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The question rings like a bell in my ears. Despite all the noise on the beach, the only thing I hear is the crackling of the bonfire and Adrian’s hard words.
“I care deeply for him,” I answer.
“Obviously. And?”
“And I …” My eyes wander. “I feel …” Breath escapes my lips in a doleful sigh. “I feel like I love him in a … in a different way. A natural way.”
“What do you mean?”
“It isn’t the crazy, exotic kind of love that has me just wanting to have sex with him. It’s a love that transcends all of that. I want to see him succeed. I want to see him happy. I want to help him realize his goals and find a future he can believe in. Something real and pure and true.”
“That sounds pretty serious, man.”
“But it’s even more than that.” I take a step toward the fire as it dances before my eyes. “Sean gives me a sense of purpose again. When I’m with him, I feel like my existence matters. I’m showing myself that I am capable of bringing goodness into this world because I’m able to give Sean the chance to bring his goodness into the world.”
Adrian faces me and slaps a hand on my back. “Look, if you’re feeling this deeply about this guy, then you need to go all in. Commit to him. To Sean. That was the biggest mistake I almost made with my life, letting it slip on by and committing to nothing. Don’t be me. Commit to him.”
I stare at Adrian again, overcome.
Commit to him. Commit to Sean.
Why do those words terrify me?
I reconnect with Sean sometime later when the bonfire starts calming down and people begin heading home. After running off with Mars and the others, he came back with a whole ton of stories he wanted to share with me. I barely catch any of it as he excitedly shares everything with me, too preoccupied with my own thoughts. He reminds me so much of myself when I was his age, overly excited about anything, laughing too much, amazed by the tiniest things.
All of those possibilities that live in his eyes of what his life could be, I could be stealing them away if I commit to Sean. When I told him I loved him. If I expected to hear it back. It’s like caging a bird the moment I just set it free.
How can I look at it any other way?
Why would I want to do that to Sean, just when he is in the middle of realizing how amazing and limitless his life could be now?
“Two large popcorns please,” he says at the counter. “And a large blue raspberry slushy. And a—oh, Coop, do you like Sweetarts? I like Sweetarts. Okay, add one of those, please.”
We catch a midnight movie at the theater because Sean is riding a crazy kind of high tonight, and after our time at the bonfire, neither of us seem settled enough to sleep. In the back row, we feast on popcorn, candy, and slushies as a low-budget fantasy movie from the 90s plays on the screen. Besides us, there are only two others in the whole theater, and they’re all the way in the front row, so Sean doesn’t hold back in talking through the entire feature. He can’t sit still. He tells me about something hilarious Mars said. He tells me about a gig last week that felt weird at first, but got more comfortable as the shoot went on. He tells me how he heard stories about Toby and Vann’s senior year and how it made him wonder how his own would have went, if he had the chance to finish it. “But I think I should really consider getting a GED,” he decides between handfuls of popcorn. “It’s unlikely I’m going back. And with my life here, I may want to pursue more things in my future. School’s behind me now. The rest of my life is ahead.”
It’s almost as if Sean himself is warning me not to get too attached. He’s a professional runner with a long road ahead of him, and he’s finally getting his running shoes on.
This was my plan all along, wasn’t it?
To help him. To give him a roof, security, and a chance to succeed. To feed him, clothe him, and take care of him.
To give him what the world refused to give him.
A fair shot.
“Are you gonna eat any of your Sweetarts? You didn’t even open yours yet and look at me, I’m already down to my last handful.”
So I should be happy about what I’ve done for him.
“They’re all yours,” I say with a smile.
“Hmm.” He snuggles up against my side, since the armrest between us has been shoved away, then tears open the bag. “How about I eat one, then feed you one?”
