AllFreeNovel
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He’s like those guys outside the palace in England. The ones with the big fuzzy hats. I’ve watched YouTube videos of people playing pranks on them. They never deviate from their duty. This guy doesn’t so much as blink at my insistence that he needs to let me pass.
“Ivy.” Dizzy catches up to me. She puts her hand on my arm but I shake it off.
“I can’t breathe.” I pace a tight two step box. My hands on my hips, squeezing my stomach. I feel sick. Nausea wraps its clammy fingers around my insides until I want to puke it all up. My face is burning. I tilt my gaze to the top of the steps. “I have to see.”
I have to know if this is all Alec. If my brother is up there. If he’s spying on us. Rogue, Rebel, Riot. Me. Ro. And the others too. Whatever else I see up there… even if it destroys me… I’m playing chicken with a monster. A game I have not yet worked out how to play. A game I cannot afford to lose.
It feels like I’m a ticking time bomb. My lungs are so tight. I miss oxygen. What I wouldn’t give for a cool breeze on my cheeks.
Dizzy talks to the serious guy. She smiles and laughs and flirts just a little. He nods. Steps aside. Unclips the rope that he’s guarding like it’s made of solid gold.
“Up we go.” She pushes me onto the first step. And then another, two hands to my back. For a moment I want to turn around and run screaming out of the club. Away from the people and the music and the possibility that Rogue is with another girl.
I don’t run though. I can’t. For Adira’s sake. For Rochelle Kitt. For who knows how many women who have had to deal with men who are like my brother. I don’t follow my every instinct to hide from my fear.
I take the third step on my own. Then I take two more before another message comes in.
Dickwad: Believe me now?
I hesitate there. Three steps from the top. Five from the bottom. My heart in limbo while I scan the crowd for a hint of Alec. I come up short. Of course I do. He had someone else break into Ro’s house. Leave a dead mouse in her bed. He’s probably doing the same thing now.
But he couldn’t make Rogue kiss that girl. That’s something he couldn’t do. And I have to know. I need to know.
On the next step I see them. Summer and Rebel and Riot. Laughing and drinking together like they’re totally at ease.
Ethan and Bianca are here too. A lone girl dances in front of them and they watch, tipped against each other like drunk bowling pins.
It’s all very much a party. For a moment my doubt fades. Amazing things can be done with video these days. For years people have used CGI to resurrect actors. It’s not outside of the realm of possibility, right? Alec has friends in the industry. People who think he’s 24-carat golden.
A shot girl in a tiny black skirt and white crop top waltzes past with a tray full of shots and a jewel winking in her navel. She smiles at me. Smiles over my shoulder at Dizzy.
My eyes catch behind the girl. My chest squeezes. So tight it’s possible I’ll never breathe again. Has anyone ever died from not being able to catch their breath? From watching the guy they love kiss someone else? Because I think it might happen… It hurts so much. My vision swims, thick and wet.
I can feel it. The way he touches this girl who isn’t me. The way he leans in. The slide of his tongue into her mouth. I can feel it because those touches, that kiss…it’s supposed to be mine. Only all I really feel is the loss of it. The empty, achiness of that girl taking my place before I could really sink into being with Rogue.
“Ivy?” Dizzy puts her hand on my shoulder.
“Stop.” I squeeze my eyes shut. So hard. Like I can block out the image of the kiss. If I don’t see them then I can pretend like this isn’t happening. I scream. “Stop it. Just stop it.”
Only it isn’t going to stop just because I wish it so… and I can’t shut my eyes to the bad things in life anymore… I can’t pretend that the things that scare me aren’t real. That my heart can’t be broken. Of course it can. Of course it will. It has been. It is. It will be again.
Life…Ivy. It’s life.And I signed up for it. I stayed for it.
"Let’s just get out of here. Go.” Dizzy pulls on my arm, tugs me back a step, then two.
I chose to get better. I chose life. Living, that was what I demanded of myself. Not coasting. Not hiding. Or fitting in with what everyone else wanted. I chose me.
And I chose him.
I didn’t choose to betray Rogue. I didn’t ask to be hurt like this. I would never ask for any of this, but I chose to be here for it. Even now I choose to see.
So I pry my eyes open and I drink in the sight of him…with her. My feet stick to the floorboards. I watch like I’m absorbed in a horror movie.
My worst nightmare isn’t anything Alec can do to me. Or letting down Adira. It’s watching Rogue give up on me because I didn’t fight for us. I didn’t. Not really. How could I with Alec’s threat hanging over Adira and T-Swift’s promises in my ear? I’ve pretended everything is fine when nothing is. And he knew. He felt it. He saw right through me.
And now I’m lost. More lost than I’ve been in such a long time. Maybe more than I’ve ever been.
The kiss breaks apart. Her hands stay on his neck. His shoulders heave as he turns hazy blue eyes my way.
