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“How much can you talk, for God’s sake? I can’t stand to hear the sound of your voice anymore,” he would say. “All you do is flap your gums, bicker, and demand. Could you leave me alone already? Don’t pretend as if you care about me and stop trying to make me feel better with all your gifts and treats. It’s just a waste of money. I don’t like your taste anyway. And you know what? Please don’t bother to cook for me either. I’d rather eat out.”
I’d often noticed how my image melted away and how I became transparent to him. The two of us would only feed each other’s insecurities, fears, and defense mechanisms. Thus, I was pushed away from his world and was left on my own.
Matthew agreed that Roy and I would live in an apartment he purchased with payment he had received from car accident compensation. It was located in an old and gorgeous neighborhood, surrounded by an evergreen and intoxicatingly beautiful forest. It made things a lot easier for me because I didn’t want to pull Roy out of his routine and make it harder for him to adapt. I made a commitment to Matthew that I’d pay half of the rent, even though my income wasn’t stable.
When Roy was born, I wanted to find a job that I could do anywhere and in my free time so I wouldn’t take away from my quality time with him. And so, I worked as a marketing agent for an international company specializing in producing paramedical cosmetic products made with the wonderous aloe vera plant. My advancement and revenue were determined by how much work I could put in. The more I sold, the more I earned, and then I could recruit more agents worldwide and double my income. My sales tactics were: ‘Purchase the product only because you need it; if the product disappoints you, I’ll give you a full refund’. I had confidence in the product and my approach.
“You’re wonderful!” my mentor said. “You have this ability to connect with people in such an authentic way and you could do well with us! The sky’s the limit!” Thus, she’d give me the stage at conferences and I received accolades for my work. I aspired to spread the word about these magical and pain-alleviating products.
At first it went swimmingly and I was earning good money. Once a week I would get myself up and dressed and adopt my strong, confident woman facade to give business presentations to more potential agents. Success soon came. I gathered a large clientele and I loved the thrill and hope it brought into my life. Those products also eased the suffering of many people, and that also felt good .
But, just as I had taken off like a meteor, my fire started to dwindle. In recent years, I haven’t given it my all. Mostly since Matthew didn’t like the fact that I stood out, put myself in the ‘limelight’ when I gave presentations to clients, hosted house parties or recruited new agents. So, he held me back.
“You embarrass me,” he would say. “You’re behaving as though you’re on the bread line! A married woman shouldn’t be traipsing around all day; I was looking for a stay-at-home wife, for security, and didn’t agree to be wondering where you are”, or “Why, for God’s sake, do you keep dressing like that? It seems like spend more money on your wardrobe than you earn. I can’t help but think that perhaps there’s another reason I should know about?”
At first, I fought back. I insisted to keep working as I wanted financial independence, until I finally grew weary and concluded that it wasn’t worth the stress. I reduced my activity and took a big step back - I focused only on selling the products. ‘As long as we were all happy’. With the pittance I made I paid for all of Roy’s and my needs, and for my night school. After all, we lacked for nothing.
Now, things would have to change, irrevocably. I would have to put an effort into advancing my career and making a lot more money. My body tenses when I remember that, right before we decided to split, Matthew threw this sentence at my face: “So, you think you can raise Roy by yourself? You barely make enough to pay for your clothes. Your nothing without me.”
“Dad, please stop it,” even Roy couldn’t stand to see how he was hurting me. “I’m sure Mommy will always take care of me, right Mom?” he looked at me confidently.
“Of course, my dear boy,” I whispered into his ear and hugged him tightly. “Don’t you listen to your dad right now, he’s hurt and disappointed, as we all are. He doesn’t mean the things he says. But better to go through it now than be sorry about it later. Trust me. Everything will work out in the end.”
The custody battle was not over yet and, at this point, I managed to get temporary joint custody. I saw this as a stroke of luck, as Matthew was stubborn, vindictive, and selfish.
Only yesterday he had been my lover and here, now, he’s my foe. A domestic enemy. Searching for my flaws and using them to play his cards against me.
Divorced, divorced, divorced. Matthew handed me a white piece of paper as I knelt before him in supplication and with soul-crushing tears. This was how it was going to end?
“So, I’ll take him for the next three days. I’ll give you some time to get yourself together.”
“Okay,” I agreed.
“Are you at peace with what we did?” he looks at me solemnly.
I nod. “It’s for the best! Our dear Roy deserves better.”
“Naturally, you’re always right.” Angrily, he said his goodbyes and left me. We went our separate ways and I collapsed onto my bed, weeping and delirious. I was drowning in a strong sense of mourning for the hopes, dreams, and trust I had for us two, which had all gone down in flames.
With eyes puffy with weeping, I looked at the clock. It was past midnight. Sadly, happiness no longer lives here. The house was so empty.
‘He never really loved me,’ I cry. ‘I must face that fact that he’d given up on me and was constantly tried to change me.’ With those thoughts running through my mind, I drift off once again into a stifling sleep.
Dawn has finally risen. I open my eyes. Silence. A gentle smell of fresh fallen leaves, a distant crow’s caw, and then it’s quiet again. I’m suffocating, I’m alone. I don’t want to stay here today. I should leave town for a bit, breathe some fresh air, and gather my thoughts.
I decided I’ll take some time off this week and take advantage of the fact that Roy is with Matthew for the next three days to try to fortify myself and get it together. I have no energy left in me to convince people, over countless phone calls, that their lives would change for the better if they only joined our business or used our wonderful products. This job had served me well throughout the years I had raised Roy, maintained the household, and studied for a degree in psychology in order to inspire him to work hard and never give up on his dreams.
There’s no doubt things would have to change now. I have to expand the circle of those I rely on and get some support or even paid help. I’ll have to work much harder for it. I’m exhausted just thinking about it.
‘Those who believe in fairytales wind up alone, without a partner or a purpose,’ I tell myself. I quickly slip into a pair of worn-out denim capris. What shirt? Yes, I’ll wear the black one. For my feet, a comfortable, black-heeled clog. My world is colorless as it is. Minimal makeup, purse, cigarettes, keys, and bye. I need to get some air. I must.
I look around me; there’s no longer someone to check and make sure everything is locked, that I didn’t leave the gas on or forget to turn the boiler off. I’m all alone and solely dependent on myself. ‘This is what you wanted, isn’t it?’ I ask the reflection looking at me through the hallway mirror. ‘You’re crazy and lost. I pity the man who falls in love with you!’ I hurl at her.
I decide to go the beach to feel the warmth of the sun’s rays on my bare skin. Nature is always so kind to me and fills me with its power. With each gaze I become stronger; each breath of fresh air is like a ‘thank you’ letter I write in my heart. I’m looking for my own pace. I’m searching to find myself.
Although I own a small car, I prefer to take the bus. I don’t feel confident about my driving, certainly not out of town. I sit at the back, rest my eyes, and give in to the silence. No thoughts; just now and then looking at the changing views. Traveling has always soothed me.
Good, I managed to get myself to the beach. I’m filled with real gratitude for the beauty of nature surrounding me and the way it affects me, physically. I can breathe again. I find a small café at the marina overlooking the sea and sit at one of the outdoor tables.
