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That must have been when he fell.
I cling to my best friend like I need to tether him to the here and now. Like I can save him from his pain. Like there’s anything that could take Liam’s heartbreak from Adira’s beautiful soul.
“H-he fell, Ivy. I kept shoving him. Kept screaming at Chris that he was a pervert. That I hated him. I broke his heart. The way he looked at me. So much hurt. We’d both thought the other was our safe place and I… I betrayed him. And then he fell through the guard rail. And he screamed. I pushed him and he fell,” he says the last part as though by rote. As if he’s trying to cement the events into his head so he never forgets. He looks at me with guilt-ridden and watery eyes. “He survived the fall. Barely. The ambulance was quick. They had to do multiple surgeries, but his spine was broken and he lost the use of his legs. His mom was heartbroken.”
“But he lived,” I say.
“If you can call it that,” he says. “I broke his heart and I took away his future. He was a promising athlete. He was going to get a full ride to college. More than likely would have ended up in the majors. I stole that from him because I couldn’t admit that I felt the same way he did. Because I was too scared to put myself out there.”
“But you did. In the end. And you are magnificent.” I squeeze his hands and stare into his eyes. “What happened; it was an accident.”
“The police…they investigated.”
“And they decided it was an accident?” I’d learned that much from my internet search.
“Alec told them it was an accident. That we were all messing around and Chris stumbled and fell through the railing. I was so shaken… I didn’t speak up. My dad threw a heap of cash at the problem like he always does when he wants something to go away. But I pushed Chris, Ivy. Whether I didn’t mean what happened next or not, it still happened. It changed everything for him. I should have gone to jail. I should have been punished.”
“You can’t blame yourself.” My heart is broken for him. He’s been punishing himself all this time for something that really was an unfortunate accident. Perhaps the outcome would have been different if he’d admitted to the police that he was involved but I’m not sure it would make any difference on the prison he’s made for himself. I thought I knew him inside and out. He’s my best friend. I had no clue the deep pain he was hiding. Maybe we never really know people—we only think we do, based on what they allow us to see.
One thing is certain though; he already carries far too much guilt for something that was an accident. If Alec broke “his version of events” to the public and people started hounding Adira—it wouldn’t just affect his standing in the drag community or his business. It would break him. What if the police decided to re-open an investigation after so long? Would Alec get in trouble for lying in the initial investigation? Would Adira? Even if the police maintained it was an accident. “And Chris? They must have asked him what happened?”
“He said he didn’t remember.” He sniffles and then reaches behind him and grabs a yellow silk scarf. “I went to see him a couple of times in the hospital. He acted like… we never even kissed. Like we weren’t even friends.”
We sit lost in our own thoughts for a few moments while he dabs the corners of his eyes with the cloth.
“I know that you’re scared, babe,” he says finally. “Falling is scary, and love…well, love is absolutely fucking terrifying. Giving someone else the ability to hurt you. Realizing you have the capability to destroy the thing you hold the most dear. It’s all enough to send you running for the hills. But it doesn’t come around often enough not to hold onto it when it does.”
I return the sad quirk of his mouth as he shoves his dark little secret deep down again and balls up the canary colored silk to toss it in the wicker basket that needs to be taken to laundry. It unfurls as it sails through the air. “I’ve told you mine… what are you so ashamed of?”
“I…” I swallow around my fear. “I haven’t told him about Alec.”
“Oh.” His eyes widen. His lips part. “O-oh.”
“They hate each other,” I whisper.
“I know.” Adira’s eyes stay comically large, not that any of this is funny. “I read the gossip sites. You haven’t told him? I thought for sure…”
“We fell so fast… one minute I was Uma…the next…” Rogue was telling me he had feelings for me, and Alec was promising to hurt my best friend if I didn’t spy for him. What was I supposed to do?
“You have to tell him,” Adira urges.
“I want to. But it never feels like the right time… and the longer I wait the harder it seems to be. I’m terrified. He’s going to hate me.”
“Bullshit,” he says.
“You don’t understand.” I grimace. I can feel it. The way my heart threatens to break…he won’t forgive me for this.
“I just told you my entire story. You don’t get to tell me I don’t understand.” He shakes me. “You are going to tell him everything.”
“He’s going to be angry.”
“Of course he’s going to be angry. But you knew that already.” He sighs. “You cannot spend the rest of your life avoiding conflict because it’s uncomfortable.”
“That’s not—”
“Oh, it isn’t?” He stares me down.
“Okay, fine.” I breathe in the truth. I’ve spent all my life trying to keep the peace with Nicole. With Alec. Just like my dad did. Just like my dad taught me. “It’s a little that.”
