and many other things had prevented me from doing so.
“Hey, Ariane. It’s Logan.”
I left her a voicemail after my third call. I figured hearing my voice would make her more likely to have a conversation, or at least send me a text back.
“I know it’s been a while since we last spoke. I’m just reaching out to see how you are. Work life. And all that.” I chuckled, not really knowing what else to say. “So, yeah. I guess, give me a shout if you feel up to it. If not…"
Instead of continuing, I hung up the phone and tossed it away on the bed. I felt stupid after leaving that voicemail. So stupid that I laughed at myself out of embarrassment. The last time I’d found myself so stuck on a woman was when Margot and I had our first break up. I’d been just barely into my twenties and learning how to deal with the mess of love and relationships. After that call, I felt like I was that kid again.
Chapter Twenty
Ariane
Atfivemonthspregnant,my belly was big and round. I’d found out with my last doctor’s appointment that I was having a girl and I was super excited. Scared, of course, but excited. I kept picturing a mini-me running around, laughing and playing. Logan still didn’t know, though. There wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t want to tell him. The few times he had called made me want to tell him even more. I knew he would have been happy to know about the baby, but I was too afraid.
“This baby is going to be spoiled rotten,” Trinity teased me while we did our weekend baby shopping. “I mean, look at this!” she squealed as she held up a cute little dress. “She’s not even born yet and already has more clothes than I do.”
“Yeah!” I laughed. “That’s because you keep buying her everything. Pretty soon, she’ll need her own walk-in closet.”
Trinity was always buying me things for the baby. Whenever she went to the grocery store, the mall, even the gas station! She was so excited to meet my little bundle of joy, sometimes I felt like she was the father.
