AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“It’s this whole story. Suffice to say we were interrupted by a screaming match right after he told me he loved me. And a knee to the groin.”
He makes a pained noise in the back of his throat. “His or yours? No, it doesn’t matter. He told you he loved you?”
“Yes.” And all I could imagine was how much it would hurt to lose his love.
“Oh, Love. That’s…I’m so happy for you.” He turns around and frowns as he reads my face. “You didn’t say it back?”
“No.”Even though it’s true.Even though the reason I’m holding back is so beyond stupid…as if I’m not already too in love with him to not be devastated when this happy little bubble I’ve been living in with him finally bursts.
“Why not?”
Not telling him about my feelings, not going all the way. It’s all a lie. A faux sense of control when I have none. “Have you ever felt so out of control that something really bad happens?”
“I don’t…” He purses his lips. “What do you mean?”
God, there was no finesse to that question at all. “Forget I asked.”
He joins me at the console. Puts the drill down carefully on the glass. “Yeah, I don’t think so. Spill the tea, sister.”
I turn over the watch in my hand again and again. I can’t remember seeing it before. “Is this new?”
“Yes, I’ve felt that out of control.” He covers my hand and takes the watch. “Before I came out. When I wasn’t entirely sure who I was… it was a confusing time.”
My heart goes out to him as he sinks down on the fluffy, pink ottoman in the corner. He’s such a beautiful soul and I hate that he had to lose so many people just to become the amazing person that he is. I’m so lucky to know him and be able to count him as my best friend and family. “I’m sorry.”
“Please don’t. You’re like the most sweet and wonderful person I know. You’ve never judged me. You’ve always accepted me for myself.”
“You’ve always accepted me.” No matter what Nicole and Alec tried to make me believe about my worth. No matter how scared I’ve been. Or how hard I’ve tried to cling to the belief that I wasn’t worth it. He’s always had my back. He’s never thought I was crazy or weak or damaged. “You’re so true to yourself and you treat everyone the same way. You make it easy to just…be.”
“You have no idea…” He bows his head.
“What do you mean?”
“Back when I first realized I liked guys as well as girls I figured that if I ignored the way I felt it would go away. The dressing up. My attraction to men. It was my dirty little secret. I knew how my parents would react if they ever found out. I knew it would be weird for Alec and my other friends at school. I was so ashamed.”
I blink before my eyes grow too wet. My heart is being torn between feeling wounded for the shame that he never should have had to deal with and the appreciation I have for being so lucky to have him in my life.
“So I dated a lot of girls. And that was cool. I love women. And I pretended that I wasn’t this guy who liked men too.” His shoulders lift and fall with his deep exhale. “There was this one guy. He transferred in at the end of junior year. We became friends. Chris played baseball and liked theatre. We watched movies and played video games and talked all the time.”
He goes quiet. His head sinks even further toward his chest. His shoulders stiffen. “I don’t know how much you remember. You weren’t even in middle school yet when this happened. But there was a guy who fell off the roof at our high school.”
“I remember a little.” Mostly because Alec refreshed my memory.
“He was the first guy I truly liked. I could feel myself falling for him by the day.”
“Oh, Adira.” I rush across the room and sink down in front of him. Wrap my arms around his calves and rest my head on his knee. “What happened?”
“He kissed me.” His voice is hoarse. “One day he just…kissed me. We used to have this secret hangout. Up on the roof at our school. It was hard to access so no one else really ever went up there. But we did. I guess we both knew we were crushing on the other and craved that time alone together even if neither of us were ready to admit it. And then he was ready. He took my face between his hands and he kissed me. And I…I kissed him back. My first kiss with a boy… and it was everything. The way I felt about him…it was real.”
God, poor Adira. How did it all go so horribly wrong?
His Adam’s apple bobs and he makes this sound like he’s trying to keep his emotions in check. He breathes such a heavy sigh as he gathers my hands into his while his eyes beg for me to understand. “I wasn’t ready, Ivy. I wanted him so much. I loved him. But I was scared of what everyone else would think. I was so scared of what loving him would cost me. Please don’t let your fear of what might happen if you love someone stop you from loving them in the first place.”
“I love him,” I say. “I do love Rogue.”
“I know you do.” He cups my face with one hand. His hazel eyes sparkle with emotion. “I…could have been braver. I should have been braver. Alec, he found us on the roof. I guess he’d figured it out and wanted to confront me…or use it against me…I don’t know. But it doesn’t matter. Because what I did was worse than anything Alec ever could have done. I pushed Chris away.”
He stops looking me in the eye at this point. His gaze is caught in the plush red loops of the carpet, but his mind’s eye is lost in the past. “I pretended I was disgusted that he’d kissed me. I screamed at him to stay away. Sh-oved h-im.”
