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Sam looked at me and nodded. “If it’s what’s best. You want your coat back?”
I laughed mirthlessly. “Keep it.”
If I could have given away everything I owned, everything I’d built, I would have. If I could have left my clothes, my identity, and myself behind, I would have done it.
I walked out of that building wishing I’d never been born.
Chapter 25
Alicia
Iwasbackhomefrom the hospital after a few days of recovery. Sam took a lot of time off work to be with me, comforting me. The next week, a letter arrived.
It was from Jake’s lawyer’s office. I recognized it immediately. The manila envelope I’d seen him hand over at the restaurant the day I’d followed him. The last time we’d slept together.
Inside, the letter explained everything. Jake had set it up so I never had to work again. I didn’t want the money, but at the same time, the letter explained that he agreed to cut all contact. I didn’t realize it at first, but then it dawned on me. How was he so sure of his intentions at that moment he had this trust set up for me and my child?
Jake knew what I was going to say. He knew I could never forgive him and that the truth was coming out. He was protecting me all along.
“What do you want to do?” asked Sam, after he’d read the letter.
“What do you think I should do?”
“You know,” said Sam, putting the letter down, “you never have to work again if you don’t want to. Not with this. You can spend your life raising this child, doing what you like. You could get your college degree. Everything you’d ever wanted.”
I smiled. “Yeah. I guess I could.”
But really, I wanted something I knew I couldn’t have.
I wanted Jake back.
But Jake wasn’t coming back. A few days later, another envelope arrived. This one was addressed to all CAA employees. It was a nationwide circular that had been sent out by the company. This was what it said:
Dear Employees,
I’d like to thank you for your recent support following the difficult events at company headquarters on Wednesday, April 19th. It has been a hard decision to make, but following the disaster, it’s been decided that we will continue to do everything possible to make the airline survive and prosper. I’ve been working hard with our shareholders and the new board of executives, not only to safeguard our jobs and livelihood but to ensure the values of the company endure and are not shaken by this tragedy.
However, sadly, recent events have made it clear that I am not the right person to oversee this transition.
I’m appointing Jim Jennings, our lead pilot, and a figure many of you already know, to run the company. I’ve transferred my stock to Jim and look forward to seeing what he does with the company as its new director.
I’m retiring from CAA and will be focusing on, among other things, my philanthropy, and my commitment to safeguarding the aviation industry, which has faced so many challenges in recent years.
I’d like to thank you all for your commitment and hard work. It has been a pleasure leading this company.
Yours, sincerely,
J. Ryder
Director of Central American Airlines
Iwasattheend of my first trimester. I wish I could tell you morning sickness only happens in the morning.
Of course, between that and my heartbreak, I had enough to worry about. I decided I wouldn’t be going back to work. Sam had agreed to support both of us by taking on more flights. That meant he’d be away from home a lot more, but sadly, neither of us minded so much. We could hardly stand to be in the same room with one another at the moment. Soon neither of us would have to work with the money Jake had set up for us. But I wanted more than that. I was almost excited for my pregnancy to be over. I was ready for my child to enter this world. Then I’d have to start living.
I was taking care of my body in all ways I knew how. Eating the right foods, not eating too much, exercising daily, and the like. I decided that my child wasn’t going to grow up with an irresponsible parent. Irresponsible parents didn’t neglect their health just because they were feeling sad. So, I was also learning all I could about being the best parent I could be for my future child. But the truth was, I felt as if I had lost something, I felt empty, even though a new life was growing inside of me and I was doing all I could to tend to that life. I didn’t want to admit it to myself, but I needed the father more than ever.
I cried, of course. I cried a lot. Mostly at night, in my room, where I knew Sam wouldn’t be worried. I cried until I had no tears left, and then I moped around, not doing much.
