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“Hmm. ‘A beautiful design’ … That sounds nice.” He runs his fingers gently through my hair. “You’re beautiful, you know that, Sean? Inside and out.”
Inside and out.
I smile as he strokes my hair, wondering about beauty. The way it looks. The way it seems. The way it really is.
Demons can be beautiful, too.
But does that make them good?
As we fall asleep together sometime later, I find myself wondering about a certain night in his car over fudgy cake from Thalassa when he let slip a word from his lips.
The “love” word.
He heard it. I heard it.
Yet all I did was kiss him and say nothing.
Why didn’t I say it back?
Why did my ears seem to reject it the moment they were given such a beautiful gift?
As I lie here in his arms at the end of a perfect day, I’m left thinking more about demons and less of good things. I try to keep smiling, but I can’t help feel like an imposter in this life I don’t deserve.
I feel the claws of my past, like an ugly creature with no morals, digging its way out of my chest, desperate to reclaim me again. The creature that was fed with all of my father’s worst words and drinking benders. The creature who learned how to survive on the streets at night. It grins as it assesses my new, beautiful life, wondering how it can ruin this perfect thing I now have and cherish.
I have a history of losing things I love.
Everything I cherish goes away eventually.
That creature reminds me I don’t deserve this life. I did not earn this life. A picture of this creature now hangs on Cooper’s wall, like a dark reminder of who I really am—this creature, who whispers in my ear that this life is just another can of nuts I’m greedily prying out of Cooper’s good and loving hands.
Chapter 17 - Cooper
The bonfire glows brightly against the night sky.
All around, friendly faces and laughter. Beer. Drunken banter. One guy strumming a guitar and singing badly. The stars fill the horizon, my heart is as warm as that fire before my eyes, and I’m not sure there’s a damned thing anyone could do to make this night any better.
“About time we see your ass at one of these,” mutters Adrian with a beer in his hand.
I shrug. “Sean basically dragged me. He’s out there in the crowd somewhere with his friends, if he’s not up at your mom’s house with Skipper and the others.”
“I don’t know. I’m not their babysitter.” Adrian kicks his drink back.
I smirk. “Babysitter?”
He grins. “I gotta get a jab in whenever I can. It’s too much fun, seeing an old man like you kicking it hard with someone who’s younger than me.” He squints into the fire. “Though, to be honest, there’s something special with that Sean, even I gotta admit. He’s seen stuff, y’know? You … You can just tell by looking at him. He’s seen stuff.”
I stare at the fire myself. “Yeah,” I say after a while, nodding slowly. “But he’s coming around. Bit by bit. He’s seeing what life can be like when things are good. I think we all deserve that chance.”
“Mm-hmm.”
I eye Adrian. “So where’s your man, huh? I thought he was coming tonight.”
“He is. He’s with Kent and Jonah to get more beer or something. Hey, have you seen Finn? He was supposed to be here too, but I think he’s fighting with his boyfriend.”
“Again?”
“There’s something up with those guys. Their energy is all over the place.”
I shrug. “Finn’s energy is always all over the place. He overworks himself at the fair. His dad keeps loading new responsibilities onto his back. Finn will be burnt out before he’s twenty-five, I swear.”
“Poor guy.” He glances at me. “Things don’t seem to be anywhere near fizzling out with you and lover boy.”
I’m still scanning the crowd, wondering where Sean is. Maybe he really is up at Adrian’s mom’s house, which is one of these houses by the beach, quite a bit of ways down from mine. “Yeah, they’re pretty strong.”
“You guys seem to be a serious thing.”
I look at him. “You seem surprised.”
He shrugs. “If I’m being honest, yeah, a bit. I thought Sean might be … like … a pet project or something.”
“A ‘pet project’ …? The fuck?”
“Nothing bad. I just thought once you helped get him back on his feet, he might be someone you someday usher off to find his own life. I guess part of me didn’t expect the guy to actually find a life here … with you.”
“Huh.”
“Listen, Coop, I know you look at me as some horny animal who doesn’t know anything, but I learned a lot this summer, and I recognize that lost look in your eyes.”
“Really?”
“Yep. Now answer this: How do you feel about him?”
